In the Wake of Light and Chaos
by Meimi no Kage
Summary: (Noel/Hope, Ensemble Cast) A collection of scenes and ficlets from a Post Canon, Established Relationship, No Reset Button AU.
1. A Comforting Touch

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**A Comforting Touch**  
_**by Meimi**_

_This started out as just a little thing to torment an old fandom friend with (Ruaki, for the curious), and then just kinda ballooned from there. It's a Post Game Alternate Universe that is kind of canon compliant (except for the established relationship) up until the ending. After that, it's basically its own thing. It does pretty much go all over the place though. It starts in the future, then works its way back for a bit, jumps forward again, then way back, then forward. It all fits together though, piece by piece._

Chapter Summary: Because he would know just what to say and do. (PTSD Ho!)

* * *

"Can I touch you?"

The request was odd enough (especially for who it was coming from) to knock Hope's train of thought about the latest round of reconstruction completely off the rails. _Why would he?_ "Of course."

"Thanks." Noel grinned at him rather maniacally, enough to tell Hope that he was up to something, but not enough to set off warning bells. A typical interaction, as was Noel forcing himself into the chair with him, wiggling around behind him and finally draping himself around Hope. It figured. Touching always had translated to hugging in Noel's vocabulary.

"What brought this on?" Hope asked curiously as familiar arms snaked around his waist. "You usually don't wait for permission to get tactile."

"I dunno." Hope felt Noel shrug against his back, then a chin came down to rest upon his shoulder and a hot breath puffed against his ear. The way this was going... he probably wouldn't get any more work done for the day. Noel was _very_ predictable that way. "I just figured you'd had enough of not being in control of what happened to you." Or not. Hope froze, everything going stiff as the abhorrent memories came to him unbidden. No no no. Just because they existed didn't mean he had to let them in. He wouldn't let them rule him. He was just plain old Hope Estheim now, and that's all he would ever be. All he _wanted_ to be.

"Shh, it's all right. Everything's all right." Hope latched onto the familiar litany and let it drag him back from the hell he couldn't quite escape. The pain faded quickly, but the despair, the disgust at his own betrayals, and the siren call of simply not feeling at all lingered. Light really shouldn't have saved him. He might still be a danger to everybody. Sometimes it felt like he'd never be himself again. Maybe he wasn't.

"Everyone's worried about you," Noel murmured as he gently threaded his fingers through Hope's silver hair. It was an old, soothing gesture, one neither of them had been able to experience for such a long time. "But they don't know what to do or say. And they're not entirely sure what's going on with you. You made yourself into the rock everybody turned to, and you're still playing that role pretty well."

This... this wasn't the time or place for this. And there never _would_ be a time or place for it. "I'm-"

"-scared." Noel interjected, cutting past Hope usual attempt to reassert the status quo. He'd known it was futile. Noel knew him too well. But what else was he going to do? "You're scared that he's still in there." Of course he was frightened about that. He had every reason to believe in that possibility. He _had_ to. He couldn't ignore the very real threat that he might pose to everyone and everything he loved. It was inescapable. "And if he is still in there, you're terrified of what he might make you do." Exactly.

"Why are you stating the obvious?" Hope asked listlessly. His options were very limited. He could kill himself, but what would that really achieve? It was _God_. Had been. Would be. Just because he'd been defeated, destroyed by all accounts, didn't necessarily mean that he was completely gone. How did you utterly end a god anyway? No, better to go with what he was already doing. Help the world build itself back up, use all of their skills to breathe life back into what the Chaos and Bhunivelze had ravaged, and hope that they'd all be strong enough to deal with him if he turned out to be a ticking time bomb.

"He's not." Empty reassurances. "And even if he was, we'd just kick him to the curb again.' Hmmph, not so empty then. Noel knew him _far_ too well. It was to be expected, he would never have tolerated someone who didn't know him to manhandle him like Noel so often did.

"You're an idiot," Hope said fondly. They both knew it meant something else. _I love you_.

"Yeah, but I'm your idiot," Noel fired back the expected response. _Love you too_. "And I'm not going anywhere." Noel's grip tightened around him, drawing Hope back even further into his embrace. "And you're not going anywhere." Ah, so he wasn't the only one in need of comfort. Too long gone from each other's side. He couldn't make up for that. Honestly, at the time, his only real consolation had been that it was him and not anyone else. Better to be chosen by God than to let anyone else suffer it. "We'll get through this."

"I suppose." Even if he was a danger, he would still live for Noel and the others. He didn't want to leave them again. Hope smiled weakly as he reached up, plucked Noel's hand from his hair, and guided it back down to rest around his waist. Death had never really been a choice, even if it turned out to be the best course of action in the end. He couldn't do that to them. Not again. They'd all lost so much already. He couldn't leave Noel again. Not so long as he had a choice.

He could feel Noel's lips against his neck, an obvious smile tickling his skin. "So can I kiss you?"

Ah, he was going to keep up with that game then. Well, it would be a nice change of pace. "Have I ever stopped you before?" He _had_ on a few occasions (Noel's timing with doling out affection was atrocious), but that wasn't really the point right now.

"Just checking." A heavy breath against his ear. Lips sucking teasingly at his skin. Hope couldn't forget what had gone before. It would remain with him forever. But... that didn't mean he couldn't make better memories to think about instead. Noel was pretty good in that regard. Best to just let him do whatever he wanted.


	2. Learning Through Experience

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**Learning Through Experience**  
_**by Meimi**_

Chapter Summary: Hope knows that he's completely screwed up, but he's trying. (Pre-PTSD for obvious reasons.)

* * *

Hope was confused. It was becoming a familiar state of being, one he had existed within ever since they had returned to the world below: a world once again rich in time and possibilities. Granted, he'd spent the first day in and out of consciousness, but when he'd finally returned to the land of the living, Noel (and the others) had been there waiting for him. Hope would like to say that he'd been happy about it. Overjoyed maybe? But he just... didn't know what that felt like anymore. Logically, he knew that being happy meant someone felt joyous, glad, elated maybe? Thrilled? Pleased? Jubilant? Merry? Ecstatic? What did any of that even really feel like? He knew what all of those words meant, could guess at the emotional states that they were supposed to signify, but he couldn't quite remember what they actually felt like.

To be pure, one had to be free of the taint of human emotions, free of mortal attachments. Bhunivelze had never been content on his progress with that, but Hope rather thought that was for the best. Better to still be a little too human in the eyes of God than to be... _perfect_. Failure had meant pain, but success would have meant nothing at all. Unfortunately, Hope couldn't exactly say that Bhunivelze had been completely unsuccessful into molding him into the perfect host. Emotions were difficult. Feelings were often incomprehensible. And those were just his own. Understanding the emotions of others? A strenuous task, to say the least.

Lightning had told him to take it slow, to be easy on himself, let things happen day by day and everything would eventually start to make sense. It was a reasonable course of action, but he'd been living one day to the next (sometimes even one second to the next when God had been displeased with him) for over a century now. Being passive wasn't going to help him remember how to apply the proper emotional definition to the actual sensation it belonged to. He needed to work at it if he wanted to get anywhere with "getting his head back on straight", as Snow would probably have put it.

More than that though was Noel. Noel confused him, more so than anyone else. Noel, whom he was certain had been happy (Was that even the right word?) to see him again. Noel who, as far as he could remember, had always been overly physical with his affections. Noel who still hugged him, but not too much, and still kissed him, but nothing like before, and absolutely nothing else. It was strange and confusing, and Hope at least recalled enough to know that this just wasn't how Noel acted. At all. He _was_ experiencing other emotions about it asides from just being confused, of course. The hurt was easy enough to identify, he'd never been allowed to forget what pain felt like, but there was more to it than just that. Confusion, yes. Bafflement? Probably. Worry? Concern? Maybe. He had almost felt those when faced with the reality that Vanille might destroy herself over some duty that had been forced upon her. He hadn't wanted to lose any of his friends, regardless of whether he'd still been himself or not. So that all made sense, he supposed. Fear? It was heavy enough for that, he'd felt the ghost of it when Lightning had been awakened. The fear of losing everything. The rest was too complicated for him to fathom.

Hope had loved Noel. Would love Noel again? Probably still loved him? Love was a many faceted and intricate emotion. It was entirely beyond his grasp to discern the totality of at the moment, but he knew some things. Affection was soft and warm at its core. It could, and often was, joined by other states: mischievousness, contentment, need, satisfaction, gratification, lots and lots of other emotions. Noel had thrived off all of them, and Hope didn't think that would have changed much. Noel was Noel. Right? Something else had to be holding him back. Hope didn't think it could be because Noel had stopped caring for him with the same intensity as before either. He wouldn't have blamed him if he had, the years had been very, very long. But no, he still caught Noel looking at him in the exact same way he had in distant memories. So what was it?

Eh, he wasn't going to be able to figure anything out on his own. Hope needed help for this. Or, in this particular case, it was time to go to the source. At the very least, Noel needed to know that Hope required things to be spelled out for him for the time being. He could try and guess. He'd been doing that for days now, but he didn't really think he'd arrive at the desired results if left to his own devices. Not yet, anyway. Too much had to be relearned first.

On the bright side, Noel was never hard to find. He was always nearby. He didn't exactly hover, mind you, but Noel was definitely keeping an eye on him. And after that first day of lost time, Noel had insisted on sleeping with him in the same bed (again). Yet another behavior that told him that Noel's lack of certain other actions was not caused by diminished attachment. The fact that Noel clung to Hope like a barnacle in his sleep was also another indication, a very overt one.

"We need to talk." Did he say that right? Was the inflection correct? He didn't want to sound like he was angry or anything. Though, now that he thought about it, maybe there was something of the sort. Irritation? Annoyance? He recalled that Noel had been good at producing those sort of feelings in him. Fondness, as well.

"Sure!" Noel chirped cheerfully and eagerly patted a spot next to him on the couch. "What's up?"

Hope chose the chair across from him instead. It was easier to make guesses when he could see people's faces. "You are being reticent."

His choice of seating produced a light frown from Noel. "About what?"

"Your physical displays of affection," Hope explained.

Noel narrowed his eyes in what was most likely confusion. Good, they were both on the same page with at least one thing now. "This is a problem?"

"For you? Yes." Hope gestured with one hand to punctuate his statement. Body language was also important when expressing emotions. And he was feeling... irritated. Yes! He was irritated with Noel. "And unfortunately, I don't have the capability yet to figure out what is wrong, so you will just have to tell me."

Noel blinked at him slowly, then reached back to scratch at the nape of his neck as he looked off to the side. "You think there's a problem because we haven't... _done_ anything?"

"Yes," Hope deadpanned.

"I see." Noel shrunk down on himself somewhat. Now that was an interesting reaction. What brought it on? Was he reacting in wariness to Hope's possible responses? Or was something else at play here? "Ah, well, it's not really anything super important." Now that was definitely hesitant behavior. That meant that he was uncomfortable with the subject. Whatever for?

"Tell me anyway." Hope demanded. He needed answers and he would get them, one way or another.

"It's not that I don't want to. You know me," Noel shrugged and waved both hands helplessly in the air. "I just don't want to pressure you into anything."

"Where did you get that from?" Hope asked acidly. Now he was annoyed. Most certainly annoyed. "If I didn't want to do anything I would just tell you no like before."

"Yeah, but this isn't like before," Noel stated plainly, his expression turning serious as he looked Hope in the eye. "You're having problems. And I don't want you to do anything if you don't know or understand whether you feel like it or not."

Oh. So Noel had noticed what even he was having trouble putting into words. That was... comforting. Warm and soft feelings. Affection then. Tinged with... relief maybe? One more piece of that enormous puzzle he'd managed to figure out thanks to Noel's inadvertent help. "Yes, I am," Hope began and hoped that he could properly express what he actually needed. "But I don't want you holding yourself back because of it. In fact, I need you not to. Thinking things through will only get me so far. If I don't experience anything then I won't be able to determine how exactly I'm supposed to feel about it."

Noel frowned and studied him thoughtfully for a few moments. "So... what you're saying is that you need to do things to remember what it feels like to do them. Is that it?"

An overly simple way of putting it, but it wasn't far off the mark. "More or less."

Noel nodded, seemed to come to some sort of decision and hopped up from his seat on the couch. "Do you have anything else planned for the day?"

Hope peered up at him as Noel trotted over to his chair. Their history together told him where this was heading. Not exactly what he'd been after, but he had no objections. "Not in particular."

"Excellent!" Noel rubbed his hands together in what had to be glee. Excitement would also work, but glee seemed more appropriate. Or perhaps both, Hope thought to himself as Noel reached down and hefted him up bridal style. This was very awkward, but probably wouldn't last long judging by Noel's rather large grin.

"I think it's time I showed you what it feels like to be touched by me again," Noel crowed as he headed off in the direction of their bedroom. "All over."


	3. Waking

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**Waking**  
_**by Meimi**_

Chapter Summary: The second time Hope awoke.

* * *

The second time Hope awoke to clarity it was to a room that had been mostly cleared. It was daytime as well, though he couldn't say for sure whether it was morning or afternoon. The first time, everyone had been present, everyone that mattered. Even little Dajh had been there, though he'd been a mostly asleep lump on his father's lap. That poor boy, prevented from growing up for over a millennia now. Or perhaps instead, he was the luckiest of them all. Sleeping through the past five hundred years, many of the people still left in the world would surely have yearned for that. Not that Dajh had a choice in the matter (not that any of them had), but at least now he had an actual future ahead of him. It was a conclusion Hope had never allowed himself (or been allowed) to consider. Thankfully, his friends had not been so limited.

For the first time in over a hundred years (_longer_), Hope let his mind wander. He was still very tired. And there was a deep seated ache still present in his chest. No doubt, if he looked, there would be a scar in roughly the same place. A fatal wound on anyone else, and yet he lived. Hope didn't feel anything about that, though he probably should. It was. That was all he could manage right now. The architecture of the room he was ensconced in was rather grandiose. The Patron's Palace. Yusnaan then. A wise choice. Luxerion would have been too problematic with the Order, and they'd most likely wanted to be near civilization for possible medical purposes. His wound hadn't been the only one dealt, though it had thankfully been the only one that should have killed.

He _should_ have died. Trust in them to find a way past the inevitable and defeat God in the process. Typical of them. He needn't have worried. After ascertaining his continued status among the living, they had, no doubt, all gone off to find their own rest. Everyone, of course, except Noel, who was sprawled out rather inelegantly on the other side of the bed. Sleeping like the dead. He hadn't even bothered to get under the covers.

"How long have you been awake?" Ah, perhaps not as deeply asleep as Hope had initially surmised.

"Not very long." His voice sounded... wrong. Was it because his body was so weak? It at least sounded deeper. That was different and _good_. No longer a child, though he wasn't sure how they'd managed that. Hope would have to ask about it. Later. For now he was still very tired.

Noel leaned over him, propping himself up with one arm while he ran rough fingertips down Hope's cheek. The touch was both alien and distantly familiar. After Noel's aborted murder attempt on Lightning in Luxerion (and his reasoning behind it), Hope had assumed he'd moved on from their... _past_, but perhaps not. "You look better. Got more color in you, at least." The words sounded normal, conversational, but the touch was far more gentle than he could ever recall it being. Granted, the memories were hazy, and almost indistinct at times, but he'd never really lost any of the ones that involved Noel. For some reason Bhunivelze had mostly left them alone, though perhaps he'd been planning to use them against Hope at a later date. It would stand to reason. Everything had been a means to an end with God.

"It doesn't seem like it should be real," Noel muttered absently as he ran his fingers back into Hope's hair. Ah, another highly familiar gesture, one that had many memories attached to it. Too many for Hope to process at the moment, actually. His body was not ready to be awake yet.

"I'm real and I'm tired, Noel," Hope stated simply before reaching up to tap Noel lightly on the nose. "Go back to sleep."

"Fine fine." Noel smiled down at him and tugged gently on his hair. "I'll still be here when you get up."

Good. That was good. As long as Noel stayed, then he wouldn't be alone. Strange that he would want that. Hope had never really been alone for such a very long time. Bhunivelze had always been there. But this was different, this was better, much better. Something to look forward to rather than dread. "Goodnight," Hope said tiredly and closed his eyes. Rest was what his body craved for the time being, rest and healing. Anything else could wait.

A sensation chased Hope into his slumber. A breath upon his face, followed by something lightly brushing across his lips. A kiss, possibly? It seemed to fit, but his memories didn't. Noel never did anything lightly. He always threw himself wholeheartedly into everything. Often to Hope's irked consternation.

"_Stay_ real."


	4. A Little Hope

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**A Little Hope**  
_**by Meimi**_

_The game's ending rewrite starts here. For this AU to work, a lot of things have to be different from the canon ending. Unfortunately, this has to start before Noel can enter the picture, so he's not present in this part (or even mentioned really... I'm sorry!)._

Chapter Summary: At the beginning of the end, a little hope goes a long way. (Deliberate pun, yeah baby~)

* * *

Another clandestine meeting in this place of nothingness, somewhere that was supposed to be within her own heart. Pretty morbid of her if that was the case. But this time it wasn't Lumina, or Yeul, or the Dead wanting to have a little chat with Lightning here in this place hidden away from God's prying eyes. This time was different. This time it was Hope, the one person who had been her constant since waking. He was glowing, awash in some otherworldly light. But that wasn't what yanked painfully at something inside of her, it was the fact that she could see right through him. What was going on?

"It's time," he said solemnly, then shook his head and smiled sadly, "Or rather, there's no more time left now."

Yes, the Final Day had arrived at last. No more time left to save the souls of the living, no more time left for the living at all. He seemed sad about it, an emotion he hadn't expressed in the entire time they'd been working together with her as the Savior. "Hope... why?" Lightning didn't even know what to ask, where to start. For the past few days, she'd come to face the truth about her many failings, or thought she had. But she had a sinking feeling that he was about to present her with yet another one.

"I'm sorry," Hope hung his head in apparent regret. "I know I'm imposing too much on you, but this was the last chance I had to just... talk to someone. My job is done now, there's nothing left for me to do. And so, it's time for me to go."

"Go? Go where?" The world was ending. There was no where left for anyone to go, not anywhere safe. The Ark was it. He should stay there.

"My existence is ending," Hope shrugged helplessly, "God doesn't leave loose ends behind, at least, not the ones he placed there himself."

_What?_ "You're dying?" Impossible. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. But then again, God had been lying to her since the beginning. What was one more life once it had lost its usefulness? But no, it wouldn't end this way. He wasn't dead yet. There was still time to change it. She was the Savior, she could save him too. "Hope," Lightning stated emphatically as she kneeled down in front of him, "Give me your soul. It doesn't matter whether you're happy or not, you've done your job and you deserve to be reborn in the new world." This was the right thing. It had to be.

Hope shook his head. "No, I can't. It's not even mine to give anymore. It's owned by God, he'll decide what to do with it."

Impossible. "But he can't see souls, Hope. He can't do anything for you."

"I know." He smiled down at her. It was more hollow seeming than the empty expression of his counterpart on the Ark. It hurt to look at. "It's okay."

"No, it isn't," Lightning argued back. She was actually starting to feel panic now. She couldn't save the souls of people who didn't want to be saved, and souls that weren't even owned by themselves anymore were probably in the same boat. But there had to be something she could do. Hope had always been there, should always be there. Letting him just fade away would be a complete absence of justice. But there was nothing. She wasn't a God, she was just the servant of one. She couldn't make miracles happen. "I'm sorry, Hope. I've failed you pretty badly, haven't I?"

"Not at all," Hope shook his head again and smiled, this one far more genuine than the last. "I'm very grateful that I don't have to be alone at the end. It's a lot more than I ever hoped for."

"Yes, I have," Lightning explained gently. It was the truth, she'd been blind about so many things for so very long. But she had to face all of her mistakes, _all of them_, before she could even hope to try and change anything. "A long time ago, I promised that I'd protect you, and I have failed in that utterly. I was so obsessed with Serah's fate that I didn't even really think about yours."

"I didn't mind," Hope looked away self-consciously. "You had more important things to think about and, well, that wasn't really me anyway."

"Yes it was," Lightning scowled as she reached up to grab hold of him, only to have her fingers pass straight through him. Just a soul then. Her expression darkened further. "Even if it was just God's machinations controlling you, you were still in there. You _matter_, Hope."

He stared at her in shock as she climbed to her feet. "Don't give up. Not yet. Please. We've faced equally hopeless odds before. And maybe we won't win this time, maybe we don't even stand a chance, but don't ever give up." This wasn't going to happen. He wasn't just going to fade into nothing. To hell with God's plans and what he wanted. Hope was more important than that. And so were the others. _This_ was the right thing.

He was already shaking his head again but she wouldn't allow it. She would get through to him one way or another. "You've already seen it, Hope, what we can accomplish when we just keep trying. We gave the world another day of life, and that sure as hell wasn't in God's plan. We can do this too." Lightning reached out and held her hands over his shoulders. If she could just touch him then she could hold him there with her will alone, but she couldn't. He had to do this himself. She couldn't save him. Only he could.

"You..." Hope said hesitantly, his brows furrowed in thought. "Do you really think I could extend my time simply by will alone?"

"If anyone can, it's you," Lightning smiled and nodded in encouragement. He could do this. She knows he can. "Please, try. And don't ever, _ever_ give up."

"All right," Hope stepped back, one hand rising to rest over his heart. "I don't know if it'll work, but I'll try."

"Good." This wouldn't be yet another one of her many failures. He would succeed. She knew it. "I'll see you back in the real world then. Remember, we still have friends left to save."

His eyes widened in surprise. Did he think she was going to leave him behind again when she went to save Vanille? Not this time. No one would be left behind. Not ever again. "R-right," he stuttered, then seemed to gather himself. "Right. No time to lose. I'll see you there."

Lightning didn't linger, she wouldn't risk casting any doubt on him, He needed her confidence in him to succeed just as desperately as she needed him to live. He _wouldn't_ die. But as the realm within her heart began to fade, she could've sworn she heard him talking to himself.

"_Human will. Is that really the answer?_"


	5. Changing It Up

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**Changing It Up**  
_**by Meimi**_

Chapter Summary: There were many roadblocks ahead, but they had to keep moving forward. (Continuation from previous part.)

* * *

Nothing. There was nothing. Hope stared down at his hands and felt nothing. Lightning had been correct though. He was still here. The will to survive had extended his life for the time being. There was no telling how long it would last, but it had worked. Somehow. Human will was one of the several things about their nature that God didn't understand. And what God didn't understand, he did not favor. Yet another "flaw" in their design that would undoubtedly have to be fixed. Will alone would never be enough to change their fate, but it was a start. He should feel elated, ecstatic even. This was a good sign. But all in all, he felt nothing at all.

_Pure. You must be made pure._

A tremor snaked its way down Hope's spine with that unwanted recollection. Not all emotions had been lost to him then it seemed. The ghost of dread yet remained. A little reminder of God left behind, his own personal mark of ownership. His fate was sealed, had been for some time now. Once God awoke, Hope would likely just fade away into nothing. Lost and forgotten. It wouldn't be long now, mere hours until the bell tolled. Didn't leave much time to act, but Lightning had brought up a good point. Trapped as she was in the Order's web of lies, Vanille would soon suffer a similar fate. He didn't want that. He didn't want that for anyone. No one deserved to be erased, regardless of whether they were "desirable" in the eyes of God or not. So... this was good. He could help this way. It was the very last chance he would get to change things for the better. He wouldn't squander it.

"I knew you could do it." Ah, good. Lightning had finally arrived. Strange though, shouldn't her return to the Ark have been instantaneous? Actions performed in the soul space, the realm of the heart, as it were, weren't supposed to take up any time at all. No matter how long a person was in there, not even a millisecond would pass in real time. On the other hand, time had become completely warped within the Ark. Normal constraints held no meaning here, and without any proper gauge of what is and is not, anything could and probably would happen.

"Yes, you were correct. Thank you," Hope said in what he assumed was an appreciative tone of voice. Emotions were a fundamental part of what truly made them human. Without them, he felt... hollow. But that couldn't be true, he knew all too well what slumbered within. With that knowledge in hand, perhaps it was better to say that his humanity had been smothered out instead. It would make sense.

Lightning strode over towards him while he mulled over his present lack, never once taking her eyes off of him. She was concerned. Hope had known that she would be, but he hadn't figured on still being alive to witness it. It _had_ been selfish of him to approach her like that. But... he just hadn't been able to let it pass. It had been so very long since he'd had the chance to talk to someone, _anyone_, as just himself. A hundred and sixty-nine years spent alone in the presence of God. All that time gone to dust, and all he had to show for it was the end of the world. If he could feel anything other than what was surely clinical detachment, he was certain that he'd be deeply disappointed in himself right now.

Lightning reached out and grasped his shoulders with both hands, smiling softly to herself after the fact. That's right, she'd tried to hold on to him in her heart, but he'd just been a soul without substance there. She must be pleased at the obvious difference. The smile faded quickly though as she scrutinized him with a heavy gaze. Was there something else bothering her? "You don't seem happy about it." Her tone was even, but the tightening of her grip on his shoulders told a different tale.

Even with so little said between them, she had noticed. Was it because she knew him so well? Or was it simply caused by the fact that he had no idea how to act human anymore? It would most likely sound absurd to anyone else, but the only behavioral memories he could recall were those imposed on him by God. He knew how to collect information. He knew how to observe the Savior. He knew what information to impart on her and which to keep her in the dark about. He had so easily become a traitor. Maybe he should start there. But first thing's first: a truth and a lie he couldn't avoid. "It's likely caused by my soul becoming detached from my body," Hope explained. First the lie. "But I can't seem to feel anything at all anymore." Then the truth, sort of. He'd like to tell her the whole of it, if just to warn of the danger that lay ahead. But God had locked that away years ago. He couldn't speak of it, any of it, regardless of how much he needed to. It was vital information and there was nothing he could do with it. Subterfuge might work, but that would require more time to figure out what to do about the block. He'd have to do it on the run. They had more important matters to deal with at the moment.

"If you say so." She didn't sound convinced. Hope couldn't blame her for the doubt. He couldn't even convince himself, even though he knew there was nothing overt he could do about it. God's will was absolute when faced head on. He'd just... have to find a way around it. "You're not staying here this time," Lightning stated firmly as she finally released her hold on him. Back to business then.

"I wasn't planning on it," Hope replied. It hadn't been a question, more of a demand really, but something told him it required an answer. He couldn't tell whether his response came from his own personal demeanor or that which had been programmed into him; and it didn't really matter in the end. It seemed appropriate, so he would go with it.

Lightning nodded. "You'll need to stay behind me at all times. I don't want you getting hurt."

"You don't need to worry about that. While I don't have a weapon, and as it stands there's no way to get one, I do, however, still know a great deal of magic," Hope declared. His added presence wouldn't hold her back, far from it. And if something did manage to wound him, it would likely get consumed by light for its troubles. But he couldn't say that part. It would raise the right kind of questions if it did occur, but he couldn't count on it happening. Trying for it wasn't an option either. Lightning would try to protect him and that would put her further at risk. Unacceptable.

"Just like old times, huh?" She was smiling again, wryly this time, a gesture he returned. The comparison was apt. They were on their own, about to square off against hopeless odds with no backup in sight. But that's where the similarities ended. Lightning was the only one in the dark about what was going on this time around. She knew that the world was going to end on this particular day, but not the how or why of it. He did. He knew exactly how this act would end. Actually no, there was another similarity between this and the long gone past that Hope could draw upon. He had supplanted Vanille's role. He held all the cards, but had no way to play them. But with Vanille in mind... maybe there was something. He could at least try.

"Wait." Hope darted a hand out, grabbing Lightning's wrist as she started to turn towards the teleporter. _Let this work._ "There's something else about the Soulsong that you need to know." Hope felt no hindrance to his words. It was just like before when the subject had arisen. There was nothing to stop him from talking about it, just that overall sense that he should keep Lightning in the dark about God's work. But God wasn't exactly in control anymore, Hope didn't have to follow the guidelines of that inhibition if he didn't want to. As long as it wasn't about any of the things God had directly forbid him to speak of, then it should be free game. A telling flaw. God really didn't understand humans at all.

"The Holy Clavis is going to destroy all of the souls Vanille calls to her, right?" Lightning looked back at him curiously. "I know that she's going to die from it and also have her soul destroyed. What else is there?" Her dispassionate demeanor was out of place considering the issue at hand; but Hope knew it was due to a combination of this place and one of the things he wasn't allowed to talk about. An aura of suppression permeated the Ark. No one was their real selves in this place. She had always sounded more genuine when she was down below, but that was neither here nor there.

"It's more than that," Hope explained. "The destruction is absolute. Nothing remains. Not even memories. They are wiped from existence." And that's where he choked up. He couldn't follow it through to its obvious conclusion. He wasn't allowed. Lightning was smart though, she'd figure out the rest on her own.

"Nothing? There's nothing left?" Lightning turned back to him, her shock more than evident. Hope could imagine the gears turning in her mind, working their way to the inevitable. "It really was all a lie then, wasn't it?" Lightning said bitterly after several moments passed in charged silence. Hope couldn't say yes, or even nod in agreement, he could only stand there and witness as the horror of God was finally laid bare to the Savior. Not all of it, but enough. "He never could have kept his end of the bargain anyway. He can't see the souls of the dead, he couldn't bring Serah back. But he wouldn't even have to bother with it, in the end I wasn't going to remember her anyway."

God didn't make promises. Would never lower himself to granting the wishes of his creations. Everything was a tool, to be used and then discarded when it was no longer needed. Humans were only useful insomuch as they could augment his own power. They survived with Chaos in their hearts, something that was beyond the capabilities of God. It was an intolerable state of affairs to the supreme being. They would suffer for it until the secret was divulged. Some more so than others.

"Come on." Lightning shook free of Hope's grasp, then grabbed hold of his shoulder and propelled him towards the teleporter. "This is a fight against God now. Another one. Everyone's going to want their stake in it. We need to make sure they all have an opportunity to carve out their own pound of divine flesh."

Hope shivered at the pronouncement. He couldn't help it. The old dread was still there. It would be him on the chopping block. That part he didn't really mind. They shouldn't hold back, not for him. But the rest... They would surely hate him in the end. And then he really would die alone.

* * *

"Where the hell are you, Lightning?" Lumina snarled as she paced back and forth in front of Luxerion's southern monorail station. That _woman_ would have to appear here. It was the closest area to the Cathedral that was stable enough for teleportation. She _had_ to come here first. "You're late. You're so very late. You won't give up on Vanille. I know you won't. You better not. You suck incredibly, but you haven't changed that much. You can't."

**"**_**Where are you?**_**"**

The sound of teleportation hummed behind her. _Yes!_ Speak of the devil and she will appear. Not exactly clockwork, but beggars can't be choosers. "Took you long enough," Lumina groused as she whirled around, her finger coming up to point accusingly at the tardy _Savior_, "I was starting to think you didn't-" She came up short midrant, her mind blanking for a moment at what she beheld. That was- How could- _What the hell?_

It was Lightning, all right, but she wasn't alone. Holy crap was she not alone. That was Hope. _Can't be._ You gave up on him a long time ago. Ah, accusations from the internal peanut gallery. How droll. She had, but there really hadn't been any other recourse. The real Hope was dead. Had to be. Surely God had killed everything that made him Hope, emptied him out, and filled him back up with divine will. Right? _But that's Hope._

It... really is, isn't it? _Not gone after all_.

"You again," Lightning almost hissed in distaste as she moved in front of Hope, her hand already resting on the hilt of her sword. "Don't even think about messing around with us." _Ohhh_, someone was feeling protective. It figured. No matter how many times she failed at everything, Lightning still had a few absolutes. No one hurt Serah. And no one hurt Hope. Anyone who tried, well, they had a quick trip to hell in their immediate future. But Lightning was still completely and utterly stupid. Lumina would never dream of hurting him. How dare she even suggest it.

"You still don't get it," Lumina fumed and stamped her foot on the cobblestone. "You don't get anything. Why are you so stupid? How could you even imply that? Ugh! You are the worst! I don't even know what to do with you anymore. I would _never_ hurt Hope." Lumina threw her arms up in temper fueled disbelief. She was _so_ angry right now. Why did Lightning always have to be like that? Couldn't she just learn to be better for once? Lumina huffed and stalked over to the dumfounded pair, none too gently shoved Lightning out of the way, and threw her arms around Hope.

It's really him. _It really, really is_. But... not just him. She could feel it there in him, deep down in what should be the darkest places of the human soul. There should be Chaos there, but all she could feel was light, endless, burning light. Lightning hadn't fixed anything. He was going to be lost anyway. Cruel of her. But... Lumina could make it better. A little bit. If he was down here, within reach, then... then she could make sure he didn't die alone. That would be good. Well, no. No, it would be terrible. But she'd endure it for him. In this, Lightning hadn't screwed up entirely. It had to happen sometime, right?

Maneuvering herself around so that she wouldn't have to release him, Lumina pressed her cheek flush against Hope's own and looked over in irritation at Lightning. "I love Hope dearly. He's the bestest little brother I never had. It's only God I hate. Like _you_ should," Lumina stated baldly in accusation. Thirteen full days of this crap and Lightning still hadn't figured it out. Had she always been this blind? Lumina didn't think so, but maybe the lack really was screwing her over. Nah, there were no excuses to be had for such an obvious shortcoming. Lumina would have to pick up the slack. Again.

"I... see." Lightning appeared very taken aback at her actions. Good. She should feel bad too. Just because she had trouble showing affection didn't mean Lumina had to be the same. Far from it. It was always better to be different than the same. "Well, if you're done molesting him, we need to get going. Vanille's not going to stop on her own."

"Good to hear," Lumina piped out cheerfully as she let go of her deathgrip on Hope, skipped in front of him, and grabbed hold of both of his hands instead. He seemed unfazed by the entire affair. But then, he wouldn't be the same anyway. Stolen. Wounded. Ripped apart and stripped of everything that made him Hope. Immolated by the light of God and then left alone. All alone. No, he wouldn't be alone from here on out. She'd stay by his side until the end, and make sure the others were with him too. It was the only thing she could think of to ease his suffering.

"I'm guessing you know everything about the ritual surrounding the Soulsong then?" Lumina asked absently. Hope nodded, but said nothing. She should try to get him to talk. There'd been no one for him for so long, surely he'd like to just chat for awhile. Didn't have to be important, just simple human companionship. The very best kind.

"Yes, it's going to erase the souls of the dead," Lightning answered. Lightning, the _Savior_ who couldn't do anything, but had still somehow managed to do more than Lumina could. Damn, she really didn't like the implication there. "It will be as if they never existed."

"Right." Lumina grinned impishly to herself. Lightning wasn't going to like what she was about to do. But, well, making Lightning unhappy was one of the perks of being her. "So you're going to stop it, right?"

"Of course." Haha, such disdain in two short words. Lightning really didn't like her. Too bad; so sad. She was stuck with her.

"Well in that case," Lumina crowed gleefully as she finally let go of Hope completely, whirled around, and snapped off a mocking salute. "One little demon girl signing on for duty."

* * *

_I'm playing Lumina up more as Lightning's Id rather than her actual representation in the game (her canon actualization is far too weak for what I need her to do). I've also added a bit more to her thanks to other issues that will come up later on._


	6. The Fear of Being Alone

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**The Fear of Being Alone**  
_**by Meimi**_

_I took a brief break from the ending rewrite at this point. I'd needed a night to brainstorm over some stuff I was ehh about with it. This bit of Noel angst is set inbetween Experience and Comfort. This collection is starting to look like the Suzumiya Haruhi anime with all the jumping around. Sorry about that!_

Chapter Summary: Even a rock sometimes needed the comfort of another.

* * *

Noel woke slowly to a burgeoning sense of unease. It was peculiar. Usually when he woke in the middle of the night, it was quick and sharp, his pulse pounding in his ears and his breath so short spots crowded his vision. Those panicked awakenings were always so abrupt and violent that of course he woke Hope right up with him. And it was just as well, because he would've woken him up anyway. The fear of losing him again was what fueled those night terrors, so Noel always ended up clinging to him like a drowning man for what seemed like hours on end. In the beginning, it was obvious that Hope hadn't known what to do about it and had just allowed Noel to do as he pleased. But as the days had worn on, and he'd slowly pieced his humanity back together bit by bit, Hope had begun to understand it better. He would hold Noel there in the dark of the night, stroking his hair gently, and whispering invaluable affirmations that it was all right and he wasn't going anywhere until Noel would finally calm down. Those episodes had started decreasing in frequency afterwards. In fact, it had been over a week since the last one.

Noel scrunched his nose up and snuggled up closer against Hope's back. Without adrenaline shocking it into full alert, his brain tended to want to work at the speed of molasses for a little while after first gaining consciousness. Something _was_ wrong though, he wouldn't have woken up otherwise. So what was it? A tiny, barely there tremor skittered over the skin beneath his fingertips, instantly knocking the rest of his sleep shrouded mind into acute awareness. Not him then, something was up with Hope.

"Hope?" Noel called out softly as he pushed himself up, frowning deeply a moment later as another tremor shivered beneath his hand. A nightmare of some kind, no doubt. Hope had been fine up until now, but Noel couldn't say he hadn't been expecting something eventually. With a hundred and sixty-nine years of hell locked up inside him, something nasty was bound to worm its way out over time. "Hope, come on, you need to wake up," Noel said a little louder this time, stroking his hand up Hope's back to his shoulder in a bid to wake him up. Noel didn't want to shake him or yell at him, that would probably just end up making it worse. But he didn't think letting Hope suffer through whatever he was dreaming about was a good idea either. Those fists Noel could now see him making out of the sheets were not a good sign.

"It's time to wake up, Hope. You really need to wake up now," Noel singsonged, doing his best to keep the desperation out of his voice as he reached down and slid his hand under Hope's cheek. Tilting his head up a little bit might do the trick. Noel froze as he felt something wet down there. _No no no_. Horror snaked its way up his spine as he yanked his hand back up and stared at it in the dim light. Nothing off color. No blood then. Noel closed his eyes in relief and let out a shaky breath. There would never be enough time to have passed for him to get over that visceral fear. Not when it had once been real. No blood ever, ever again if he had any say in the matter. So then, what was this stuff anyway? Noel brought his fingers up to his nose and sniffed. No odor. Mentally shrugging to himself, he took a lick. Salty. Tears? That would make sense. But... Hope didn't ever really cry. Though, in afterthought, he probably should.

"_No_."

Noel shuddered at how hopeless that one little word sounded. Being careful wasn't working, time for a more direct approach. Sliding one arm beneath Hope, Noel picked him up, leaned him against his chest, and started tapping insistently at his cheek. "Come on, Hope. Wake up." Hope stiffened in Noel's grasp, his eyes shooting open in what was likely pure fright. "That's right. Come on back. Everything will be fine." Noel smoothed his fingers across Hope's cheek, slowly stroking the soft, still damp skin.

"Noel?" Hope blinked up at him in jumbled confusion. "What?"

"You were having a nightmare," Noel explained softly.

"I... was?" Hope began to shake his head, but stopped a moment later. His eyes widened in realization, then closed tightly as if to block out the memories. "I was."

Noel sighed silently and leaned down to place a feather-light kiss on Hope's forehead. It was funny in a way, he'd never really been good at what he considered the more "tender" forms of love. He knew how to take it slow and how to be careful. But his enthusiasm had always been overflowing, he'd never really held back. He'd never really just stopped and taken the time to seriously appreciate what he had. That is, not until he'd lost it. His life had always been ruled by death. Death was everywhere, in every time period waiting for him without fail. It had taken everything important away from him. Everything that mattered. So why waste time on thinking about it all when he could just experience it? But when it's gone, all that's left is time. So much time to think about everything that was gone.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Noel asked cautiously. Hope didn't talk much about his lost time. And what little he did say usually stayed with Noel. In the beginning, he'd assumed that Hope would find solace in the others as well. Lightning in particular, but no. They talked, but never about more than what they'd already known. At first, Noel had been baffled by it; but the more he thought about it and the more he observed Hope painstakingly piecing his emotions back together, the more it made sense. It had been worse than any of them had guessed. Probably worse than any of them could possibly imagine. There had been no limits to what Bhunivelze would have done to achieve his goals. Breaking Hope had been one of those goals. Hope hadn't wanted to burden any of them with the truth. So Noel had let his hunter's patience take over, learned to hold back and wait for the right time, and curbed his enthusiasm so that he could capitalize more on the appropriate moments. And every second of every day he appreciated what they'd taken back from _God_.

Hope shook his head, his eyes still shut tight as he burrowed his nose against Noel's chest. Noel thought that would be the end of it, but then Hope spoke up hesitantly, "It... it wasn't really about _him_. It was just... there was nothing there. There was no one else but him. After awhile I... I started looking forward to the pain because then at least there would be something. But he caught on to that far too quickly and that's when he just started leaving me alone." Hope looked up at him to punctuate his next point. "I know you know what it's like to be alone."

Noel swallowed heavily and nodded. Yes, he knew exactly what that felt like. Nothing behind you. Nothing in front of you. No one to look for. No voices to hear. Even the whistle of the wind lost its meaning after awhile.

"I think one time he left me alone for about a year," Hope said blankly. Noel tightened his grip reflexively at how empty he sounded. "His power kept me alive, I didn't really need to eat or drink. And after awhile the hunger and thirst just aren't there anymore. Just as well too, he thought about using them against me, but by that time it had been decades and he hadn't yet figured out how to retrain the human body." Hope stopped then, his eyebrows scrunching up in ponderous thought.

After several minutes spent in silent contemplation, Hope finally announced, "I don't like being alone, Noel."

Noel barked out a watery chuckle at the simplicity of the statement. Not "liking" it didn't even really scratch the surface. "Well that's good, because I don't like you being alone either."

"Don't ever let me be alone again," Hope demanded as he reached up and curled his fingers around the side of Noel's chin.

"I don't think you'll ever have to worry about that," Noel said steadily. It was difficult to get out, his throat would much rather have just closed up and collapsed on itself. Hope had always been the rock for everyone, the one they could always cling to when the going got tough. But now he was adrift, even if he rarely showed it. Noel couldn't stand that. Wouldn't accept it. Hope had comforted him for so long, it was time for him to be the anchor instead. And if that took forever, well, forever with Hope sounded fine to him. "I think we'll have more trouble with me ever letting you out of my sight again."

Hope smiled. It was tiny and fragile and it took Noel's breath away. "I don't think I'll mind that too much."

Yeah, forever would be just fine.


	7. A Little Villiers Flavored Advice

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**A Little Villiers Flavored Advice**  
_**by Meimi**_

_Then I had a sick night and wrote whatever came to mind. Snow ended up being what came to mind._

Chapter Summary: Snow just wanted to make sure that Hope was okay with Noel's interest. That's all. (Set after XIII-2 and way before LR)

* * *

Snow would be lying if he said he didn't find Noel's relentless pursuit of a very skittish Hope to be entertaining. Or amusing. Or just downright hilarious. And he had been enjoying it. Damn right, he'd been enjoying it. It was nice to see _something_ distract Hope from work work work. Damn kid put everybody else to shame with his dedication. Problem was, Hope didn't exactly leave much time for anything else. He got up, went to work, clocked out, went home, went to bed, and then repeated the entire cycle. It was like pulling teeth to get him to take a long enough break to have dinner with his old buddy Snow, the only person around he could even call family anymore. Snow really wished that wasn't so, but the ladies were still locked in crystal and Sazh had fallen off the face of the planet. He didn't think the old man had bought the farm. Far from it, they were all tough mothers. It would take a lot more than Chaos to keep Sazh down. Unfortunately, the Chaos made finding anyone specific pretty damn difficult. So that just left Snow to stand in as Hope's last remaining family. Not that he minded in the least. He loved that damn kid.

And as Hope's family, he really needed to make sure the whole thing with Noel was on the up and up. It was damned funny, and yeah, Hope could definitely take care of himself and kick Noel to the curb if he felt like it. Hell, he could probably kick the shit out of Snow, and he was a l'Cie. Anyone who messed with Hope was going to get _trashed_ by Hope. But there wasn't anybody else around to offer a hand in the asskicking, and damnit, Hope shouldn't have to do everything by himself.

So, first thing's first, Snow needed to have a little chat with Hope. Talking to Noel was completely unnecessary. That kid was an open book. No way was he faking his interest in Hope. And good on him for it too, nice to see someone else appreciate the best thing around (and not hold back because they were intimidated by him). Honestly, Noel's decision to pursue Hope had actually improved Snow's opinion of him. Not that he'd ever disliked the kid, but circumstances were circumstances. He would _never_ hold a grudge against someone for something that wasn't their fault, but that didn't necessarily make it any easier to deal with them either. In the end, Snow was no hero. He was just as human as everybody else. All he could do was just keep trying and hope that eventually time would smooth down the edges and make it a little easier to deal.

And he really shouldn't be thinking about this shit right now. It was time for him to be the adult for a little while. Squaring his shoulders and plastering a cheerful expression on his face, Snow hopped over a bevy of pipes and headed further down to where he'd been told Hope was working today. Mr. Overachiever never just oversaw the work that was going on. Oh no, he had to get his own hands dirty with it as well. An admirable stance, but somewhat annoying when you wanted to find him. Speaking of which. "Don't you think it's about time for a break?" Snow bellowed as he finally found his quarry.

Hope jerked around in shock at the raucous greeting. He was sitting on the floor with his legs crossed and his arms buried in whatever the hell machine he was working on this time around, an almost exact mirror of just about any other time Snow came looking for him. Such a workaholic. Snow put his hands on his hips and grinned down at Hope expectantly. Uhoh. Hope was narrowing his eyes into a displeased glare, and yep, there was that annoyed scowl to go along with it. "No," Hope replied, his voice dripping with scorn, "I don't."

Why did Hope always have to be like that? Any little thing could just set him off and then it was like dealing with Lightning all over again. Except Hope was sneakier about it. You always had to watch your back with him. But well, Hope would just have to get over it. It was adult time now, damnit. He should be more agreeable. "Well take one anyway," Snow almost whined, but managed to catch himself at the last second. "I need to talk to you about important stuff."

Hope sighed loudly in obvious irritation. "Fine," he grumbled as he withdrew his arms from the machine, scooted around to face Snow, and pointed imperiously at the floor in front of him. "What is it this time?"

Snow plopped down as instructed. If he was gonna be that way, might as well just plow in and get this over with. "Well, it's about Noel," Snow began.

Hope froze, his expression going completely blank. "What about Noel?"

"Well, I just wanted to know your opinion on him wanting to bang you every night of the week," Snow said blithely, then smirked knowingly at the light blush dusting Hope's cheeks at his comment. That pale complexion really was his downfall.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Hope almost sounded choked there. Yep, this had totally been worth it. Dealing with him being a jerk for a little while was nothing in comparison to making him that embarrassed.

"Well, the way I see it, if you weren't seriously thinking about it, you would've told him off already," Snow said conversationally as he looked down and started picking imaginary lint off his coat. "But the longer you took thinking about it, the worse you'd feel about letting him down if you decided not to. So I just thought I'd come down and offer my services to make that easier if you needed some help."

"I'm not dating you to throw him off the scent," Hope deadpanned.

"God no!" Snow made a terrible face at the very thought and waved his hands wildly in front of him. "I just meant that if you'd rather someone else talk to him for you, then I'm happy to oblige."

Hope smiled at him. "I don't."

"Oh, so you're gonna let Noel have his wicked way with you then?" Snow wagged his eyebrows suggestively.

"I didn't say that!" Hope was blushing again and the color was much deeper this time.

"You didn't deny it," Snow pointed out.

"I just-" Hope ducked his head down, his cheeks almost flaming now. "I don't-"

"You're married to your job," Snow cut in. "You've been married to your job ever since we all started disappearing on you. You focused everything you had on it to the exclusion of everything else. And now when the opportunity for something else presents itself, you have no idea of what you should do. I get it."

Hope's shoulders drooped under the weight of Snow's words. "I guess."

"I'm sorry it turned out this way, kiddo," Snow said apologetically as he reached forward to grasp those shoulders. They'd held the weight of the world for such a long time. But he didn't have to do it all alone. Hope should live for himself just as much as he lived for everybody else. "But I'm gonna tell you exactly what all of the others would tell you, go for it. You deserve to be happy. And if it doesn't work out, well, I work for hugs, you know. I'm happy to kick a certain someone's ass for proper payment."

Hope chuckled, his next smile absolutely radiant. "I'll think about it." He was still blushing though. Snow figured that was a pretty damn good sign that Noel was going to be getting some of the best damn booty on the planet in the near future. Good for him. The sex would probably do wonders for Hope's temper. Maybe.


	8. Finding the Lost

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**Finding the Lost**  
_**by Meimi**_

_Back to the ending rewrite we go. :)_

Chapter Summary: They'd never really been lost, had they?

* * *

"_No._"

"_Yes._"

**"**_**No.**_**"**

"_You really don't have time to argue with me about this. I'm coming whether you like it or not._"

It had really been quite something to watch Lightning quarrel with someone who was essentially herself. Hope glanced over at the girl skipping happily along beside him. She'd chosen the form of a younger Serah rather than her own, but it was definitely her. With all the conditioning God had put him through, he really shouldn't be able to recognize her like this. But somehow, someway, he just knew without a doubt that this girl was as much Lightning as the woman he already knew. She was incredibly unfiltered though. Perhaps a part of her id? It would certainly account for several of the inconsistencies in her behavior that Lightning had exhibited since being woken by God. Though, perhaps he should stop there. God was fully asleep, gathering the last shreds of his power in preparation for his own final awakening. Any information Hope learned now in these intervening hours would merely be consumed along with him; and then used against his friends. Best to not think about them too much. At least that way God wouldn't have anything new to hurt them with.

"I know all this Chaos isn't making it look like much," Lumina said cheerily as she grabbed hold of Hope's nearest hand and started swinging it widely between them, "But, uhm, Luxerion didn't really look like much beforehand anyway. Once the Order took over the city they just kinda let it go to crap. I guess they just didn't feel that keeping stuff clean was all that important while they waited for God to come and _save them_. It got pretty bad too, they even started withholding food in a bid to better control the populace. Then Noel happened."

Lightning glanced back over her shoulder at them. "We already know about that. And would you please stop manhandling him?"

"_No_." Lumina stuck her tongue out at her other self. "He doesn't need both hands to cast. Neither do I. In fact, I would go so far as to say that combined we are a living nightmare to everything left on this planet. But anyway," Lumina turned her attention back to Hope, a maniacal grin on her face, "As I was saying, the higher ups in the Order were getting really full of themselves and pretty stupid to boot, but they were getting away with it because there wasn't any real opposition. I mean, you were gone and Snow was busy in Yusnaan. Not a good situation, all in all."

'And that's when things started to really get interesting. Some of those officials started getting stalked by a _Shadow_." Lumina nodded conspiratorially, her grin turning downright evil. "Some of them even got robbed. Data chips just started vanishing, ones with really, really important information on them. That's when they decided to start using paper again, which didn't help them much at all in the long run. He got so much dirt on them that he could've just buried them with a tiny sliver of it. But he didn't, he just blackmailed them into behaving."

Lumina tilted her head to the side for a moment in thought. "I guess, in the end, he didn't really want to have to worry about having to replace that entire power structure. Luxerion did kind of need the Order by then to function properly. Once they started acting like actual stewards of the people again, he just went back into hiding."

"Interesting," Lightning commented, not bothering to look back this time.

Lumina scowled at her, then leaned over to whisper quietly in Hope's ear, "He was still really, really upset during all that. I mean, he didn't actually talk to anyone for the longest time unless he absolutely had to." Hope looked over at her questioningly, but she just shrugged. "I don't think he knew what to do anymore with you gone."

"They've closed the gates," Lightning announced abruptly.

Hope and Lumina refocused their attention on the aforementioned structures. Both of the gates leading to the cathedral square were indeed drawn and locked with not a single soul in sight. "Stupid of them," Lumina said witheringly, "But not unexpected. The people of the Order aren't very bright. They probably did think a simple barrier like that would keep the Chaos out. Instead all they've managed to do is make a little killing field out of their church."

Lightning sighed in obvious irritation, then turned back towards them. "Get rid of it."

"With pleasure!" Lumina practically squealed with glee as a flame burst to life in the palm of her hand. "One explosion coming up." Hope shook his head at her naked zeal and followed suit. Thanks to her very nature, Lumina likely didn't have a limit to what she could and would do. Lightning certainly didn't. But, it would be for the best for him to just lend a hand now anyway. They still had a lot of fighting ahead of them. And at the end of their struggle was God. After God arose, he wouldn't be able to help anyone ever again.

* * *

Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Noel had always felt that saying fit the Order to a T. Granted, he never would have liked them to begin with thanks to how they came into existence. Moving in and taking advantage of everyone thanks to the power vacuum left after _he'd_... disappeared. Noel grimaced and slid further back into the shadows of his chosen alcove. Thinking about the past never led to good things. It always ended up with him doing something monumentally stupid like fighting Lightning over a prophesy that never would have been true. Seeing a false dream of Yeul had still been good, a little painful, but good. He still missed her, and... the Caius he'd once known. Those wounds had healed over with time. After awhile, he couldn't even find it in himself to hate Caius for forcing him to doom the world to this slow rotting death. In the end, Noel... understood. He knew all too well what it felt like to lose the one person he treasured above all else. It ate at you until there was nothing left but the pain. And to face that over and over again for countless lifetimes with no end in sight? It had surely driven Caius insane.

He could never forgive it though. Of course not. Killing was _never_ the answer to that type of pain. But Noel could definitely understand it. His own wound, inflicted over a century and a half ago now, still bled. Maybe if there'd been something, _anything_, to explain it. Maybe then he would've been able to move on or at least accept it. But there'd been nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing, that is, until he'd started hearing rumors about the _Director_ being taken by God for... whatever purpose the speaker could come up with. Those rumors had led him back to the Order. That's when he'd realized just how far he'd let himself go with wallowing in grief. _He_ wouldn't have been very impressed with Noel, and with good reason. He'd ignored everything else for so long that the Order had moved in and set up shop before he'd even realized what was going on. Luxerion wasn't the city it was meant to be thanks to them, far from it. Then again, doomsday cults weren't good for anything. Unfortunately, there'd not been much he could've done about it by then. They'd become too entrenched, the people had already begun to depend on them. So he'd just stayed back, watched, waited, and terrorized them whenever they'd stepped out of line.

He could've taken them out, probably. No, he definitely knew he could have. And he knew he could've replaced them with something much, much better. After three hundred and thirty-one years spent in the company of someone much greater than any of them, Noel had damn well learned quite a lot about running things and how to keep them running. He just... hadn't had the heart for it. He wasn't a leader, never had been. And he certainly hadn't been the leader the world needed. That person was _gone_. Still gone. Always gone.

The loss still ached. Time had numbed it, worn it down some. But the not knowing kept the wound open. Nothing to be done about it but wait, wait until the end of the world and hope he'd get some answers then. He'd never hoped for them to be reunited though. No, as a member of the Farseer tribe, he'd always known death didn't work that way. Only Yeul returned, everyone else got remade and reborn into someone else. Of course, with the goddess dead and Chaos consuming the world, there really wasn't even a proper cycle of life and death left. You lived, you died, and that was it.

So he lived. And waited. And now his wait was almost over. The end was nigh. But Noel still had work left to do. He wouldn't let the Order have their way. Not even now. They'd grown rich and fat off the fear and despair of the people; but here at the end, they wouldn't get to reap it. He wouldn't allow it. And he was pretty sure he wasn't alone in that sentiment. Which was why he was waiting. He'd never bought the bullshit the Order had spread about the Saint. And after a little digging, what he'd learned about the Soulsong only further deepened his disgust with these people. There was absolutely no justification for destroying the souls of the dead. Even if they _were_ dead, you didn't hurt people just because they were suffering. Surely that would change when the world ended anyway. And if it was God's will the way those lunatics kept going on about it? Well then fuck God.

He damn well wasn't alone in thinking that either. Fang had already busted through the front and trashed everything that dared to stand in her way. She'd descended into the catacombs immediately after, but he could still hear the sounds of mayhem even up here. Fierce lady. He'd never actually met her, but he felt like he knew her anyway thanks to the others. And he would've joined her, may still if the others took much longer, but she wasn't the one he was waiting for. There were two he knew would come. Snow or Lightning, either would do. After learning the truth about the Order's ceremony with the Soulsong, he'd not been quite... right. He was familiar with fury, but had never really felt it to this degree before.

They were going to destroy him. _He wasn't dead_. After this long, surely he had to be. _There was no proof of that_. Didn't matter. Didn't. _Fucking_. _**Matter**_. He didn't know. No one knew. He couldn't put his trust in something he didn't know. Which was why he was here. The Soulsong would not be completed. And if he had to kill Vanille to accomplish that, well... That was why he was waiting for either Snow or Lightning. He needed their typical righteousness to help him remember what he shouldn't do. They knew her better anyway. They'd have a much better chance of convincing Vanille that what she was doing was so very, very wrong. Friends were good that way, right?

And if she refused to listen to them... Well, he'd cross that bridge when he got there.

An explosion rocked the front of the Cathedral, turning every window facing that direction incandescent, and strong enough that he could feel it rumble through the foundation even as far back as he was. Well, someone had arrived. That wasn't ice though. Not Snow. Lightning then. He almost wished it was Snow. They didn't get along anymore, but at least they understood each other. Lightning was a bit of a mystery. A self-proclaimed servant of God who didn't really act like one. Blowing up the church probably wasn't a good idea if she wanted to keep that job either. Might as well just turn heretic in one go. Or maybe that was the idea? He hoped so.

The Order wasn't going to take it laying down though. What looked to be a full squad of their more elite sentries was setting up right in front of the dais leading down. And... _What was that?_ Something big and nasty was coming up out of the catacombs. Three heads, two dragon serpents and another maw that fit along with the body. Probably that chimera monster strain he'd read about in several of the latest reports he'd filched. Nothing had indicated it was finished, but judging by it not attacking any of the soldiers, they definitely had. Damn. That did not look like it was going to be fun to fight.

But fight it he would, with a little help, of course. Off in the distance, Noel could see Lightning entering the Cathedral proper. Followed by... someone else. Shorter, but still pink hair, and wearing black. _Great_. She'd brought Lumina (_Not-Serah_) along with her. That would complicate things. And someone else too. Lumina was definitely dragging someone else along behind her. Someone with... silver hair. Noel abruptly turned his attention back to the enemy at hand. He just... didn't like that hair color anymore. They were probably a great ally if Lightning was having them tag along with her, but he just... couldn't deal with any reminders these days. All that mattered now was the enemy in front of him, stopping the Soulsong, hopefully not killing Vanille, and then whatever would come after the end of the world. He could deal with that much, at least.

Well, no reason to wait anymore. He could go ahead and get this party started. Lightning would get there soon enough. Noel grinned menacingly as he hopped down from his hidden perch and strolled lazily in front of the gathered forces.

"_Shit!_"

"_The Shadow Hunter!_"

"_What's he doing here?_"

It was such a nice feeling to have all the hard work he put into terrorizing the Order be so readily recognized. By the sound of it, they were petrified of him. Good. He was about to send most of them off to meet their God anyway. A long time ago, he used to value the life of every single person he met. But he couldn't really see much value in people who would so eagerly condemn others to nothingness. No, even the dead had more value than these people. "So, who wants to be first?" Noel drawled casually as he shifted into a ready stance. They'd try to shoot him. Of course they would. But he'd already cast haste on the way down. They didn't have a chance in hell of hitting him.

The bullets flew, but he was already gone, slicing through their rank and file like a hot knife through butter. They tried to fight back, but he was better and he damn well wanted them out of his way. By the time Lightning actually reached him, all that was left was the chimera. Just as well too. Noel wasn't quite sure he could take this thing on by himself. It looked nasty, it smelled nasty, and it was breathing lightning at him. Kind of fitting, really, in a stupid sort of way. Lightning versus a monster that breathed lightning. "Cutting it kind of close, aren't you?" Noel asked genially as he dodged a lunge aimed at his legs. This thing was way too fast for the weight it had to be lugging around.

"Something more important came up," Lightning replied blandly as she darted in to take a swipe at what they now knew to be the electric dragon head. The chimera roared and the other dragon head breathed gale winds at them in retaliation. Wonderful.

"More important than this?" Noel couldn't help but ask as he slid around the great monstrosity and sliced perfectly into the wound Lightning had created. The electric head gurgled and thrashed spectacularly, then drooped as the life drained out of it. One more dragon head and then the body to go.

"Yes," Lightning said with finality. Huh.

Lumina shrieked behind them, heralding the arrival of yet another chimera. Where the new one had been hiding, Noel had no clue. But this was not a good position to be in, pinchered by two of these beasts. Without hesitation, Lightning whirled around and threw her sword, her aim unerring if the resulting pained roar was anything to go by. It left her unarmed, though that didn't seem to phase her in the least. Lightning launched a ruinga at their own personal quarry a second later.

"Brace yourselves!" Lumina called out cheerfully. An explosion of heat and cold blossomed behind them immediately afterwards, nearly bowling him over from the intensity of it. That kid wasn't playing around anymore.

"Move."

Wait. That voice... Noel was ducking out of the way before he even realized it. Young sounding, but achingly familiar. Their chimera didn't stand a chance in hell as it was engulfed by the combined might of an incredibly powerful firaga joined by a just as powerful blizzaga. A precision strike, neither canceled the other out, instead merging together into a much more devastating attack.

That wasn't what took his breath away though. Noel picked himself up off of the ground and finally looked behind him. _Oh_. He'd always known that the world was a cold, cruel place, but he'd assumed it didn't have anything left to blindside him with. That had been a grave mistake on his part. In this last day, when it was all about to be over with for good, the world had decided to add a Not-Hope to the Not-Serah it liked to torment him with.

Lightning was moving before he even had the sense to sheathe his weapons. This was a shock he could've done without. "Are you all right?" She asked the Not-Hope as she bent down to pick up her own sword. It was laying in the middle of the floor, likely where the other chimera had been before it had gotten annihilated by this pair from hell.

"We're fine, it really wasn't anything difficult," the Not-Hope answered. That voice... He'd rather be hearing the real one. _Damnit_. Noel grit his teeth. This was going to make everything so much harder.

"And here I thought you'd be happy," Lumina said curiously as she skipped up beside him. Her chin was cradled in both her hands as she looked up at Noel. Her regard was rather creepy, it almost felt as if he were being examined like a specimen in a jar.

"About what?" Why would he be happy at the inclusion of another demon in his life?

"What do you mean about what?" Lumina snarled hotly. "Why _wouldn't_ you be happy about- Oh wait." She stopped herself mid-tirade, leaning back slightly so she could study him with a heavy gaze. "You think he's like me," she said finally, an absolutely evil grin stretching across her face. "Just you wait," she crowed as she whirled around and headed back towards the other pair, "This is gonna be good."

Noel quite suddenly wished he hadn't waited, that he'd joined Fang the instant she'd shown up. They'd probably be down in front of the door leading to the ceremony by now. Instead, he was up here with his doom looming before him. Because anything that made Lumina that happy had to be very, very bad.

"Lightning!" Lumina sang as she trotted around behind Not-Hope, placed her hands on his shoulders, and smiled winsomely up at her Not-Sister. This... was getting confusing. "I really think you need to give Noel a heads up on what's going on." She looked back at him, the evil grin returning full force. "He seems to be a bit in the dark about all of this. Especially about our old friend here," Lumina concluded, giving the Not-Hope a gentle shake to emphasize her point.

"Would you stop that?" Lightning requested wearily.

"No." Lumina seemed completely unbothered by the scowl Lightning was leveling at her. They obviously didn't like each other. Interesting.

Lightning sighed heavily in agitation, then turned her attention to him. "Okay, right. Noel, you... you only knew Hope as an adult, of course." She was floundering. He... really didn't like where this was going. "But this is really Hope," she explained as she gestured back towards the Not- _What?_

Noel felt his stomach drop out. There was this ringing in his ears. He must not have heard her correctly. "_What?_" he finally managed to get out. What was- This wasn't-

"I know it's difficult to accept, but it really is him," she looked back at the Not-... _Hope?_ and wrapped her arm around his shoulders comfortingly. "This is the genuine article, after being screwed over by God."

**"**_**What?**_**"** The fury was back, but this time with a much more focused target. _God_ was responsible? God had _really_ been the one to take _Hope_ away from him? _That_ had been the truth this entire _fucking_ time?

"God doesn't hold any value in humans, Noel," Lightning explained further, her eyes not leaving _Hope_ as he nodded up at her in agreement. "We're just toys to him. Toys to be played with and then discarded when we are no longer useful."

"Right, of course," Noel said as he gave himself a shake. There'd be time enough for the anger later. _Discarded_, huh? _Fucking son of a bitch!_ He could read between the lines. He sure as hell didn't need it spelled out any further. "So, I take it you're on the winning team now?" The way she was acting, he was pretty sure of it. But, better to be safe than sorry.

"If you mean the _Let's Kill God_ team, then yes," Lightning affirmed, giving _Hope_'s shoulder a squeeze (_It's really him, right?_), before turning to walk purposefully in Noel's direction. "Are you in?" She practically demanded as she breezed past him, heading towards the stairs leading down into the catacombs.

"Of course." Noel replied automatically as he watched Lumina push Hope their way. He was so young now. What else had been changed? Did he remember everything? Or had he been forced to forget? Did Hope even know him anymore?

"Good to hear." It came from somewhere behind him, sounded like Lightning was already descending the stairs now. But he didn't really care, because Hope was right there now, within range. _Real_. Noel's hands darted forward and dragged Hope into a desperate embrace. _Real real real_. He was _real_. Really there. Really him. Really not dead and gone and vanished forever. Noel could have laughed at how giddy he was feeling. Hope was real. And so tiny. Noel was almost afraid he'd break him if he held him any tighter. Hope looked up at him questioningly as he buried his fingers in that pale, pale hair. Couldn't hate that color now, it was on the right person. Hope wasn't protesting, but he wasn't really doing anything other than allowing Noel to manhandle him either. So did he remember or not? Hmm. Well, right now Noel didn't suppose it mattered so long as Hope was just here. Everything else could come later.

After several long moments of just holding Hope and confirming that he was real real real, Noel finally forced himself to let go and step back. He didn't want to, but there was still a God that needed to pay for this. And Vanille was Hope's friend so they needed to save her. Fang could definitely use the help. Noel took a long breath, he could do this. "Be careful, okay?" He smiled encouragingly as he turned to follow Lightning down into the depths of the Cathedral. "And stay behind us. It'll be safer for you that way," he tossed out over his shoulder, nearly missing a step as Hope and Lumina both tilted their heads to the side in twin expressions of bafflement. Why would they-? Oh right, they were probably deadlier than him and Lightning combined. But they were still mages, they could stay in the back like good little magic users. "Just do it," he grumbled as he stalked down the stairs.

"You know," Lumina murmured once Noel was far enough out of range to not hear her. "He still loves you."

Hope glanced over at her in mild curiosity as he started heading down the stairs as well. "Doubtful."

Lumina frowned and reached over to take his hand yet again. "Why would you say that?"

"You saw it yourself with that trial you performed with the Oracle Drive," Hope explained, sounding far too bland for Lumina's taste. "He's moved on, as he should have."

"Oh Hope, what am I gonna do with you?" Lumina cried as she covered her face with her free hand, then shook her head. "I didn't want Lightning to die, you know. I just want her to learn and be better. If I'd given him you? He wouldn't have stopped until she _was_ dead if it had been you."

"Innocent people died because of that," Hope pointed out.

"So what?" Lumina shot back, her lack of concern more than evident. "We're all gonna die anyway. And besides, did you really think I was just Lightning?" The whites of her eyes turned pitch black as she looked over at him and smiled wickedly. "I have a lot more to me than just that."

Hope stared at her. "Wh-"

Lumina ducked her head down and rubbed her cheek against his shoulder affectionately. "Don't worry, I still love you, no matter what. I'll love _all of you_ forever. Forever and ever. The Gods, we don't really die, you know? We just diminish and change as needed."


	9. The Start of Something Beautiful

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**The Start of Something Beautiful**  
_**by Meimi**_

_Wrote a sex scene follow up to "Learning Through Experience" a few days ago, but I'm not posting it here. If anyone's interested in reading it, look me up on the website __Archive of Our Own__._

_This one's set after "A Little Villiers Flavored Advice". Directly after._

Chapter Summary: Want and need had interesting parallels.

* * *

Noel leaned back into his chosen hiding place and mulled over what he should do. He'd initially been planning to insinuate himself into Hope's routine for the day and then cajole him into going out to dinner with him. Snow's little impromptu heart to heart chat had kind of kicked those plans to the wayside though. It had been a shock, to say the least, to hear that Snow, of all people, was for the most part in Noel's corner when it came to Hope. That was just _weird_. He and Snow... well, they just weren't... _friends_. Too much there to bridge any sort of gap yet, possibly even never. All they were was awkward and terrible and it probably would've been even worse if they both weren't of the same mind to not upset Hope with their irresolvable issues.

Hope kept them together. Kept them sane. The same way he kept the world going somehow even though it was all pretty damn grim. Hope just kept on going and people kept on following him. So when did he take time for himself? For all intent and purpose, _never_. Noel had started noticing that shortly after everything had gone to hell. At first he'd thought it was just from having to deal with absolutely everything going wrong. But no, Hope just never stopped. He was the leader the world had needed in the face of catastrophe, someone who was calm and collected, but also approachable. Hope always had an ear to lend to the troubled, a comforting embrace for the grieving, and a mind that never stopped searching for solutions to seemingly impossible problems. Didn't really leave much time for anything else.

Once Noel had caught on, it had been maddening to watch. More so when he'd finally realized _why_ Hope was like that. He'd had nothing. Everything important to Hope had been stolen away from him by paradoxes and conflicts that had been completely out of his reach. All he'd had was himself and the will to keep moving forward. No time hopping, no l'Cie focus, just plain old Hope Estheim. They'd all inadvertently done this to him. And even now, when he at least had Snow back, Hope just didn't know how to be any different. Granted, it didn't seem to bother him any, but it sure as hell bothered Noel.

And so, Noel had decided that he'd help Hope find a way to relax and actually just do something for himself for once. That's what friends were for, after all. And as a hunter born and bred, Noel had known that the best way to figure out a puzzle like that was to observe the prey in question. But the more he'd watched Hope, the more time he'd spent contemplating this particular problem, the more Noel had found himself simply _wanting_ Hope. Thoughts of helping Hope to relax had bled over into daydreams about being the one to _personally_ make Hope relax. Of course, by that time, it wasn't just Noel wanting to help out a friend. Oh no, he wanted _everything_.

And judging by that little chat he'd eavesdropped in on, Noel's chances were looking pretty damn good right about now.

Grinning cheekily, Noel hopped down from his hiding spot and strolled out into the workroom. Hope had immediately returned to whatever the hell he was doing with that machine after Snow had left. Always the busy little worker bee. Noel flopped down behind him, languidly stretched his legs out on either side of Hope, leaned back on his hands, and watched Hope continue his work, completely unphased by Noel's appearance. Such a wonderful view. The pants for the Academy uniform were very, very nice. They left little to the imagination, and Noel very much appreciated that. The material for the coat was a little too thick for his taste though. He'd really like to see a lot more of Hope than it supplied.

"I was wondering when you were going to come out," Hope said absently, his hands never stopping with what they were doing.

If it had been anyone else, Noel probably would've started questioning his own abilities, but Hope was damn sharp. No surprise that he'd noticed Noel hanging around. "I didn't want to interrupt anything."

"You've been here all morning," Hope countered, casting a pointed look over his shoulder before returning his attention to the machine.

_That_ was a little surprising, but not entirely unexpected. Hope had gotten a lot more sensitive to his presence of late. In the beginning, Noel's attention had very obviously made him nervous and jumpy. But lately, Hope had seemed a lot calmer whenever he was around. Noel chalked it up as yet another good sign. "You know me, I like waiting for the right moment," Noel said casually as he sat up straight and reached forward. He couldn't help the triumphant grin when Hope didn't flinch at his touch. What was that old saying again? Ah, yes. _Everything was coming up roses_.

"So," Noel drawled as he gently rubbed Hope's shoulders then slid his hands down his back. This would be much better without clothes. So much better. "Nice to know you're seriously considering _this_. Mind if I ask what the hold up is though?" Hope seemed pretty willing to see what might happen at this point, but there was still something holding him back from taking that last step. And with how well he'd come to know Hope, Noel knew that just asking about it wouldn't actually ruin anything between them.

Hope's shoulders drooped as he let out an audible sigh. "It's not that I'm not interested," Hope explained as he gave up working on the machine for the moment. "You're not exactly bad to look at."

Noel smothered a pleased chuckle. "That's nice to know."

"I don't-," Hope began, then cut himself off, shrugged and waved his hands helplessly in the air. "I haven't ever really had to consider something like this before."

"It's not the lack of physical experience is it?" Noel asked curiously. "I figured you hadn't done much, if anything at all, what with how much you work all the damn time."

Hope looked back over his shoulder with a wry smile. "I haven't actually. Didn't have much use for stuff like that." His lack of obvious embarrassment almost took Noel's breath away. It was becoming very, very difficult to not just kiss Hope then and there. "It's just," Hope started hesitantly, dropping his attention to the floor in front of him, "The problem isn't really very logical at all."

"Yeah?" Noel prompted encouragingly.

"I just can't shake the feeling," Hope said quietly and hung his head, "That one day you'll just up and disappear like everyone else."

Oh. _Damn_. Noel wrapped his arms around Hope's waist and pulled him back into a tight embrace. "I can't promise anything," Noel declared as he leaned down and nuzzled at Hope's neck. The collars were kind of in the way, but he could deal with them for now. "But you have to know that I'd do everything in my power to get back to you as soon as possible if something did happen. If Snow can do it, then I sure as hell can too." In all the time he'd spent watching and wanting Hope, all that effort he'd put into making sure that Hope knew what he wanted and giving him the space and opportunity to seriously think about it, Noel had never considered the possibility that Hope might actually _need_ what he was offering. No more waiting then.

"Funny," Hope murmured as he leaned his head back against Noel's shoulder and smiled, "That sounds like a promise to me."

* * *

_Talking to Snow about allusions to sex = **EMBARRASSING**  
Talking to Noel about sex experience = casual conversation  
In conclusion: Snow and Hope are totally FAMBLY, it's never as embarrassing unless it's your older sibling/dad stand in._


	10. Insurmountable Walls

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**Insurmountable Walls**  
_**by Meimi**_

Chapter Summary: In the end, all they could really do was just keep fighting. (Continuing the ending rewrite.)

* * *

Lightning spared Noel a brief glance as he jogged to catch up with her, then looked back at the pair lagging farther behind. "Try to stay in range," she called out, frowning a moment later in displeasure when Lumina stuck her tongue out at her. "That girl," Lightning muttered acidly under breath and shook her head, returning her attention to the catacombs in front of them.

It was hard not to stare back at the pair, which was definitely a problem since Noel _knew_ what all was probably down here. The Order liked their monsters a little too much. Lumina had always been _difficult_ to deal with. And not just because she looked like a much younger Serah. Oh no, if it had just been that, Noel probably would've ended up liking her. But Lumina was capricious, pulling pranks constantly like other people breathed air to live. Most people had simply seen her antics as harmless fun, and to be fair, for most they _were_ harmless. He couldn't say the same for himself. The Oracle Drive hadn't been the first bit of ill will she'd dropped in his lap. Though, considering the contents and what had happened afterwards, he supposed the entire thing hadn't been for his benefit in the first place. He really didn't like the thought of having just been another pawn in one of her many schemes.

The way she had attached herself to Hope was strange though. Noel wasn't jealous, per se (he would much rather be in her position though, to be honest), but it did bother him. The one saving grace for the entire thing was the fact that it looked like her behavior was bothering Hope as well. He kept giving her these very odd, disturbed expressions. Hope was so small like this. It was kind of hard to resist the urge to just scoop him up and get him the hell out of this damn place. The Order was dangerous when they were just playacting at being _peaceful_, but that act was over with now. With their deliverance at hand, the Order would be pulling out all the stops. Which meant monsters.

Something white fluttered into view ahead of them, all sharp angles with wings that should never have been able to keep it aloft. "What is that?" Lightning demanded as she drew her sword.

"An Archangeli," Noel answered as he followed suit. "Go physical and kill it fast." Lightning nodded grimly, surging forward to slash high while Noel went in low. The _thing_ tried to cast a spell at them, but didn't quite manage to do much other than wilt and die under their combined assault.

"Woo! Go team!" Lumina cheered from behind them.

Lightning sighed in what sounded like a great deal of exasperation. "I take it you have no intention of helping."

"Nope, you don't need it yet." Lumina smiled winsomely as she leaned her cheek back down against Hope's shoulder.

Noel's fingers itched, but he ignored the sensation and merely sheathed his blades. It all boiled down to envy scratching at him from the inside. Hope was different, so much younger, but he was still Hope. _His_ Hope. Noel just wanted to hold him for the next century and a half and let everything else go to hell if it so chose. But this had to be taken care of first. Vanille wouldn't be allowed to die. And God would get exactly what he had coming to him. _Would the world still end if they killed God?_ Somehow that didn't seem right to Noel. But even if it did, he refused to ever let Hope out of his sight ever again. If death was the next step in the cycle of his life, Noel would damn well haunt Hope in the new world if he had to. A more immediate concern, however, was the need for information, and Lightning was probably his best chance at getting it. "She's awfully clingy," Noel commented as casually as he could manage. Their shared dislike of the little demon Not-Serah was probably the best place to start from.

"That's one way of putting it," Lightning snorted derisively, then cast yet another glance back over her shoulder. "It serves its purpose though."

"Yeah?" Noel prompted, his tone a shade doubtful. He honestly couldn't see any benefit to Lumina's usual behavior. Though he did suppose her magic skills would be a huge plus for the battles that still lay ahead of them, assuming she decided to use them anyway.

Lightning smiled in acrid amusement. "As hard as it may be to believe, yes, it does." Shaking her head slightly, Lightning very deliberately did not look behind them again, instead dropping her gaze down to her left hand as she slowly curled it into a fist. "She won't let anything near him. For now, it's the best way to keep him safe."

"I guess," Noel muttered unhappily. She had a point. With how attached the brat was acting, Lumina would turn anything hostile into smoldering paste before it even got within striking distance. He still didn't like it though. Noel would prefer it to be _him_ personally protecting Hope, but he also knew that "protecting" Hope actually meant more than just keeping him safe. Each and every one of their friends was someone infinitely precious, and letting them die when something could be done about it was unacceptable. Serah... wouldn't happen again. Vanille would live. Hope wouldn't lose anyone else. None of them would.

"He's not well." Noel nearly tripped at the unexpected admission from her. The statement wasn't really surprising though. He'd figured that much out just by how drastically Hope had been changed. But somehow, he didn't think Lightning was referring to just that. Something else was going on here. "He was dying this morning. That's why I was late."

Noel stopped cold. His vision went white for the span of a second, while his mind screamed, _**No**_. Thoughts skittered around inside his head haphazardly. But he's alive _now_. Wouldn't have known. _Again_. Would've slipped right through my fingers. _**Again**_. Would've lost him twice without knowing a damn thing. _Would it even have mattered then?_ **Yes**. Hope _always_ mattered. Noel was swiftly losing the ability to cope. _No no. No breakdown allowed. Not yet._ Vanille first. _Focus_.

Lightning grabbed his upper arm in an iron grip and dragged Noel along beside her until he could recall how to walk again on his own. "I'm sorry, I know how that sounds."

_No. No, you really don't, Lightning._ Noel thought bitterly to himself. _You really, really don't._ No time to tell her either, and he sure as hell didn't feel like it right now anyway. Best to keep it close, on the down low, he wasn't sure Hope even remembered _them_ right now. No reason to surprise him with something like that. Not yet anyway.

"The task God had assigned to him was over. He was of no more use and God apparently doesn't leave behind loose ends. Right now he's holding on by will alone," Lightning explained, giving Noel a soft pat on the arm before releasing him. She was comforting him. That was weird. Well, no, she would've known that they had become friends during all the time hopping with Serah. So not too weird. Just... odd. "But he can't keep that up forever."

This just kept getting worse by the minute. And more. It almost seemed like a thunderhead was forming over Lightning as her face darkened in what looked to be worried suspicion. Something else? What else could possibly be wrong?

"How long has Hope been missing?" Lightning asked abruptly.

"A hundred and sixty-nine years," Noel responded immediately. Impossible to forget. Every year of not knowing had been yet another wound sliced into his heart.

"It doesn't add up," Lightning shook her head in mounting uncertainty. "His task was to observe me while I went around doing all that Savior bullshit. That can't have been the real reason he got snatched in the first place though. It was too long ago. And I know he's keeping something from me, I just can't figure out what."

_Why?_ Noel scowled deeply and stared down at his feet. Each step he took seemed to echo the singular question he'd been wondering for so very long. _Why?_ He'd gotten something of an answer today, but it still left so many other questions unanswered. God was the reason Hope had vanished. _God would pay_. But why take him in the first place? Lightning was right, nothing made sense in regards to that. Too much missing information. But there was still one thing he needed to know. "Does he remember everything? Or has that been diminished as well?"

"I'm pretty sure he remembers everything about his life, if that's what you mean," Lightning replied readily enough, then added in afterthought, "But his emotions have been suppressed. Not sure what's up with that either. A part of me wishes that it was just a symptom of him having to put so much energy into just staying here, but I know it's not. Something else is causing it."

That... the remembering was good, at least. Hope hadn't forgotten him. He wouldn't... he wouldn't have to rebuild their life together from the ground up. Noel almost smiled at the massive sense of relief that swept over him. The not feeling anything would be a problem, but it was a problem with a cause. They just had to figure out the cause and then fix it. It was something tangible, something he could work towards. But, something else had to come first, will couldn't hold out forever. Could it? "Any ideas on how to relieve that?"

"God," Lightning answered simply. "He's the reason for all of this. If we take him out it will probably help significantly." Lightning frowned, tapping her chin in heavy thought for several moments before continuing, "The problem is that it's God. I've dealt with fal'Cie before, but this is different. This is a being who can create worlds. I don't know if we're capable of defeating him. But we don't have a choice either. If we don't, we die, and so does everyone we care about."

It was a sobering thought. How did you fight a God anyway? The worst he'd ever faced off against was Caius with his freaking Bahamuts and Lightning. Well no, there'd been that one Undying in the Archylte Steppes. Oh, and there'd also been that crazy one in Oerba that kept summoning crap. The closest he'd come to fighting something that was godlike had been that Proto fal'Cie in Augusta Tower. Nothing really to compare to. Every single one of them had had easily perceivable power levels. Noel highly doubted that the God of all of that (and them) would be quite so easy to gauge. Something that could create a world from nothing could probably destroy one just as easily. But there was nothing else to do for it but fight. Even if they ultimately turned out to just be ants underneath the foot of their creator, some things just couldn't be forgiven. _Wouldn't_ be.

"So what have you guys been talking amongst yourselves about?" Lumina piped up from directly behind them. Noel nearly jumped out of his skin, but managed to clamp down on his nerves swiftly enough that it only ended up as a faltered step. He'd been having a lot of those today, so it wouldn't come off as something too out of the ordinary. Not that any of his present company could ever be referred to as ordinary. At all. _Little demon_. When had she snuck back up on them? Noel sent a scowl over his shoulder at her, but his face smoothed out into a happy smile a second later when his gaze landed on Hope. _He was really real, really there_. Him being so tiny though, that was going to be such a problem for Noel. Waiting for Hope to grow up again would be a true test of his patience. He'd persevere though. Just having Hope back was more than enough for him.

"You," Lightning deadpanned, her displeasure at Lumina cutting through the tangent Noel's thoughts had gone off on. He really ought to focus and pay more attention to what was going on around them. Just because they hadn't run into another beast yet didn't mean there weren't any lurking about.

"Nothing but glowing praise, I imagine." Noel felt the muscles in his shoulders tighten up in unwelcome anticipation at the obvious setup. She wouldn't really pull anything _now_, would she? She wasn't that nuts. Right?

"Nope," Lightning shot back, utterly bored sounding and unconcerned over any perceived threat from the demon in their midst.

"I see." Lumina scowled irritably. "Well, I hope you've at least discussed the big bad that lays ahead of us."

Lightning frowned. "We're more than aware of God."

"No. No, I don't think you are," Lumina said stonily. "This is God we're talking about. He's not going to be anything like what you're expecting." Lumina looked apologetically over at Hope and squeezed his hand in sympathy. "You're going into this more blind than you've ever been before."

"Well, we are pretty much expecting anything at this point," Noel asserted. There really was no way to prepare in facing what was basically a supreme being. But they couldn't exactly turn tail and run either. Too much was on the line.

"You're not. You're really, really not. And I can't really tell you why," Lumina sighed despondently and shifted closer to Hope. "You just have to understand, once he's decided on something, you can't stop him. There's nothing you can do. You just have to wait. Wait for him to make a mistake." Smiling sadly, she closed her eyes and leaned her head down against Hope's shoulder. "Just like us, huh? Mistakes."

A loaded silence stretched out between them, Lumina's words weighing heavily on Lightning and Noel's minds. "She's right, of course," Hope spoke up unexpectedly. "Humans are a mistake in the eyes of God. But it's a mistake he covets."

Lightning and Noel both looked back at him questioningly. Hope shrank back a little from their combined attention. It worried Noel. Did Hope think it was wrong to talk to them? He'd... never been like that before. "What do you mean?" Lightning asked gently.

Hope glanced hesitantly over at Lumina, who rubbed his arm encouragingly. "He's always desired the ability to control the Chaos of the Unseen Realm. But it has always eluded him. He's incapable of understanding it. And then we popped up during his long sleep, little fragile things that hold Chaos in our hearts and suffer nothing from it."

"I wouldn't say that," Noel muttered morosely, "The negativity brought on by it causes a hell of a lot of suffering."

Hope shook his head. "It does, but it's not the same thing. He sees our humanity as the real mistake, he doesn't think it has anything to do with the Chaos."

"Oh," Lightning nodded in understanding, "I think I see where you're going with this. He thinks our emotions are a disposable inconvenience."

"Right," Hope agreed. "But they're the actual reason the fal'Cie used us as l'Cie to do what they could not. The Chaos makes us what we are, and we in turn shaped the Chaos into a strength we could use to achieve our goals. They saw it as a means to an end, but in truth it's simply what we are."

"But because God doesn't understand it, he sees no value in what makes us human," Lightning grimaced sourly at the implication, then asked sharply, "Is that why he took yours away? He saw it as a hindrance to what he wanted out of you?"

Hope blinked at her in surprise over the change of subject, then dropped his gaze to the floor. "No. That's not the reason."

"They why-"

"Don't," Lumina said forcefully as she very deliberately stepped in between Hope and Lightning. "Don't try to get him to tell you about stuff he can't talk about. He _can't_. You'll only end up making him miserable."

"Then why don't you try explaining since you obviously know more than we do," Lightning prompted in annoyance.

"It wouldn't matter even if I did," Lumina sighed sadly and shook her head. "You can't change it. God's will is absolute."

"You don't-"

"Hold it!" Noel broke in, holding his hand up for quiet. "Do you hear that?" He asked curiously as he listened carefully to the corridor. There was silence for several seconds, only the beating of their own hearts to break it, and then a distant, muffled crackle.

"Electricity," Lightning nodded approvingly at Noel's attentiveness. "Probably another one of those beasts from earlier, though how it fit all the way down here is anyone's guess."

"No, it's not just that. Listen closer," Noel instructed. There had been something else, something not quite as beastly.

Lightning narrowed her eyes at him, but did as directed. There was silence, the empty sound of wind, another crackle, and then what sounded like an interrupted roar. "What is that?"

"It's Fang," Noel explained grimly as he reached back and drew his blades. "She showed up shortly before you did."

"And you didn't join her?" Lightning looked back at him curiously as she picked up her pace. Another roar echoed from down below, this time not interrupted, urging them into a full on run. Fang could take care of herself, they all knew that, but those beasts weren't anything to laugh about either. She could probably use the help.

"I needed you," Noel called out after her.

"Why?"

"It doesn't matter anymore." Noel swallowed uneasily at the intense look Lightning threw back at him. She, out of all of them, would most likely have understood where he'd been coming from at the time. But it didn't matter anymore, the situation had changed drastically. Vanille was no longer a danger. She was just the victim.

The roars grew louder and angrier as they slid around corners and leaped down short stairways. A pained howl nearly deafened them as the corridor finally opened up into a large, gated room. Fang spared them a glance as she slammed her staff against the main head and then darted out of range of one of the serpent's breaths. "Nice of you to finally join me," she said casually as she sidestepped a swipe and tore a gouge down the chimera's side.

"There were a few roadblocks," Lightning explained blandly as she mentally measured the distance and prepared for a lunge at the creature's nearest dragon head.

"No time for that!" Lumina intoned behind them, a massive firaga engulfing the beast a moment later. It shrieked in agony, and then exploded into smoke and dust as Hope's following blizzaga hit it in turn.

Noel and Lightning exchanged knowing looks and shrugged. There really wasn't much to say about Lumina's overeagerness when she decided to act in their favor. It got the job done. Fang merely blinked at the clearing smoke, then smiled in easy acceptance. "Well, that's one way of dealing with it." She gave them all a quick once over, her smile turning down into a confused frown when she spied Hope. "Shouldn't you be taller by now?"

"Yes, but that's not important right now," Lightning stated firmly as she drew up next to Fang, her sword still drawn. "We're here for Vanille."

"Yeah," Fang drawled as she eyed Lightning warily, "Same. But are you here as God's good little Savior, or have you rediscovered your own free will?"

"God's on the shitlist," Lightning stated plainly. "We cannot allow Vanille to complete the Soulsong."

"Good to hear." Fang grinned wickedly, hefting her staff across one shoulder as she turned towards the heavy doors blocking their path. "It's about time we were all back on the same page. There's some ass that needs a good kicking."

"Fang," Lightning reached out, grabbing Fang's shoulder before she could take another step. "Vanille has to be stopped, but not just for her sake."

Fang looked back at her, one eyebrow arching in question. "Yeah?"

"She won't just be killing herself and destroying all of those souls," Lightning explained. "She'll be erasing them from existence. There won't be anything left, not even our memories of them. They'll be forgotten completely, as if they were never there to begin with. And that includes her."

Fang's lips thinned into a hard line at the news. "Well then, I guess this really is all or nothing. Always turns out that way for us, huh?" Fang shrugged out of Lightning's grasp, turned back towards the doors, and squared her shoulders. "Don't worry, if it comes to it, I'll knock her the hell out. No one's getting _erased_ today."


	11. Good Morning

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**Good Morning**  
_**by Meimi**_

Needed something happy today. Enjoy a brief moment of frisky. :)

Chapter Summary: Noel warms Hope's bed. (After things become "Beautiful".)

* * *

It was warm. Toasty even. Strange, Hope couldn't recall adjusting the thermostat any the night before. He'd been too busy talking with Noel, who'd insisted on following him home from work. It had been nice to just sit and talk with someone about something other than the latest crisis. Should do that more often. Well, actually, now that he thought about it, they probably would be doing that a lot more often. He hadn't exactly said yes outright, but it had been more than implied after the end of their first discussion yesterday. Hope could still feel the ghosting caress of lips down the side of his neck and the tingle they'd left upon his own. It had been pleasant, would be, and more. And Noel... Well, he'd always liked being around Noel.

Hope had well learned the art of hiding his misgivings behind a guise of optimism long, long ago. It wasn't exactly a lie he projected, most of the time he truly did believe there was a solution to every problem. They just needed to find it. He often didn't immediately have the required answer, but he knew it had to exist, and thus it would be found. But there were also times when even he didn't feel like there was anything left to do but wait for the end. It had to come sometime, right? The way the world was now was difficult to fathom, much less live in. Humanity had become the paradoxes in this endless eternity of nothing. But people still depended on him, so he had to keep going. Thankfully, either Snow or Noel tended to show up whenever he started to contemplate wallowing in a little partitioned part of his mind. They were both very adept at lifting his spirits, whether they realized it or not. Though, they probably did. Snow wasn't anywhere near being the idiot he put on airs about. And Noel... Noel had been watching him too long now to not have realized that much. Eternity wasn't so bad of a prospect with them around. And even more than that in regards to one of them.

The bed shifted behind Hope. _What?_ The warmth he'd been feeling pressed firmly against his back, an arm draped over his middle, and a hot, heavy breath puffed at his ear. "Good morning." _Oh_. So that's how he'd gotten to bed. His last clear memory from the night before had been chuckling with Noel over something banal, and then his next had been waking up. He must have fallen asleep on Noel. How embarrassing. But Noel had apparently been nice enough to put him to bed, and had obviously decided to spend the night as well. Hope wasn't surprised by the latter, nor did he really mind it. It was... nice. He could get used to this.

"Morning," Hope said quietly. He wasn't exactly a morning person, far from it really. Getting up early was a necessity, but he didn't have to like it. It was always cold in the morning. He _hated_ the cold. Except for today. Maybe he should've caved in to Noel's advances sooner. If this was one of the results, then he had no arguments left to give. He did wonder though, was Noel a morning person or did he also require a coffee drip to function properly? That was the real reason he was being extra quiet. He didn't want to give Noel a headache or anything first thing in the morning. This was going to take some adjusting to. There were still many nuances they didn't know about each other.

"Mmm," Noel hummed languidly in Hope's ear, the arm around his middle tightening slowly. Hope couldn't help but smile at it. Did this mean Noel was a cuddler? That would be interesting. "I think you should take off work for the day."

Hope blinked curiously at the statement. "Why's that?" He was expecting a simple answer, he got anything but.

Noel grumbled and curled his head down, pressing his nose into Hope's neck. The arm tightened around him even further, then released a moment later as Noel levered himself up from the bed. The now unoccupied hand urged Hope over onto his back. _What was he-_ Hope's eyes widened in surprise as Noel straddled him, hands coming to rest on opposite sides of his head as Noel leaned down over him. "You are distinctly lacking in one area of your knowledge base, Hope Estheim. I think," Noel leaned down further, teasing lips over Hope's own, "that we should." A harder press that left his nerves tingling. "Maybe." Hope interrupted him this time, raising his head up a little to meet Noel before he could say anymore. Fingers threaded through his hair on one side in appreciation. "We should work on this," Noel murmured against Hope's lips, his breath audibly hitching as Hope snuck his tongue out for a taste. He could feel those fingers spasming in his hair now. "Today." The last was a growl and then Noel took his breath away.

He'd never been kissed like this before. Oh, there had been the chaste pecks of childhood, followed by the stigma of nothing thanks to often being recognized as one of the l'Cie that had been on the news prior to the fall of Cocoon, and then he'd been too busy to even think about such things. Alyssa had surprised him once, but that hadn't gone anywhere. She'd been his assistant. He did not fraternize. Just as well too, since she'd also been a traitor.

Noel was very good with his tongue. Sliding and teasing expertly. It was much hotter now. Almost unbearable. The clothes would have to go soon. Didn't need them anyway. Eventually, he wasn't entirely sure when exactly, Noel broke from their kiss and started mouthing his way across Hope's cheek. His skin felt heated and far too sensitive. No doubt, a bright flush was painted across it. Impossible to miss. He always had been too much on the pale side. He could never hide it, so he'd just learned to let things pass over him instead of allowing a reaction. In this case though, he wasn't sure that would work. And did it even matter at this point? Hope hissed as teeth nipped at his earlobe. Too much. "So what do you think?"

"I think," Hope replied automatically as he buried one hand in Noel's hair, pushing him closer, and fisted the other in Noel's shirt, _pulling_ him closer. Damnit. What had the question been again? Something about work? Ah yes, taking the day off. That was indeed a good idea. Brilliant even. "I think that can be arranged," he finished breathlessly.

"Good," Noel chuckled softly in Hope's ear, the sound sending a jolt down his spine. "I'm going to need the entire day." Noel rose back up over Hope, gazing down at him with dark, hooded eyes. Hungry eyes. "More than one day really." The fingers slid up out of Hope's hair, across his cheek, the thumb coming to rest heavily against his lips. "But today will be a good start."

Hope smiled against that touch. Yes, it would be nice to not wake up alone anymore. He'd probably have to adjust his hours though. Something told him that Snow had been incorrect in his assumption of just every night. Noel didn't seem like the type to wait that long. And Hope didn't care much for waiting on this particular subject either.

* * *

**The Night Before**

Noel stopped cold in his tracks, placed his hands on his hips, and shook his head fondly at the sight before him. He'd only been gone a few seconds, just long enough to go put their glasses in the kitchen sink. And there Hope was, reclining against the back of the couch, one hand in his lap, the other thrown out haphazardly against the cushions, his eyes closed, his breathing steady. very much asleep. Well, Noel hadn't expected anything to happen tonight, but he'd at least thought he'd get a goodnight kiss. Oh well. Hope worked too damn much. And while he was very much for convincing Hope to stop overworking himself, Noel knew well that Hope would always be working too damn hard for everybody. It was just who he was.

That wasn't going to be comfortable though. Letting Hope sleep on the couch was not really acceptable. _Hmm, now how was he going to do this?_ Noel reached up and scratched the back of his neck, then shrugged and headed down the short hallway to the bedroom. Get the easy stuff taken care of first. The room was clean, as expected, but not to a pristine level. Noel could appreciate that. There was comfort to be had from an orderly living space, but going too far with the cleaning was just inviting stress. Hope at least was pretty balanced in that regard. Just needed to work on that whole "fix everything" complex. A quick flip of the covers and the bed was all ready.

Noel headed back to the living room. Hope was still in the same position he'd been in before. Sleeping peacefully. "Okay then, let's see if I can do this without waking you up," Noel muttered to himself before carefully sliding his arms beneath Hope and then gently lifting him up. Hope shifted against him, but remained asleep. _Perfect_. Grinning to himself, Noel headed back to the bedroom, precious burden in hand. Hope murmured something inaudible when Noel lay him down on the bed, but did not wake. _Excellent_. Thankfully, Hope had gotten out of most of the extraneous stuff on his uniform after they'd arrived at his home. Good thing too, there would've been no way Noel could get that damn coat off without waking him up. _So_ many pointless clasps. What even was the point of all of that? Noel grimaced knowingly to himself, he'd be learning the ins and outs of that damn thing very, very soon. The socks were the only real thing left that could go (he wasn't going to get Hope out of his pants... yet). Noel tossed the blankets over the still slumbering Hope once they'd been dealt with. He was either really good, or Hope really was just that tired. Noel would like to believe the former, but the latter was far more likely.

Noel shook his head again, then leaned down to place a soft kiss on Hope's cheek. "Tomorrow then," he said quietly, then straightened up and circled around to the other side of the bed. His own extraneous stuff was swiftly shed before he joined Hope under the covers. He was probably being a little too forward, but at the same time he wanted to show Hope that he'd always be around. This would be a good start. Noel lightly ran his fingertips down Hope's upper arm, then huffed to himself in frustration. He wanted to fall asleep with Hope in his arms, but this was still new. Patience was a necessary part of life.

"I'll see you in the morning," Noel whispered to Hope as he settled in for a night that he just _knew_ was going to be filled with very interesting dreams. Well, at the very least, if he played his cards right, he'd be able to act some of them out in the morning. That was definitely something to look forward to.


	12. To Gain and To Lose

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**To Gain and To Lose**  
_**by Meimi**_

_There was another sex scene posted up for this fic during the week on the __Archive Of Our Own__ website, head over there if you want to read it._

Chapter Summary: Continuing the ending rewrite here.

* * *

Upon opening the doors, the Chaos flowed out in heavy waves, undulating around them like a living thing. And wasn't that the truth of it? The Chaos was alive with the souls of millions, lost and adrift, suffering from the cycle's end. Hope couldn't help but falter under the weight of it all. _This was-_ A heavy pit of dread settled in his stomach, and he couldn't be sure whether it was his own or another's. _Too similar now?_ Or not enough of him left to tell a difference? It burned, so Hope was inclined to believe it belonged to _him_ as well. Everything about God burned. Fear would fit in that case too. The fear of the unknown must surely bother even a god.

Lumina laced her fingers through his, leaning closer to whisper in his ear, "Don't worry, just stay close to me. I'll keep you safe." She winked as he gave her a dubious look. "I mean it. The Chaos won't hurt you while I'm on the job."

Hope couldn't help the thread of disbelief in his voice. "You can't make that kind of guarantee. No one can."

"Well, that is true," Lumina pouted unhappily at being caught on that particular truth. "If the souls trapped within the Chaos viewed you as an enemy, then nothing would stop them from destroying you. But that's not the case." She smiled weakly and patted Hope consoling on the shoulder. "They know you're just like them, just another victim in the grand scheme of things. They won't hurt you."

Hope shook his head. "That's not very comforting."

Lumina frowned at him knowingly. "No, I suppose it isn't; but I know the rest is. Being around family is what counts the most. Isn't that right?"

Hope swallowed heavily, taken aback by her blunt straightforwardness. It fit though. Even though she'd already proven to him to be more than what he'd first surmised, she was still partly Lightning. How that was, he didn't know, couldn't even guess, but it didn't really matter in the long run. She was still a piece of Lightning and Lightning had never really been very good at subtle. And it _was_ the truth. Death had never really bothered him, not since Cocoon. Everyone feared death, of course, and he wasn't exactly any different. He'd just come to realize the inevitability of it. Everyone died. Everything ended. Eventually. No use railing against something you couldn't actually change. More so for him now than ever before. No, there was no real comfort to be had in living a little longer or not. The rest though, that was worth hanging on for. He'd slept through hundreds of years on the off chance of seeing his friends just one more time. He'd helped build a future because he'd wanted them to have _something_. And when it had all fallen to ash, he'd still kept going for them. For Snow and Noel and Sazh, even though the latter had practically fallen off the face of the planet after it had all gone to hell. He kept moving forward for the minuscule chance that Vanille and Fang would awaken some day free of their crystal sleep. And for Lightning, whom he had never really believed to be lost forever, who he knew would someday return to them. Maybe it _was_ all wrong now. Maybe God would destroy them all for their impunity, but for this all too brief moment in time, he'd at least gotten to see some of them again.

That made it all worth it, didn't it? The future he'd put so much of himself into would never come to pass, but all the reasons for it _had_. In the face of that, even all of those years wasted away beneath the hand of God had still been worth something. He wasn't exactly happy about it, still couldn't feel much of anything really. But Hope supposed that if he could feel that particular emotion, then yes, he probably would be happy right now. A foolish sentiment, but a very human one nonetheless.

"Let's get this over with," Fang growled as she strode purposefully into the sanctuary. The Chaos within was a veritable whirlwind of thick, oppressive shadows. Wan sunlight filtered in from the glass dome far above only to be blocked out a moment later by the writhing mass of darkness. In the center of it all the Holy Clavis shown brightly with an unearthly light, and before it stood Vanille, a high priestess, and two guards. "We're late," Fang hissed, her eyes narrowing dangerously as she launched herself up the stairs leading to the altar. "Lightning!"

"On it!" Lightning called out, leaping up alongside Fang, her sword clanging harshly against the gun being leveled at her. The sentries were by far no match for the two women they faced off against, and were easily and swiftly dealt with. Lightning kicked the remains of her opponent over the banister and then hauled the other body out of Fang's way.

Fang nodded her thanks then immediately shot up the rest of the stairs, firmly planting herself in between Vanille and the high priestess. "That's _enough_, Vanille," she said sharply, holding her staff ready against any actions from the Order priestess, "And you can just stay right over there, lady."

Vanille stared at her in utter shock. "Fang! What are you-"

"Putting a stop to this farce," Fang explained in a severe tone as she continued to watch the priestess for any sudden movement. "No one's dying today except the people who've been asking for it."

"Fang, please," Vanille breathed out wearily, clasping her hands together to halt their nervous fluttering. "I know you don't want it to be like this. But all of these people, all of those souls, they're all in pain and they deserve to be granted peace. I have to do this."

"No, you don't!" Fang snarled angrily as she whirled around on Vanille. "You don't have to do a damn thing but be yourself. The Vanille I know heaps the guilt of others on herself, but at the end of the day she's no murderer. And if you follow through with this damned Soulsong then that's exactly what you're going to be. Is that what you want?"

"What are-" Vanille shook her head as she took a step back from Fang. "What are you talking about? This is the only way to end their suffering."

"Oh, of course," Fang shot back snidely, waving her staff pointedly at the still glowing Holy Clavis. "Destroy them all to end their suffering and kill yourself right along with them. No problem, right?" She sneered as she whipped around on the high priestess. "And that's all she needed to know, of course. It's the only way, after all. Got to put them all to rest. Permanently. Isn't that right? Except when you're done, there won't be anything left. No souls. No Vanille. No memory of anything to remember them by." Fang looked back over her shoulder at Vanille, her expression grave. "If you go through with this, then I won't even get to remember you. And I won't remember anyone from Oerba either. It will all be gone."

"What?!" Vanille cried out, then shook her head again in disbelief. "No, it's not like that. It's not like that at all."

"Yes, Vanille. It is," Lightning said with conviction as she ascended the last few steps to join them. "The Holy Clavis is meant to erase the souls drawn to it. All of them. Completely."

"But- No, that can't be." Vanille covered her ears and hung her head. "It just can't be."

Fang smiled sadly, but didn't relent. "Light here, she won't remember Serah if you complete that damned song. And Hope," she jerked her head down at the trio standing at the base of the stairs. "He'll forget his parents. Sazh will forget all about his wife; and Dajh won't even remember he had a mom. And Snow, well, Snow won't remember anything about those NORA idiots he used to hang out with. Our families... they'll be gone. Just like that."

"Stop it," Vanille whimpered painfully as she collapsed to her knees. "Just stop it. It's not like that. It's not supposed to be like that. It's just supposed to help them, that's all. They deserve to be free from all their suffering."

"Yeah, they do," Fang sighed heavily and knelt down in front of Vanille. "They've all been waiting for so long to be reborn, but we're all trapped here together in this world that just stopped working. Can't really blame them for being upset about it," Fang chuckled ruefully, "I'd be pretty angry about it myself. But destroying them isn't the answer."

"Then what is?" Vanille asked hopelessly as she looked up and locked eyes with Fang, visible tear tracks glimmering on her cheeks.

"I don't know," Fang shrugged and reached up to grip her neck in uncertainty. "We never really looked for anything asides from that stupid Clavis. I guess we kind of screwed up on that front."

Vanille mustered up a weak smile at Fang's levity. "The world is going to end today."

"Maybe." Fang shared a meaningful look with Lightning before turning her attention back to Vanille. "But we'll all get through it one way or another. We always do. It's just the way it is."

"I guess." Vanille let out a long, heavy breath and drooped over, hanging her head to stare down at the floor. "Doesn't seem right though. I thought... I thought this was the only way. The way to fix everything."

"Vanille, I love you dearly," Fang began as she reached forward and pulled the headdress off of her old partner, "But you've got to stop doing this."

Vanille blinked up at her curiously. "Stop doing what?"

"Stop taking my sins on as your own," Fang answered, a wry smile taking off the sting as she rose to her feet and then reached back down to help Vanille up. "I know what I've done, and I know what you've done. And _you_ have never hurt a single person unless you absolutely had to. You're no killer, that's for sure. No, that's all on me. And I accept what I've done, Vanille. But I don't regret it. Not a single thing."

"But Fang, I don't." Vanille frowned unhappily, at an obvious loss for words.

"You do," Fang said fondly, then shared another brief knowing glance with Lightning. "Once upon a time I said I'd tear down the sky to keep you safe. And I still would. For you, and for this patchwork family we've somehow managed to cobble together. And I know that just telling you to stop won't really do much," Fang muttered with fake annoyance as she leaned over and tilted Vanille's chin up with her index finger, "But I want you to at least try. For me, for you, and for our family. None of us like seeing you this way, you know."

"I-," Vanille murmured hesitantly, her gaze skittering off to the side as she hunched down on herself. "I don't know if I can do that. But... if that's what you really, really want, I guess I can give it a try." She looked back over, giving Fang and Lightning both an unsure smile. "I'll try, okay?"

Fang nodded encouragingly. "Good enough for me."

"And is that it then, sacred one, is this what you truly desire?" Their attention was instantly captured by the Order priestess, who had remained where she stood, watching them the entire time. Fang scowled, raising her staff in a defensive position, but the woman appeared unconcerned by her aggressive stance. "If you turn your back on God now, then you shall be abandoning all of these souls to an eternity of suffering."

"No, I won't do it." Vanille shook her head sadly. "Destroying them isn't the answer. Is there no way for them to be reborn in the new world?" she asked forlornly as she looked up at the Chaos swirling around them. "It's what they want. I can hear it, buried beneath all of their sadness and pain. It's the one thing they haven't given up on."

"I'm afraid not," the priestess replied, sounding regretful as she turned to look upon the Holy Clavis. "Their despair has become such a taint that God can no longer purify it. To allow it into the new world would be to end it before it had even begun. Knowing this, will you still choose the path of the heretic, sacred one?"

"I'm sorry, but no, I can't." Vanille shrunk back, almost unconsciously hiding herself behind Fang as she gazed down despondently at the floor. "Maybe I'm wrong. Or maybe I'm just being selfish again. But if the purpose of the Soulsong is to erase them completely, then no, I can't do that. I'd just be hurting them more if I followed through with it. They deserve better than that."

"That is most unfortunate." The high priestess sighed audibly. "But your willingness is not a necessary component," she sneered as she raised her hand towards the Holy Clavis. Power exploded outwards, arching between the Clavis and Vanille and knocking the others off their feet. "The will of God shall not be denied!"

"Aw crap," Lumina breathed out as she backed up behind Noel, pulling Hope along with her. The Chaos whipped around them, the light from the Clavis propelling it into a fever pitch. "They think they're being attacked!" Lumina yelled over the roar filling the sanctuary, a contrite expression crossing her face a moment later. "Well, they kind of are," she muttered to herself, then flinched as the shadows ignited around them, pouring out a half dozen or so Set warriors. "We're not considered friendlies anymore!"

Hope nodded grimly, casting an aeroga to keep back the two nearest fiends. The magic would weaken them, but he'd need a bit more to take them down. Shame he didn't have his boomerang with him this time around. It would certainly have been helpful. Thunder sparked in his palm before he sent it dancing out across the floor. Stronger spells would likely be needed, but Hope was hesitant to use them. Aeroga had a fixed radius, the others, however, tended to bleed out further in random directions. He could sense Noel behind him, and even further was Lumina, both fighting off their own group of monsters. They were both more than capable of handling their fair share, he wasn't concerned about that. He just didn't want to inadvertently add to the stuff they already had to avoid. Frowning slightly in intense concentration, Hope rolled under an axe swipe that would have taken off his head and pushed a blizzard up from the floor, forming it into a giant ice spike that speared the beast through the chest. One down; one to go.

Hope was shuffling through elements in his mind when an arm snaked around his middle, pulling him up against a familiar body. _What?_ Flame painted blades sliced expertly through his remaining opponent, but the hold on him remained. _Odd_. Hope craned his head back and blinked up curiously at Noel. "It was all right."

"I know." Noel smiled down at him, almost apologetically, as he sheathed his blades. "But you shouldn't have to fight on your own. Not while I'm here."

"And what about me?" Lumina asked irritably as she snapped her fingers, blowing up the last remaining Set - which had been bearing down on her. "Am I chopped liver or something?"

"Yes," Noel said blandly, not even deigning to look her way.

Lumina growled and stamped her foot on the ground. He was getting her back for something, she just knew it. Smart timing too, making him pay for it right now would be a really bad idea. Huffing to herself in annoyance, Lumina placed her hands on her hips and eyed the two of them speculatively. The way Noel was holding Hope sure was cozy. "Are you going to let him go anytime soon?" she inquired with a raised brow.

"And give him back to you?" Noel chuckled cynically and shook his head. "No, I don't think so. He can stay right here with me." Hope gave him another look, this time confused, but Noel only smiled happily and ruffled his hair.

"And now he chooses to be a sap," Lumina muttered to herself, shooting Noel a dirty look before turning her attention up to the rest of their group. If the Holy Clavis wasn't stopped soon, then they would have a much bigger problem on their hands. Memory erasure would leave them all far too vulnerable to God's machinations.

Vanilla stood rigidly, her eyes wide, transfixed to the brilliantly gleaming Clavis, though likely not really seeing anything at all. Energy swirled around her, wafting this way and that, much akin to a flame, before getting sucked into the unearthly device. Lightning grimaced as she reached through the haze and grabbed ahold of Vanille's shoulders. The energy prickled at her skin painfully, easily telling her that they needed to get Vanille away from it as soon as humanly possible. She could hear Fang ending their own little Chaos presents behind her, but it didn't seem to register at all to Vanille. Lightning pulled and met little resistance as Vanille fell back against her. The energy refused to dissipate though, and began curling around her as well. "Fang," Lightning called out. Didn't look like removing Vanille was going to work, time to try something else.

"Let's try a more direct approach then," Fang said boldly as she strode past the pair and swung her staff at the Clavis. It rebounded forcefully off of nothing, causing Fang to stagger back to catch her balance. "Okay then, let's try magic," Fang grumbled angrily as she raised her free hand and flung a ruin at the damned thing. It resulted in nothing as well. "What the hell is protecting this thing?"

"God, obviously, fool," the Order priestess laughed, smiling sweetly as Fang brought her staff up to bear on the woman. "Kill me if it pleases you. My own fate matters not, only the glory of God. His will shall be done. The world's end is at hand."

"One less lunatic in the world though," Fang said dangerously as she took a step towards the wretched woman.

"Fang, wait," Lightning interrupted, her gaze drawn up to the glass dome far above them. "Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Fang grumbled under her breath as she followed Lightning's scrutiny. It was just the ceiling. Nothing really of note asides from the Chaos trapped in by it. Certainly not anything worth stopping a well earned bit of murder over. Fang was about to turn back to that _woman_ when a crack echoed through the room. _What?_ An entire side of the dome exploded outwards as something crashed through it. No, not some_thing_, someone. Well, this might prove useful. She might not be able to get through the protection on that damn thing, but that didn't mean a l'Cie couldn't. Mentally shrugging to herself, Fang launched her staff at the idiot barreling down on them. "Destroy it!"

Snow plucked her weapon out of the air and bore down on the Holy Clavis, shattering the device with a well placed strike. Power pulsed out in waves from the destruction, pushing them all back, and catching the priestess with an arc of lightning that disintegrated the horrible woman in an instant. An appropriate ending, Fang mused. Saved her the trouble at least. The Chaos storm around them slowed as the veritable divine dust settled. Good, they didn't need anymore surprise monster attacks either.

Brushing himself off, Snow grinned and then tossed the staff back to Fang. "Am I late?"

"Nice entrance, hero," Lightning said flatly, her tone less than impressed, but smiled a moment later, belying her scorn. "Good timing for once."

Snow beamed happily at the unexpected praise. "And here I thought I was going to be five hundred years late on this one."

"Ugh," Vanille moaned painfully as she curled up into a little ball of misery next to Lightning. "What... What happened?"

"Our idiot hero showed up," Fang explained lightly as she kneeled down next to the pair and reached out to brush her fingers across Vanille's forehead. "Took care of the Clavis for us. Don't have to worry about souls getting erased anymore."

"Oh!" Vanille breathed out in surprise, then looked up to give Snow a tired, but utterly grateful smile. "Thank you."

"All part of the job," Snow said carelessly as he patted his chest.

"So what now?" Fang inquired curiously as she helped a shaky Vanille climb to her feet.

"Well," Lightning began as she followed them up, holding on to one of Vanille's elbows to help keep her steady. "We've definitely done enough to piss God off by now. And the world is supposed to end when the bell tolls, so he should be showing up soon enough. When that happens... I guess we fight." She glanced around, gracing all three of them with an unyielding look. The sanctuary wasn't exactly an ideal arena, but it would have to do. And well, they could've done worse. _Had_ done worse in the past.

"But what about the souls?" Vanille pointed out. "We can't fight with them here. We'll just end up hurting them more."

Lightning tapped a finger against her lower lip in thought. That was a concern. And more than that was the danger the Chaos itself posed. They really didn't need extra monsters popping out while they were (hopefully) in the midst of teaching the Supreme Being a well deserved lesson. And if they were still present when he finally descended, then he might still be able to destroy them. Not an ideal situation. But they still had Vanille with them, and Lightning knew damn well that it hadn't been her ability to hear the dead that the Order had needed for their Soulsong. "Hope!" Lightning called out, completely missing the shocked jerk that ripped through Snow at her exclamation, "Do you think Vanille can send the souls up to the ark? They'll be safe up there, right?"

Hope gripped his chin carefully in thought, then nodded slowly in agreement. "She has the ability to direct them. That's why she was necessary for the Soulsong ritual. And yes, they should be safe there. He won't be able to discern them from the others you've collected. It will be a dangerous undertaking though."

"Dangerous, but doable," Lightning stated clearly in mounting determination, turning her full attention on Fang and Vanille as Snow slipped down the stairs behind her. "And if Fang and I help you, the risk should be minimized significantly."

Vanille shared a look with Fang, both nodding together in solid acceptance of the plan. "Yes, I think we can do it. Together."

Snow thundered down the stairs, paying little heed to the ladies left behind him. They were all well equipped to deal with whatever needed doing. As for him, well, that had been a name he hadn't heard in a long while. He hadn't expected to see Noel here either. Or the demon kid. And the person Noel was holding on to definitely looked like Hope, just... not the Hope he'd seen him as last. _What in the hell?_ This was... "Hi there," Snow said weakly as he drew abreast of the pair, Lumina standing off to the side. "This is..." He couldn't quite finish the question as he held his hand out, as if he were gauging the kid's very old and unexpected height. Hope wasn't exactly something he'd ever thought he'd feel again on this particular subject, much less see again. But... Was that really him?

Noel squeezed Hope's shoulder in comfort as the boy - who really shouldn't be one - backed up against him. No idea where Hope's caution and reluctance was coming from. It worried him. Hope had never been like this before. So why was he acting this way now? Noel smiled in understanding at Snow's tentative, but hopeful confusion and nodded. "It's really him." He could think about all of that later. He'd known that Hope's disappearance so long ago had affected Snow pretty badly as well, he just... hadn't cared at the time. His own pain and desperation had overridden everything else. He could be the better person now though. Just a bit.

Snow practically beamed as he pulled a reluctant Hope away from Noel and hugged him for all he was worth. "I know you're like my little brother, kid, but this is taking it a bit far. I mean, come on, you were already short to begin with. You didn't have to shrink on us."

"He wasn't _that_ short," Noel groused as he put his hands on his hips.

"Not to you," Snow shot back as he gave the hunter a maniacal grin. Noel had to already be antsy at needing to get his hands back on the kid, but he was just going to have wait his turn. Snow was Hope's big bro first, Noel came in at a distant second. Kind of. Sort of. Well, okay, not exactly. But it wasn't as if he could do anything with him like this anyway. _Horny brat_.

"Cute," Lumina muttered to herself. And it was. They'd always been a cute family. Sickeningly so. But they'd have to cut it short soon. She glanced up at the other three as they prepared themselves for the next stage of Vanille's work. That was not going to be pleasant. Lumina looked back down at the boys and cringed at the suspicious stare she was getting from the idiot. Nope nope nope, they were _not_ going there. _Hell no_. "Don't even think about it, moron," she said emphatically as she waved her finger fiercely in the air, "I'm not like him at all. I look like Serah because Lightning sucks. He got knocked down in age because God's an asshole. There is absolutely no correlation."

Snow snorted goodnaturedly. "Didn't think so. You're way too much of a brat to be Serah."

Lumina smirked. "Glad you noticed." Then she took in a sharp breath, her chest seizing up. Damn, Vanille had already started. This was really going to hurt. Lumina dropped to her knees as pain spiked within, then curled up on herself. She could feel their concern at her collapse, but couldn't tell if they'd said anything. All she could hear was a roaring in her ears. Didn't matter anyway. "Take care of him," she demanded roughly as she pressed her forehead against the floor. "We both bear untethered souls, keeping ahold of them is going to hurt like a bitch while Vanille's doing all that crap."

Noel pulled Hope's quaking form out of Snow's grasp, gathering him up in his lap as he plopped down gracelessly on the floor. Untethered souls? That sounded three shades of a nightmare to him. _His_ nightmare. An untethered soul meant one that was going to be lost, and to his tribe that meant death soon followed. But there was no Etro left to claim him, Hope had to stay with him. He _had_ to. "Stay with me," Noel murmured desperately as he tucked Hope's head under his chin. "Stay with me." Only the sound of ragged breathing emerged from Hope in response. The trembling intensifying as he leaned into Noel, fisting one hand in the hunter's shirt.

Snow reached over, running his fingers over the back of Hope's neck as he shared a hopeless look with Noel. Working with souls... Well, that wasn't something even a l'Cie would easily be able to fathom. They just had to hold on until it was over. Gritting his teeth, Snow gave Hope an encouraging pat on the back and then moved over to check on Lumina. She was most assuredly a brat, but she damn well didn't deserve to hurt as much as it had sounded like she was. She didn't even flinch as he gingerly rest his hand atop her back. Her trembling felt just as intense as Hope's had been. Soul pain must really be pretty damn bad then.

Lumina could feel tears gathering at the corner of her eyes, but refused to shed them. It was only pain. The real trouble was having to hold on to everything. There was just too much in her anymore. One soul, one self, and so many tiny, broken shards of a dead but hardly departed Goddess. Everything was needed for what lay ahead. _Everything_. Nothing could be lost. It all had to stay. And then suddenly, the pressure relented, and she could breathe again. Lumina sighed wearily against the floor, then carefully rolled over to gaze upwards at emptiness. The Chaos was all gone now, cleared away along with all the souls it housed. Up to safety in the ark God had stolen from humanity. Good. That was good. One less thing to worry about. She smiled weakly as Snow leaned over her, a look of concern plastered on his face. "With the Clavis, it had been a passive pull, easy enough for us to not even notice," she explained, even though she knew the thought wouldn't even have occurred to him. Snow hadn't been present before. But, it made her feel better to put it into words, so whatever. His understanding didn't really matter in the long run. "But with her full will to keep everyone safe behind it, the pull became that much stronger. Just a little too hard to ignore at that point."

"Lumina!"

At Noel's frantic call, Lumina tilted her head back, then instantly rolled back over and scrambled to her feet at what she saw. Hope was glowing. "No no no." Too soon. She dropped to her knees beside them, almost skidding on the floor in her haste. The bell hadn't tolled yet. Lumina reached through the light wafting off of him and didn't like what she found. Not at all. He should've been fine for a little while longer. But he already felt less solid, less real. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Not yet.

"What's going on?" Lightning demanded harshly as she covered the distance in quick strides. She'd been caught by Noel's cry as well, and did not like what she saw. Not in the least. The light... it was just like it had been in that other place, the soul space, heart talk, whatever the hell it was. He'd just been a soul there, indistinct and fading, and he didn't look much different from that right now. _Damnit_.

Lumina bit her lip and looked up bleakly at Lightning. "It's God," she shook her head as she turned her attention back to Hope, "He's waking up."

That explained absolutely nothing. Lightning scowled darkly. If that kid was just being glib again, then she had another thing coming. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"God woke you up to be his little Savior and then he went back to sleep to wait for the end of the world to come," Lumina explained further, then barked out a short caustic laugh. "Where the hell do you think he's been this entire time?"

"What?" Lightning breathed out in disbelief at the insinuation. That wasn't- Couldn't be- Could it?

Lumina sighed heavily. "God wants what humans possess, the ability to exist with Chaos, to _use_ it and not suffer irreparable damage from it. What better way to achieve that goal than to take one of us for his own. Having Hope watch over you while you were being a good little servant was just an added perk. He didn't really have to do anything for that." Lumina shrugged sadly and ran her hand down Hope's arm soothingly. His eyes were closed (had been closed this entire time), and he hadn't reacted to anything they'd said, but she knew he was still there. Barely. He just didn't have the energy for anything else.

"What can we do?" Lightning asked forcefully through the catch in her throat as she knelt down beside them. The light was harsh now, almost too bright to look directly at.

"Nothing," Lumina answered dismally. "As God wakes, the light burns through its host. Soon, there won't be anything left. And there's nothing any of us can do to stop it." She looked around at all of them, Noel who hadn't taken his eyes off of Hope. Snow, who looked much too close to breaking. Lightning, who was probably finding some way to blame herself for this. And Vanille and Fang, who had come up behind them. Vanille stared down in disbelief, while Fang bore a look of sad resignation. "If anything could have been done, I would've already done it. But... he's been living on borrowed time for a really long time now." Almost all of them were here now. That would be enough, right?

"He's dying," Lumina said flatly as she stood up, then pushed Lightning over into the spot she'd been occupying. Death was inevitable. Always had been. Always would be. She yanked Snow over next to Lightning, pushing them together so there would still be space left over. Why did Snow have to be so damn big? Vanille was yanked over and pushed down right alongside Snow, and then Fang followed suit without much prodding. Well, Fang had always been a smart lady. Lumina eyed them critically. All their little ducks, all in a row. Well, almost, still missing one, but it would have to do. "Pity Sazh isn't here," she muttered sourly as she dropped back down beside Lightning.

"He's in Yusnaan," Snow added regretfully, his eyes never leaving Hope or Noel. One of them would live through this, just like before. But living was a lot different from surviving. He really didn't think they'd make it through this time. Not again. "He wanted to come with, but I figured there'd be fighting and that's no place for Dajh. And there was no way we were going to leave him alone there either."

"It's fine," Lumina said absently as she leaned over, brushing her knuckles gently over Hope's cheek as she breathed softly against his ear. "Hey, come on now, it's time to open your eyes. You'll like what you see. I promise."

There was nothing for a long, drawn out moment, then Hope shifted slightly against Noel and blinked wearily.

"That's right, just like that," Lumina murmured encouragingly as she sat back on her heels. "Now I know it's going to be hard, but you need to look around. Come on, they're all here. Mostly. Just like you always wanted, right?"

Hope did as instructed, huffing out a quiet chuckle at her misplaced enthusiasm. She was right though. They were here. They looked terrible, and he was about to hurt them all over again, but it really was good to see them like this one more time. "You do get to the heart of the matter, don't you?" Hope asked weakly as he let his head fall back against Noel. It felt good to be held like this again, even if the sensations of touch were rapidly departing him. He wished he could tell them, warn them of what was coming, but he just didn't have the strength for it. He'd just have to trust in Lumina to see them through it. She wasn't exactly trustworthy, but he had a feeling that she'd do the right thing.

The... right thing.

This really wasn't it. He was being selfish again. Noel had been happy to see him again. More than happy probably. Lumina had said he still felt the same way in spite of earlier events. Whether that was true or not, Hope wasn't sure, and it didn't really matter. Regardless of the state his feelings were in, this was going to rip his heart out again. That, Hope did regret. He'd never wanted to hurt anyone, most especially not Noel. But he'd done it anyway. It had still been worth it to see him again though. It had been so long. Too long. He'd missed him so bad.

"Sorry," Hope said softly, the word barely above a whisper, as he looked up into glassy blue eyes. The pain was there. Too much to fathom. And there was nothing he could do about it now. He'd have to leave it to the others. Snow, at least, he could trust in to know what to do. He would _know_. "I'm so sorry to do this to you, but I just wanted to see you again. Everybody... again." Hope breathed out and closed his eyes as the light intensified. Nothing left now. Nothing at all.

Noel let out a short, pained gasp as Hope dissolved in his arms. His hands grasped at empty air where once had been the most important person in his life. He wasn't- He couldn't- His thoughts skittered away from the reality he was now faced with. Hope had been right there. _Right there_. Noel shivered as hands pulled him into an unfamiliar embrace, but he didn't resist. Didn't have it in him to resist. _Snow_, what was left of his mind supplied. Everything else was just... nothing.

Lumina bodily pulled a numb Lightning away from the others. What she had to say next would not be welcome, but someone had to be told and Lightning was her best bet at actually listening. "God can remake the body, and he will. That's been one of his gambits this entire time," she hissed in Lightning's ear, "And that's what he does really. He destroys and then he remakes. Everything. Forever. But he can't see souls, and thus can't control them. So there's no telling how it'll turn out. Do you understand?"

Lightning stared at her and shook her head in the negative. "No."

Probably still too shell shocked, Lumina guessed. "You will." She'd understand soon enough. Time was swiftly running out for them. Just moments left for blissful ignorance, and then... Then they'd understand far too well the atrocities of God.

"I..." Vanille rose shakily to her feet and swallowed a sob. She was the one who was supposed to die today, no one else. Not someone she knew. Certainly not a member of her family. Why did it always have to turn out so very wrong? But Hope was... dead. And there was nothing she could do about it. She stumbled a few steps away from the others and then stopped. Wait. He was _dead_. She _could_ do something. "Hope?" she called out hesitantly into the silence that surrounded them. "You know I can hear you if you're there. Please talk to me," the last was mumbled under her breath.

The silence lengthened. No answer came. Only the beating of her heart and the sense of Fang coming up behind her. Fang, who had always been there for her. _Always_. Who always supported her. _Always_. But who couldn't help her, not in this. She was the only one who could hear the dead. And she heard nothing. "He's not there," Vanille stated mournfully as she turned around, her gaze dropping down to the floor. "He should be, but he's not."

"Vanille," Fang said sadly as she rubbed her partner's shoulder in shared comfort. "It'll be all right."

Vanille started to shake her head, then abruptly stopped. It wouldn't be okay. It _wouldn't_. Nothing would be okay again, but that didn't mean she couldn't make it better. It didn't mean she couldn't make sure he was safe. She could definitely do that much. "I'll sing again," Vanille offered hopefully as she looked back up at Fang and nodded, "That way I can make sure he's safe. I'll...I'll send him up with all the others. They were so happy to be free of this place, I'm sure they'll take good care of him." She smiled brilliantly at her new plan before whirling around and heading over to the steps leading up to the altar. She could do this much.

Fang let out an almost grunt of surprise and shook her head. Trust in Vanille to turn something utterly terrible into something that was still pretty horrible, but perhaps kind of hopeful. They could all use something right about now. Though, Fang glanced back at the two men left in their midst, something told her that nothing would make it better for those two. There was a story there, one she didn't know a thing about, but Fang had always been fairly good at reading between the lines. It was a skill that had helped her stay alive through all this shit. And,,, Ah hell, she'd kept Vanille alive this whole time, she could come up with a way to make those two survive right along with the rest of them. Hope would want it that way, right? It'd be her way of honoring the dead.

Vanille sniffled as she took the steps two at a time. This would work. She would make it work. He would be safe and okay and- Vanille stopped short as something glimmered right in front of her face. What? She frowned as she reached up, her fingers passing straight through whatever it was. It looked like... a tiny crystal. "Little lights," she muttered as she looked around. They were everywhere. This was... She'd seen this before. Long, long ago. Back on... Cocoon. Back at the end.

The bell tolled.

Vanille flinched as a wall of golden light blossomed behind the altar. When the bell rang... the world would end. And God would wake. This was it. This was- Vanille blinked hard against the light. She'd heard a footstep. She was sure of it. But everyone was down below and none of the Order were left. Who? Vanille looked up, shading her eyes from the light. There was definitely someone there. That was- Vanille froze.

He bent down, picking something up off of the floor, something that gleamed the same shade of gold as everything else now. A broken something. One of the remnants of the Holy Clavis most likely. And then he looked at her. Green eyes. Too bright.

"Hope?" But she knew that wasn't right.

"_Why have you defied me?_" The voice was metallic. Alien and wrong. So very much not Hope, no matter what he looked like.

No, this wasn't Hope at all. This was God.


	13. Feeling It Out

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**Feeling It Out**  
_**by Meimi**_

Chapter Summary: Hope is kind of dumb about a few things, but Noel doesn't really mind all that much. (Set a short while after Good Morning.)

* * *

Noel knocked politely on the door before letting himself in to Hope's place. He hadn't moved in _yet_, but with all the time he was spending over it would become a thing he'd have to bring up pretty soon. His place was barely big enough for one person, so moving Hope in with him would be less than ideal. Not that Hope really owned a lot of stuff (he took minimal to a whole new level), but everyone, no matter how weird they were, needed space to move around in. His place would not afford that for the two of them. Ever. So that left Hope's domicile, which was full of ridiculous empty space thanks to all of the normal crap that he just didn't seem to have accumulated. It was kind of freaky really. And frankly, after all the time he'd spent observing Hope (and even before he'd decided he'd like to get in his pants), Noel had pretty much guessed that Hope used it more as a place to sleep rather than a place to live in.

They were going to have to work on that. He didn't really mind the whole Director deal, even though the Academia people sure did really, really love their Director. But well, Noel hadn't exactly pursued Hope just for the sex. Which granted, most people wouldn't have faulted him on that if he had. Hope was really nice to look at. And _damn_ if the sex hadn't turned out to be better than he'd originally thought it would be. In that particular case, the joke was on him, and yes, he had ended up eating some crow over it. Lack of experience _really_ wasn't that big of a problem when faced with equal enthusiasm and a mind that was really good at coming up with new ideas. So yeah, the physical side of their relationship was sailing quite smoothly. It was just everything else that could use a little more effort. And yeah, moving in would probably help with that. Maybe they should have that talk sooner rather than later.

"So hey," Noel called out, "Are you here?" Hope _was_ supposed to be off today, but the kitchen was suspiciously clear of any signs of breakfast makings.

"In the back!"

Oh good, he wouldn't have to go kidnap Hope from his proverbial office after all. Really good actually, because his damn office for the day could be just about anywhere. Didn't matter, where ever it was, if there was a problem, Hope would damn well go there to fix it. Back during his observation period, Noel had ended up seeing places in this artificial world that he was pretty sure he would likely never see again. All because Hope had to fix stuff himself. He had people for that, damnit. Didn't have to do everything himself.

Noel couldn't help but raise an eyebrow as he walked into the bedroom. Well, that was a tasty sight. The bed had yet to be made, and Noel was starting to suspect the first night he'd stayed over had been a fluke in that regard. On one side sat Hope, barefoot with his legs lazily crossed. Thankfully, he was wearing some black slacks and the shirt he had probably worn the day before. His hair was still tousled from sleep, and really, the clothes were only a slight distraction from temptation. A not quite put together Hope was really, really hot. The tablet he had in his lap, on the other hand, was not.

"Are you working?" Noel asked with more than a little disbelief.

Hope had the presence of mind to look contrite about it before he shrugged, "What else am I going to do?"

Noel flopped down on the bed in front of Hope and gave him his best 'are you for real' look. "Most people have these weird, fun things they fall back on whenever they get some free time. I think they're called hobbies."

Hope provided Noel with a sarcastic smirk in return, then shook his head. "Never had time for it."

"So I've noticed," Noel said blandly as he plucked the tablet out of Hope's lap and set it off to the side. With that annoyance easily dealt with (for the time being), Noel plastered on a happy expression and leaned over to give Hope a peck on the lips. "Good morning."

Hope's smirk melted into a much softer smile at the greeting. "Morning."

"Have you had breakfast yet?" He had to ask, but Noel was pretty sure he already knew the answer to this particular question.

"Uhm," Hope hummed guiltily at he glanced over at the coffee mug sitting on the side table.

"Coffee isn't food," Noel pointed out.

"I'm aware of that," Hope chuckled self-consciously before attempting to clarify. "I always have people bringing me stuff so I never really think about it."

"Well, that at least explains why you haven't keeled over from starvation," Noel muttered acidly, then sighed wearily and swept the beginnings of irritation out of his head. It wasn't really that big of a deal. And certainly not one that couldn't swiftly be remedied. "Okay then, I'll go cook us up some breakfast. I know you've got stuff since I stocked your fridge a few days ago. After that, we can figure out what we're going to do for today."

"About that," Hope began, an anxious frown twisting at his lips as he grabbed ahold of Noel's sleeve, stopping him from getting up. "You weren't planning on... ah, going out, were you?"

"Maybe." Noel looked back at him curiously. Hope sure didn't look all that happy at the prospect. What was wrong with going out? "Is there a problem with that?"

Hope's gaze skittered off to the side as he drummed his fingers together nervously. "It's just, if we go outside there will be people. I just... I always have to be the Director when I'm around other people. And well, I'd really rather not have to do that when I'm with you... if that's all right with you?"

Noel just blinked. That was- No, wait. It did actually make sense. _Every_one seemed to know what Hope looked like, so there really was no feasible escape for him from that very public image. A rather sad state of affairs, now that Noel actually thought about it. On the other hand, the fact that Hope would rather not have to utilize that persona around him was pretty damn nice. Still sad though. "They really don't give you much time to yourself, do they?" Noel huffed out as he dragged Hope into his lap and wrapped his arms around him. The Director was nice and all, but he much preferred this distracted idiot who didn't know how to feed himself much less function like a normal adult.

"It's not really as bad as it sounds," Hope said quickly in hopes of allaying any possible concerns, though he did lean into the embrace. "It's just, there's always something. The Director is their hero, the one person who's supposed to make everything better. Somehow. And unfortunately, that happens to be me. I don't really want to disappoint them, but at the same time, the expectations are a bit ridiculous."

Noel grunted in dissatisfaction. "Don't see why they had to change so much. The people back in four-hundred mostly treated you like a normal person."

Hope snorted in remembered disgust. "Not really. It was nice while it lasted, sure, but that all changed after the assassination crap."

_What?_ Noel's mind ground to a halt. Did he... hear that right? "What?"

Hope squirmed around in his arms until he could look up at Noel properly and eyed him curiously. "What do you mean 'What'? It was all over-" He halted in mid-sentence, his eyes widening in understanding. "Oh! That's right, you guys had already left by then."

"Assassination crap?" Noel prompted. What the hell had he missed?

"Well," Hope chuckled weakly, "Some people didn't like me very much back then."

"Someone tried to kill you?" Noel asked in utter disbelief. How the hell was that even possible? _Why_ in the hell was that even possible?

"It was all right," Hope said soothingly as he reached around and rubbed at the tension he felt building in Noel's back. "Snow was there. I was perfectly fine."

Snow was there? When the hell did he show up? He hadn't been there before. And more to the point, "You didn't get hurt did you?" He'd better not have.

"Not really."

_Not really?_ Oh hell. "What is not really?"

"Well I did get shot once, but it was just a graze. Snow healed it up fine and we all know how terrible Snow is at healing, so it couldn't have been bad to begin with," Hope explained quickly, his words almost running into each other as he tried to defuse Noel's obvious unease.

"Right, of course," Noel said flatly as he hugged Hope tighter against himself. Time travel... sucked. He could've lost a friend and he wouldn't have known a damn thing about it. And when he would've finally found out about it, there wouldn't have been any time left to fucking fix it. Shit, now he seriously owed Snow over something. Wow, that was going to be awkward. Awkward, but still very important, _this_ was something he _never_ wanted to ever think about not having. "That's a real mood killer right there," Noel offered casually. It had all turned out okay. He could go break stuff later.

Hope almost laughed in relief at his change of tone. "Sorry about that, but that's pretty much where it all started changing. I couldn't go anywhere alone anymore, and whenever I did show my face in public, they were always just so very happy to see me still in one piece. It never changed." He shrugged then. "And I guess that sense of relief just eventually morphed into the ridiculous hero worship of today. I did sleep for another century there, remember? Under very heavy guard."

"Well, that's all... fucking terrible. Let's talk about something else." Noel grimaced, then gave himself a little shake. He was far too tense and Hope had definitely caught on to it. So, time for a different approach. "Actually," he started over, "about today. Why don't I," he bent down and placed a kiss on Hope's forehead, "go fix us some breakfast. And after that," another kiss was placed down almost at the corner of his eye, "let's mess up your bed some more." Yet another kiss along Hope's cheekbone. "And after that, we'll take a shower. Then I will go through all your shit," a peck on the nose, "And find something to dress you in so you don't look like yourself. Then we will go out," a slight rearrangement for a better angle, and then Noel kissed along the side of his lips, "to my place, where I will fix us lunch. Then I will introduce you to my bed," a direct press then, "whom I've been regaling about how nice you feel," Hope pulled him down for the next kiss. _Equal enthusiasm_ was the best thing ever. "And then we'll discuss how we're going to move all of my shit over here." Hope blinked up at him at the unexpected addition. "If that's okay with you?" Noel almost held his breath at the end. It was the most logical course of action for the continuation of their relationship, so he was pretty sure Hope would have at least thought about it. But thinking about something wasn't exactly the same as actually doing it.

Hope stared up at him for several seconds, then the most beautiful smile crossed his face before he swooped up and gave Noel a kiss so deep that it actually did leave him breathless. That... was a yes, right? "I'd really like that," Hope murmured against his lips. Noel barely caught it before Hope did things with his tongue that showed just how much of a quick learner he really was. That was a yes though. Definitely a yes. Well, okay, more than a yes, but Noel wasn't one to argue with positive results.

Yes was good. Kissing was also good. They should probably stop soon though. Hope still needed to get some food in him. _And other things_. They still had all day. Right? Noel just needed to learn how to say no. Sometime. Eventually. Maybe.


	14. Cracked Masks

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**Cracked Masks**  
_**by Meimi**_

Chapter Summary: Next part of the ending rewrite~

* * *

Time slowed to a crawl. Snow wasn't sure why, but he supposed it had something to do with his brand pulsing erratically in response to that metallic sounding voice. Stood to reason, this was the god of everything right? Big G God, the _Maker_ who had created their entire world and all life within it. Including Pulse, from whom his brand was purportedly granted strength. Or something of the sort. He'd never really quite understood the particulars. Even the saner fal'Cie never really made much sense. But this was supposedly _the_ God of gods. Didn't make him any less of a fucking bastard though.

Snow had gotten used to feeling helpless. Not much else he could do. A thousand years worth of failure after failure _after failure_ could do that to a person. Even on those few occasions when he'd actually managed to save somebody, he always ended up losing someone else in the process. Vanille and Fang crystallized. Lightning gone. Sazh and Dajh gone. Serah dead. Hope gone. Hope _dead_ now. And there hadn't been a damn thing he could do about any of it. And now... Noel dead soon too, probably. The kid hadn't held up well over the years after Hope's disappearance... _kidnapping_. Not at all. And who could blame him? There had been nothing, no explanation, no clue, absolutely nothing. And then with today's shit? It had just driven the knife in even further. Only a matter of time. Snow could understand that far, far too well. It had been a little too easy to give in to the Chaos, to let it suck out the power in his brand bit by bit. So very easy to go Cie'th. Didn't really have anything left to live for now anyway. The world was probably better off without him. But Lightning had been right about one thing, giving up beforehand was stupid. There was still a God that damn well deserved to get the shit kicked out of him.

Snow absently patted Noel on the shoulder as his brand pulsed one last time and then quieted, time speeding back up to its normal pace. Final battle time, huh? Well, he wasn't exactly a hero (never had been really), but Snow was damn well ready and willing to pound out some rage fueled violence onto something that had more than earned it. Just had to- Snow looked up at the altar, hoping to gauge where the best place to start would be and froze at what he saw. "What the hell?" he muttered in complete shock. _Couldn't be_. That wasn't- Wait. _No_. It couldn't possibly be... What exactly had Lumina said? She'd called Hope a "host" to the light, hadn't she? So that would make God the fucking parasite that killed him, right? _What in the fuck?_ That couldn't be him still. It _couldn't_ be.

Noel jerked out of Snow's grasp and staggered to his feet. _Shit_, the kid must have seen it too. Damnit, he didn't need to have to deal with this on top of everything else, none of them did really. This was just so fucking far beyond being okay. _Fuck_ God. Snow grabbed at Noel's arm, locking his fingers around the wrist and preventing him from moving away. "It's not him," Snow said roughly, "It can't be." He wouldn't plead with him over this. Pleading had _never_ worked when dealing with the extreme form Noel's grief took. Inconsolable didn't even come close to describing it. Dangerously desperate, on the other hand, fit a lot better.

When Noel looked back down at him, Snow felt the last vestiges of something inside of him shrivel up and die. He'd always been foolish. _Too foolish_. After Hope's vanishing act, he'd held onto a sense of hope (small though it had been) that he could help Noel get through it. But that had never panned out. Too stubborn. Too much gone. They shared a lot of similarities, for sure, but they were still two different people. Noel had lost too much and Snow had been... Well, he'd been selfish about it the entire time. It had been much easier to focus on what Noel had to be going through rather than face up to his own feelings on the matter. He'd never gotten over Serah. Not even after five hundred years without her. And he sure as hell hadn't gotten over Hope either. So there was the truth of it, he'd never been able to face the losses, much less accept them. Coward to the bitter end, right?

"You think I don't know that?" Noel asked in return, his tone bleak and hollow and terrible. Not even caring about an answer, he turned his attention back to the altar and what now inhabited it. "But I have to be sure. I _have_ to." Wrenching himself free of Snow's hold, Noel reached back resolutely and drew his swords. "And either way, I'll be the one to end it."

Hope... The thing inside of him, God, or whatever the hell it was, snapped its attention to them, observing them with eyes that glowed even in the golden radiance that suffused the entire room. It cocked Hope's head at them, then held out his hand, palm down. "_Learn your place, arrogant creatures_." A massive weight pressed down on them, forcing them all to their knees and further. Snow grit his teeth in a soundless growl as he strained against the power pushing him down, but to no avail. It only stopped when his forehead was pressed firmly against the floor. "_You are in the presence of your God, abase yourselves in my splendor and repent for the sins you have committed against me_."

Vanille bit her bottom lip, holding in a whimper as she lay there, flat against the floor, the top step digging uncomfortably into her stomach. So this was the "loving" God the Order had worshipped so fervently. How... expected, really. So stupid of her. The writing had been on the wall, plain as day. She just hadn't been brave enough to look for it. No, instead she had been willfully blind to the truth, allowing her own overbearing sense of guilt to hold sway over everything else. Oh, Vanille had heard whisperings every now and then about the Order's past misdeeds. She wasn't _that_ oblivious, but she just hadn't thought much of it at the time. Couldn't place much stock in rumors, and the people she had met in the Order had, in all appearance, been _good_ people. Surely, it had all just been rumors, or at worst, past mistakes that they had learned from and improved themselves with. And maybe most of the members _had_ been good people, but not all of them. As for God, well, so far he was leaving a very, very bad impression. How could he _do_ that to _Hope_ of all people? Why would anyone do that?

Vanille couldn't help a surprised gasp as the pressure let up suddenly. What was going on now? "_Rise. I am not angry with you_." Vanille shivered as she sat up, carefully pulling her lower body up onto the top platform. She was going to have a terrible bruise on her stomach tomorrow, assuming there would be a tomorrow. End of the world, right? When he turned his back on her, Vanille chanced a glance down at the others and frowned worriedly at what she saw. They were all still prostrate on the floor. She was the only one free. What... what did he want with just her?

"_I realize now that the task I set before you was too much for you to bear alone_." Hope- No, _God_ held his hand up again, this time with the palm facing upwards, the broken piece of the Holy Clavis hovering and spinning lazily above it. "_Your kind are so fragile. You break so easily_." Vanille shivered again at the unstated, but obvious implications of that statement. Hope had been missing a really long time, hadn't he? Something told her that even a short while was entirely too long when it came to God. "_And with death constantly nipping at your heels, it is no wonder that you would waver in the face of uncertainty_." The floor was awash in shimmering gold as little lights came to life upon it. No, not just the floor, they were everywhere, even on her. What was- The lights seemed to detach from her, from everything, and then just floated there in the air. They'd been on her, but they hadn't hurt at all. What were they? It wasn't like before with the crystal lights, this was something else entirely. And then they started streaming in towards Ho- _God_, or to be more precise, the shattered piece he held aloft. They joined with it somehow and then she knew exactly what they were: blasted pieces of the Holy Clavis, too small to see, but they still existed nonetheless. He was remaking the cursed thing. "_No, I can find little fault with your hesitation and doubts. Such things were to be expected from Etro's children. After all, she did not even create you with her own hand. She was far too weak for that. No, you had to spring from her blood under your own power. Such a birth was bound to leave you limited_."

The Clavis... It was almost complete now, soon it would be as if it had never been destroyed. There was only one reason he would remake it. He was going to make her finish the ritual! She'd still end up erasing all of those people. That was- No! She refused. She wouldn't do it. Not for anyone and certainly not for the Order's wretched God. There was nothing kind or loving here. Vanille tried to get up, anything to escape from this new hell she found herself within, but her legs refused to do anything but just lay there. Why was- Oh, so he hadn't really released her from his hold, had he? He'd just altered the way he wished for her to bow under his will. This was... Vanille warily looked back up at him and found him watching her with those blazing eyes. This was truly hopeless. He'd stolen it from them right along with its namesake. She wouldn't sing. She refused. But somehow, she seriously doubted that her wishes, her own will, would matter much in the end.

It was all over.

"_You have nothing to fear from me_." Vanille flinched both from his words and the restored Holy Clavis he left gleaming in the air. Fear, she had everything fear from him. He was going to make her into a monster and there was nothing she could do about it. "_Since I am present now, you need not fear death_." He walked towards her with steady, measured steps, and she understood what her doom looked like. A heartless God bearing the face of a friend. True cruelty. "_You will sing. You will call them back. Call back all of those tainted souls you sent up to my ark. Call them all back and cleanse them in my light of absolution_." He stood before her, his gaze heavy and demanding. "_Do this of your own free will and I shall see to it that you live and prosper in my new world. Such is the reward for my most loyal servants_."

Vanille bowed her head under the weight of what he was offering to her. She'd still be a monster. The worst kind. Profiting off the complete destruction of countless souls. But then again, she wouldn't remember any of it, would she? She'd just know that she'd done something for God and that would probably be it. She wouldn't remember any of the people she had killed. The people she erased. That way... that way she at least wouldn't be abandoning Fang. So that was good, right? But no, no it really wasn't. She'd still be consigning the innocent to a fate that no one deserved, whether she remembered it or not. She couldn't do that, not even for Fang. It was wrong on so many levels. How could she _even_ be thinking about it? She couldn't do that. She _wouldn't_ do that, not for anyone. And most especially not for herself.

"_Know that if you defy me again in this, that I can force you to carry out my will_." He continued to stare down at her, his expression impassable. "_The outcome, however, will be far different. You will die an agonizing death and only then will you be forgotten_." Vanille closed her eyes, and strangely felt relief at his bald threat. God truly wasn't much different from the fal'Cie then. Much like them, he could force her to do what he wanted, but he couldn't really change her. She'd still be Vanille in the end. And that way, she wouldn't become a monster. Even with a torturous death now looming in her near future, Vanille strangely wasn't scared anymore. She'd die and become nothing right along with all of the others, but she'd still be herself. That wasn't so bad.

'...don't...'

Vanille blinked at the sound. A little tiny voice echoing in her mind. That was-

'...sorry...'

Vanille stared up at God. This wasn't the alien one, the metal voice that didn't belong. It sounded like the one that should fit.

'...I... can't...'

The voice of the dead. Her _gift_. To be able to hear them, no matter what. To always hear them. But if he was still in there somehow, could he really even be dead? "Hope?" Vanille mouthed silently. Was his soul trapped in there, prisoner to a god who couldn't even see him?

* * *

Lumina frowned in discontent, and pointedly ignored the proceedings going on above them. None of her pieces wanted anything to do with Bhunivelze. And really, there wasn't much she could do at this point. Not directly. Even when she'd still been among the living, Etro had been distinctly limited. God had left her powerless on purpose. Too afraid of what he'd created, too afraid that she'd somehow hold power over him like Mwynn had. His mother, whom he'd also killed out of fear. Bhunivelze was rather pathetic really. He put on airs. _Boy_, did he put on airs. But in the end, he couldn't create something from nothing. Not like Mwynn had. He hadn't created the world, not really. He'd just stolen it like the little shitty brat he was at heart, assuming he had one. Lumina kinda doubted that though. Only something utterly heartless could do that to Hope and Vanille.

But no, not much she could do. Not this her anyway. Lumina turned her attention back to Lightning and shook her head in disappointment. God's power should have passed over Lightning just as easily as it had her. He had no real control over either of them, though it was for vastly different reasons. But nope, there she was, flat on the floor, like an idiot. This just wouldn't do.

"Are you just going to lay there and let all this shit happen?" Lumina grumbled sourly as she plopped down beside her real, but lesser, self. "Because I hate to break it to you, but it's really not looking good right about now."

"What exactly do you expect me to do?" Lightning ground out, not even daring to look at the brat. As it was, it was hard enough to swallow her rage at being completely _useless_ without adding the constant irritation of Lumina on top of everything else. Not to mention that the hypocrisy of the kid's statement was just completely beyond anything she was capable of seriously contemplating at the moment. _She_ was there, walking around, while everyone else was pressed up against the floor, unable to move. Unable to _do_ anything. So was she doing anything to help? _No_. She wasn't trying to stop it. She wasn't trying to attack... "God". She was just tormenting Lightning again. A demon for sure then. Because she sure as hell couldn't be human after that.

"Get up," Lumina commanded flatly.

Lightning snorted in derision. If only it were so simple. "I hate to break it to you as well, but you're the only one who's able to move around right now."

"Wrong," Lumina singsonged as she prodded Lightning with her foot. "Dead wrong, really. To be his good little Savior, God actually had to give you a lot of power. And since that power is in you now, he can't exactly control it. So... why don't you try using it for once?"

Lightning blinked at that. That... made... sense, actually. When she had woken up, she'd _known_ that she had been different from how she'd been before. Stronger, definitely. Magic was so much easier to cast now as well. Everything but healing magic, anyway. And then there was the actual process of being the Savior, there was no way she would've been able to do that if she hadn't been... altered. The power of God then? Could it really be that easy? _Simple_. She'd convinced Hope to hang on by will alone; and yet, in the end, it had all been for nothing. She'd forced him to suffer longer than he should have, just because she didn't want to lose him. What he had gone through... it was entirely her fault. She should've realized it sooner, should've guessed something. But no, even now, she still thought too small. Maybe that was the real problem. Maybe Lumina had been right all along. She really was stupid.

"Come on," Lumina said encouragingly as she prodded at Lightning again with her foot, "Get up off your butt. I know you can do it."

"Fine," Lightning agreed wearily. She was not looking forward to what she was about to attempt. But, well, no pain, no gain, right? She could do this. It would be easy. So incredibly easier than ever having to admit that Lumina had been right about something. Though, now that she thought about it, maybe that had been the entire point all along. Lumina had always cautioned her about God. Always. Hmmph, maybe the kid was her conscience given physical form? It would fit, sadly. You were always your worst critic, right? Lightning steeled herself and then pushed up from the floor. The weight of God's power pressing down against her felt like a veritable mountain. Impossible. Immovable. And yet, she really was moving against it. Well, what the hell, being the Savior really did count for something, after all.

Lumina grinned in triumph as Lightning laboriously levered herself up until she was sitting on the floor, facing her. "See? This is what happens when you listen to me."

Lightning couldn't help but chuckle breathlessly at the obvious dig. It still felt like there was a mountain sitting on her back, but she could move. And she could probably fight. Would fight. Regardless of the outcome. She had to. God would _not_ get away with using all of them like this. He would pay for what he'd done to Hope. He would pay for everything.

"Hold that thought," Lumina said cheerfully as she closed her eyes. "Don't go racing off just yet." Lightning just stared at her in shock when she opened them again. The whites were gone, all black now. Fathomless. Just like... "We need to talk to you about something very important."

"Etro?" Lightning muttered in disbelief. Impossible, but she'd seen those eyes before. Had to be.

"Yes," Lumina smiled at her sadly, but it wasn't really Lumina anymore. "When this one was made, she took the pieces of me that remained into herself. She has kept me alive, in a sense. I am very grateful."

"When she was made?" Lightning asked in confusion. Made, not born? Then... Lumina really was quite different from them.

"Yes, she has a very specific purpose, but it is not my place to speak of it." Etro shook Lumina's head, her smile turning melancholic. "I must apologize for all of this. Had I not been so foolish, none of this would have occurred. You would not have had to suffer so."

"No, don't go there," Lightning said decisively, breaking off any further apologies. "If you hadn't intervened, we would've slept as crystal underneath Cocoon until it collapsed and destroyed us. You gave us another chance, I can't fault you for that." Lightning dropped her gaze to her hands and spread her fingers out. Failed chances all, but failed chances were better than nothing. "It may have all gone to shit, but I..." She looked back up, locking her gaze with the Goddess she had chosen to serve for a time, "I think I understand why Hope actually listened to me. Even when we're doomed, we'll still fight against it together, tooth and nail, to the bitter end. And in that, we're never alone."

Etro nodded her understanding. "And are you prepared to follow through with that bitter end?"

Lightning frowned in confusion. Somehow she didn't think Etro was talking about their imminent demise. "What do you mean?"

Etro reached over and drew Lightning's sword. "This," she explained as she held it up between them, "is an end. It was forged by Bhunivelze for your use. As such, it can harm him. And for the time being, it is the only thing that can. You will have to use it against _him_." Etro looked up at the altar then, erasing any doubt in Lightning's mind about who she was speaking of.

Lightning took the sword back from the Goddess and scowled darkly. "I'm aware that's not Hope."

"It might be." Lightning stared at her again in shock. No. _No_. That was impossible. Hope would never- "But it is too far to tell, and I am too weak. But yes, his soul may yet still be trapped in there, a prisoner to Bhunivelze."

"You're not _sure_?" Lightning asked incredulously, utterly dumbfounded at what she was hearing. "But you still want me to kill him?"

"It is the only mercy you can give him," Etro returned her gaze to Lightning, her expression grim and devoid of any chance for hope. "If you do not, Bhunivelze will force Vanille into performing the Soulsong. She will die in agony and then she will be as nothing. But if he yet remains, then he, out of all of you, will remember what will come to pass. And that will be his eternity. You must kill the shell to free the soul."

"I- No!" Lightning shook her head in vehement opposition. "No, absolutely not. There has to be another way."

Etro sighed, closed her eyes, and climbed to her feet. When she opened them again, it was Lumina who was looking down at her. "I know it's terrible," she said morosely, "But it's what he'd want. Seeing any of you suffer is akin to the pain of death for him, but he would never be allowed to die. He'd just have to live with that torture forever. Unending. That's pretty cruel, don't you think?"

Lightning snapped her jaw shut with an audible click. She... couldn't argue with that. It was the truth, unforgiving in the reality they now faced. The sword she bore had been made by God. It could hurt God. God, who now inhabited the body of their beloved friend, whom he had just killed in his return to the waking world. She'd be consigning Hope to an eternity of misery if she did nothing.

There was no way she could live with that.

* * *

"_I do not understand your unwillingness to do my bidding_." Vanille chewed on her lip in desperation. She could not perform the Soulsong. Not now. Not ever. She had no idea what it would do to Hope if she went through with it - or was forced to go through with it. His soul was in there, but he wasn't in control. He was basically a transient entity in his own body. If she sang... he might get pulled out too. She'd end up destroying a friend right along with her. She could _never_ do that. "_Is not life the greatest gift your kind have been given? Why would you turn away from it? It is not such a hard thing. Accept what I am offering, in deference to my host, if nothing else_." Vanille just stared at him. Did he truly not understand what he was asking of her? Could he not fathom how wrong it was? Was he really that blind? "_I will let your childish defiance slide, so long as you do as I command. Sing. It is your only recourse_."

Vanille shook her head at him. Absolutely not. She would _not_ risk Hope. She refused. "Vanille." She froze at the utterance of her name. That hadn't been God. _Who?_ Vanille glanced behind her and beheld Lightning ascending the stairs, sword in hand. It was just Lightning though, the others were still scattered across the floor, held down by God. But Lightning was good. Surely she could do something to stop this. "It's all right. You don't have fight anymore. Everything will be all right now." Lightning smiled down at Vanille as she stepped up onto the platform, but it was pained and infinitely sad. Why would she look like that? What was she planning to do?

"_My Savior_." God looked... pleased. Twisted and pleased. It was an expression Vanille never, ever wanted to see on Hope's face ever again. "_You may not heed me, but surely you will listen to your companion. She is far wiser than you, after all_."

Lightning nodded, as if in agreement, but Vanille knew better. Lightning wasn't desperate like she was. How could she be? She couldn't hear him like Vanille could. But that look, that smile, had been hopeless. Vanille could recall brief moments back on Cocoon when she'd seen something of the sort in Lightning's demeanor. But it had always passed, and then swiftly returned to the resolute determination of one who would help change their fate. But now... now she looked like someone who was heading into her own execution.

"Of course," Lightning turned that smile to God and bowed her head in feigned subservience. "But before that, I must beg your forgiveness. In my weakness, I allowed myself to get distracted from what is most important."

God waved Hope's hand carelessly in the air, as if brushing away dust. "_It is fine. You are still mostly human. Such lapses are to be expected_."

Lightning's lips thinned into a severe line. "I wasn't talking to you."

Vanille watched as Lightning's fist tightened around the hilt of her sword and then finally understood. "No! Lightning, don't-" But it was already too late.

Lightning felt empty as she drove her blade through Hope's chest. It was God right now, of course, but it was also still Hope. She was still killing Hope. She should feel... something right now. Grief, sorry, despair, hatred, _self_-hatred. Something. But all she felt was an empty nothingness. Was she giving up then? Perhaps so. What else was left to her now? "I'm sorry," she murmured softly as she watched God wrap Hope's hands around the sword sticking out of him. Horror, that's what she should be feeling, not some detached nothing. He deserved far more from her than that. "I'm so sorry."

And then he was looking at her and it wasn't God who was present in those eyes. Hope smiled up at her, then grimaced in pain. "Me too."

Her chest hurt. She couldn't breathe. He really had still been in there. He was going to die again, and it was all because of her.

"_Insolence_." Light flared out from his form, blasting Lightning and Vanille back out against the far wall. "_How dare you_." He staggered, the sword melting in a blaze of light, but the wound remained. God clawed at the blood streaming out of Hope's chest, but seemed unable or unwilling to stop it. "_Too fragile, after all_." The light grew brighter, engulfing the altar and the entire platform. Hope collapsed forward then, the strings finally cut, as the structure below him disintegrated in that flash of light. An enormous hand materialized out of the air, snatching him up in mid-fall. The body it belonged to soon followed, massive in comparison to the room, but vaguely familiar to those who had faced against the fal'Cie of Cocoon. Their Maker indeed.

"_You will pay for this indignity_."


	15. Chaos Walker

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**Chaos Walker**  
_**by Meimi**_

This is set after Hope's disappearance in canon.

Chapter Summary: Noel hasn't lost all hope just yet, but he's getting there.

* * *

Chaos, entropy in its most basic form. But no, it had never been just that. If it had only been entropy, then the world would have ended a long time ago. So perhaps it was better to say that Chaos was a vehicle for change. Extreme change. Yes, that made much better sense to him. Noel watched in muted interest as the Chaos swirled slowly around his outstretched hand. It felt like smoke and sorrow. Heavy too, a bit of a strain to breathe in, but it wasn't actually smoke, so no danger from that front. The sorrow, on the other hand, came with the territory. Too many souls had been lost to the darkness. All that negativity added up after awhile, and the Chaos was a perfect conductor for it. A deadly place to be for the unwary, even the slightest hint of doubt would cause it to react violently. No one was safe in it, not even him. Of course, in Noel's particular case, he didn't actually care about his own safety, so the danger didn't much matter to him all in all. His purpose for walking in the Chaos was far more important than _anything_ else could ever be.

_Still couldn't find him_.

Noel slammed his eyes shut and clenched his hand into a tight fist as the hated memories of recent events crashed over him yet again. Had to find him. _Needed_ to find him. But couldn't find him. He wasn't anywhere. Everywhere was empty. No trace left behind, no clue to follow, no nothing to work with to _find him_. _Nothing!_ Noel could sense the Chaos begin to roil around him in response to his bubbling desperation. There would be monsters to fight soon. Very soon. Stupid of him, really. He knew better than to think about Hope directly, or even indirectly, when he was in the midst of this sea of darkness. Just because Hope was the sole reason Noel was out here doing this, didn't mean it would help at all to let his mind wander onto thoughts about the missing part of his life. This was the only place left to look, but it was dangerous, so very dangerous. He had to be careful. About everything. Thinking wasn't allowed. Thinking was deadly.

No one bothered with the Chaos. Why would they? It was a force of nature that left destruction and misery in its wake. Anyone crazy enough to enter it by their own choice would end up just like the world, completely and utterly broken. Noel supposed that it was probably a good thing he was already broken to begin with. Couldn't hurt him much more than he already had been, now could it? He just had to keep looking, that was all. A growl echoed behind him, distorted by the Chaos that had made it, but very much real. Good. It was so much easier to forget when he was fighting against something. Everything tended to just get swept out of his head when he let his survival instincts take over. His thoughts would be clear again in no time at all after this little conflict.

A dripping maw full of what was no doubt needle sharp fangs snapped at him. Thankfully though, Noel was already ducking out of the way and drawing his swords. The thing was... not something he'd ever seen before. Then again, the deeper into the Chaos you went, the stranger it got. Who knows, maybe it was unique or something? That would be just his luck too, to get attacked by a monster tailored specifically out of his own pain. Wonderful. It was big and a green so dark it almost blended in with the Chaos flowing around them. It had tentacles for legs - lots and lots of tentacles - and there were a ton of eyestalks dotting its gigantic head. And what do you know, they were all watching him intently. He probably looked like a crunchy lunch to it. What a delightful dance partner this was going to be.

It snarled at Noel, shaking several tentacles in his general direction, wiggled around strangely for several seconds, and then finally burped out a noxious looking, thick purplish cloud of _something_ at him. Oh wow, that looked disgusting. And Noel definitely had no intention of finding out just what the hell that crap would do to him. Nope. No no. Absolutely not. Noel veered out wide, staying as far away from the purple stuff as possible without losing sight of the thing that had made it. The cloud was following him though. Slowly, but surely, it was following him. _Shit!_ Okay then, time for a more direct approach.

Noel highly doubted that magic would work well against this thing, and he didn't think he had the time to test out for a weakness anyway. That stuff would probably catch up to him eventually. It was moving pretty slowly, but it was spreading out too. Not good, not good at all. But the monster had a lot of tentacles, and other things that could be severed, and he had two swords. Pretty decent odds, all things considered. Noel darted in and sliced along the line of tentacles sprouting down from the monster's back. It shrieked painfully in response, sharp enough to make his ears hurt, and then shook itself. Green goo splattered everywhere. _Oh no_, that did not look good. Noel sliced at even more tentacles as he felt the globs that landed on him start to burn. Poison. Of course it would be. Noel cast an esuna, but it didn't really help much since that _thing_ kept shaking off more goo. And the cloud was getting closer. Right then, crunch time. Here's hoping the thing wasn't all mouth. Noel grimaced and drove his short sword into the monster's head, all the way to the hilt. Tentacles thrashed against his legs, drenching them in that awful goo, as he pulled the sword back out and then stabbed it right back in. _So_ disgusting. But it seemed to be working, the eyes weren't really watching him anymore, and it looked like the cloud was beginning to dissipate. One monster on its way to being dead. Victory. _Disgusting_ victory.

That was the idea anyway. Too bad nothing ever really worked out so well for him. The beast teetered in the air, its tentacles flexing and flailing about aimlessly, then it collapsed. Backwards. On him. Noel groaned as he was smothered by eyestalks and tentacles, and then instantly regretted it as he got a taste of that goo. _Revolting_. Noel hastily cast another esuna, and then another, and then another, as the thing finally started disintegrating back into the Chaos from which it had sprung. _No more thinking. No more thinking. No more thinking._ He was _never_ doing this again. What a repugnant creature.

Noel froze as he heard what sounded like... clapping. What the hell? He rolled over and quickly shot to his feet. Was there someone else out here? Oh ugh, there was still goo on his clothes. Far too disgusting. Noel cast yet another esuna as he attempted to wipe it off. Unfortunately, it was sticky and not being very agreeable. This stuff was going to require a good old fashioned washing, it looked like. Great. He'd have to go back in to civilization again for that. Not exactly what he'd call a desirable outcome. Noel scowled as he studied the Chaos surrounding him. The clapping had stopped, but he'd definitely heard it. "Who's there?" Noel called out warily. He'd already recombined his swords, but had yet to sheath them. Better safe than sorry, right?

"Just a concerned citizen."

Behind him. Noel whirled around and felt his insides turn to ice at what he saw. Had the Chaos finally gotten to him? Maybe. Because that couldn't possibly be who it looked like. This kid was way too young, for one thing. Serah had been older than him before... everything went down. The face and the hair were the same, for sure, but the rest, not so much. The black dress was cute, in a weird sort of way, but definitely not something the Serah he remembered would have gone for. So was this a real person or had the Chaos warped his perception that much? Good question. "You're not Serah," Noel said flatly. He was too tired to go for anything beyond the straightforward approach. Too tired and too repulsive. Ugh, he needed a bath so bad right now.

"Why no, I'm not." The girl smiled cheerfully at him and waved her hands together excitedly. "Thank you for noticing. It's always nice when someone is up front about this stuff. The name," she placed one hand on her chest, stretched the other out and bowed grandly, "is Lumina."

"That's nice," Noel muttered, unimpressed, "So what do you want?"

"That's a good question!" The girl - Lumina - piped up, then tapped thoughtfully at her bottom lip for several seconds. "Well, I suppose there are a lot of things that I _want_. Unfortunately, the vast majority of them are unattainable at this point in time. Oh well." She shrugged carelessly, clasped her hands together, and gave him a severe look. "But what about you? What is it that you want?"

_Hope_. Noel sensed the Chaos tremble slightly as the name came forth unbidden in his mind and then clamped down on it with everything he had. No more thinking. Not here. Not anywhere really. The Chaos was everywhere, and even if it wasn't somewhere _yet_, it would get there eventually anyway. So why bother? There was nothing. No matter what he did, there was nothing. It was... it was over. No matter how much he tried to deny it. No matter how much he ignored the writing on the wall. He was... he was... alone... again.

_Hope was gone_.

"He's not here." Noel jerked his head up at the quiet statement, hadn't even realized that he'd been staring down at his swords. Right right, Lumina. Not-Serah. Whatever. He needed to pay better attention. No more thinking about _other_ things, just the here and now and what was in front of him. That's all that mattered. All that _needed_ to matter.

_Not here_.

So why couldn't he do it? He's been through far worse situations than this before, so much worse. _Caius. Yeul. Serah_. Just had to keep moving forward, right? There was always that light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Supposedly. Though, he did have to wonder about one particular aspect. How exactly was someone supposed to find that light when they didn't have much hope left to them? Felt kind of pointless overall. But what else was there? "So where is he then?" he murmured softly, more to himself than anything else. People didn't just up and vanish without a trace. At least, they weren't supposed to. So... why wasn't there anything? _Why_ hadn't there been anything?

"Who knows," Lumina shrugged again, this time with a bit more purpose behind it. "But regardless, he's not here. And he's not anywhere else that anyone can reach. So why are you still out here? It's getting kind of dangerous, you know?" She waved a finger pointedly in the air and clicked her tongue as if she were scolding a naughty child. "You just keep making more and more monsters that you end up having to fight. And you know why, but you just can't stop thinking about it. Don't you think it's about time you went back out to somewhere that's a bit safer? Because let's face it, if you're going to have a breakdown, the Chaos is the absolute worst place to do it."

Who exactly was this Lumina girl? Noel eyed her cautiously. No way she was some random kid just popping up out of nowhere. Most especially not with that face. And certainly not with the information she apparently seemed to possess in spades. Though, she didn't strike him as someone malicious. But on the other hand, the familiarity of that smile was probably doing a number on his instincts. Maybe it was time to head out for a break. In that, at least, she was probably right. When he was out searching, he damn well needed his head to be on a bit straighter than it was at the moment. It was just too dangerous to not be fully prepared, and even worse, he might not recognize a clue for what it was if he wasn't thinking right. That and his clothes needed a serious cleaning. That odious smell he'd been detecting was definitely coming from all of that goo caked on him. _So_ disgusting.

Placing her hands on her hips, Lumina sighed heavily and shook her head. "It's fine, you know. You don't have to face reality if you don't want to, and maybe you just can't. I don't know," she gripped her chin thoughtfully and stared up at the Chaos filled sky for several moments, "You did get screwed over by someone you trusted intrinsically all those centuries ago. That's got to have seriously fucked you over somehow. Maybe that's why you're having so much trouble with this."

"It's not that," Noel chuckled humorlessly, "I've mostly found my peace with that. But this is Hope." He sheathed his blades and crossed his arms in uncertainty. How to explain this? And why did he even want to try explaining it to a stranger? Then again, even a Not-Serah was still more Serah than he'd seen in such a long time. He missed her. Probably always would. "Hope would never have left on his own, not if he'd had a choice. Which means he didn't have one." He shook his head then, letting his gaze drop down to study the Chaos tainted ground. "And maybe... maybe he is dead. Maybe all I'm doing is searching for a ghost." He let out a long breath at that. It hurt to think about it, but it was a likely conclusion. There was just no way to know. "But even then, there is something to look for. Etro is gone. Life is gone, no matter how much it still clings to the world. So if he is dead, then his soul has to be out here somewhere. Just because we can't see them, doesn't mean there aren't souls just drifting around out here. Lost and alone."

Lumina arched a dubious eyebrow at his meandering speech. "That really sounds-"

"Crazy?" Noel chuckled again, though this time it was a bit livelier. "It definitely is in a way. But I don't really have any other recourse." Shrugging at both the helplessness and the absurdity of it all, Noel gestured at the Chaos around them. "I've only ever really given up once. And that was because I was tricked into it. So, I'm not really sure I actually know how to. Maybe it would be better if I did, but I just can't do it. So I'll keep searching until I've been absolutely everywhere a person can go. After that, well, I don't know. I guess I'll head back to one of the cities. Though," he looked up into the sky. Couldn't see it, but he knew it was there. Their abandoned artificial world. "Wish I could get back up there. If he's haunting anywhere, it would be there."

"You're crazy," Lumina stated bluntly. "But I'm surprised. I wasn't expecting you to be this devoted. To the detriment of your sanity, no less." She clicked her tongue and sighed once again, then muttered to herself, "This will require some new planning. Such a bother."

Noel blinked at her curiously, then decided that it was probably best to not get too involved with this kid. Lumina. Not-Serah. That term was going to stick, he just knew it. And maybe it was for the best. She was awfully cute. How could she not be with a face like that? But she definitely looked like someone who likely preferred mischief over anything else. And well, he didn't have time for that. She could just go find someone else to play with. "I think I'll take your advice though," Noel offered finally as he glanced back down at his goo covered clothes. Gross gross gross. "I really need a bath, and so do my clothes."

Lumina smirked knowingly at him. "Good idea. Your first one yet."

"Yeah yeah." Noel tossed a wave over his shoulder as he headed off in the direction he knew Luxerion should lay in. It would take several days to get there on foot, assuming he wasn't stupid and called up more monsters from the Chaos. And damn, they might not even let him in if he still smelled this bad. Maybe he should try to find a stream or something beforehand? He'd probably end up killing all the fish in it, but well, some sacrifices had to be made. After that, he could rest for awhile. Find the balance he'd up and lost again. And then... Well, he'd decide when he got there.

Maybe... maybe it was time to stop. Maybe it was time to face up to the facts. And maybe, just maybe, it was time to see if he really could learn how to give up. He could talk all he wanted about possibilities and hope, but there really wasn't all that much left to him now. Noel closed his eyes as he felt the Chaos brush softly against his cheek. A sympathetic soul, perhaps? Kind of them. But the truth of the matter was that Hope was gone. And Noel wasn't going to find him anywhere. If he had been somewhere, _anywhere_, then Noel would've damn well found him already. _What to do? What to do?_ He wasn't one for suicide, even if it did almost seem poetic in a sense at this point. There was nothing left anymore, just him. But no, that wasn't an answer. There was no answer to be had. He'd just... he'd just have to keep on living. Maybe one day he'd know. Even though it was broken, the world still had a little future left in it, right? Something might change. And if it didn't? Well, the end of the world would also play out eventually. He could probably stick it out that long. Didn't really need hope for that.


	16. Reality is Better

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**Reality is Better**  
_**by Meimi**_

Chapter Summary: It would get better. (Set before "The Fear of Being Alone".)

* * *

Noel awoke to an empty bed. And that was about as far from okay as it could get for him. _Where was_- Fear unraveled in the pit of his stomach and dug its claws in. -_Hope?_ Noel shot up in bed, scouring the room with a frightful intensity. Still dark. Thankfully though, Hope's hair was so pale it tended to reflect any available light and was easily spotted over by the windows. Flopping back down, Noel just lay there as an overwhelming sense of relief washed over him. Not gone. Still here. _Still here_. Damn. Noel reached up and scrubbed wearily at his eyes. He wasn't ever going to get over that, was he? Hope was here. With him now. And _nothing_ would ever be allowed to change that. But no, no matter how much their lives slowly got back to something that resembled whatever their weird normal was, Noel just couldn't seem to shake the visceral terror of losing Hope again. It just... wouldn't leave him be. But overall, Noel supposed it didn't really matter whether he eventually got over it or not. As long as Hope was with him, then everything would be okay. And if anything ever tried to take Hope away from him again? Well, he'd gotten really good at killing stuff. Even gods.

None of that really helped to explain why he'd woken up alone in bed though. Hope usually slept fine through the night. It was Noel who had _problems_ with that. Nightmares. Horrible ones. They'd started up shortly after Hope had healed up enough for them to realize that his physical issues were really only the tip of the iceberg; and they'd been plaguing Noel nearly every night since then. It was something of a problem. They were always so intense that he had to make absolutely sure Hope was real afterwards. And thanks to that, neither of them really got a full night's rest anymore, which led to some teasing from certain _other_ people due to their late mornings. But there wasn't really anything to be done about it. He just couldn't sleep anymore without having Hope right there within reach. And any suggestions that had Noel sleeping anywhere else, even just on a couch in the same room, had been met with a flat "No." from Hope. And so, late mornings it was then, and would be until Noel managed to work through that crap somehow. Probably never. Not that late mornings were necessarily bad, any excuse to hold Hope for a little while longer was a good one.

It was strange though. He was so keyed into Hope nowadays that it was a little hard to swallow the fact that he'd managed to get up without disturbing Noel. That must have taken some serious maneuvering on Hope's part. Which meant he hadn't wanted to wake Noel up, and that was a pretty good indicator that something was bothering him. Noel frowned in concern as he sat back up and eyed the figure over by the windows. It was still pretty dark out. And thankfully, this side of the Patron's Palace didn't get flashed with fireworks on a constant basis. Pretty peaceful, all in all, a trait that had made it more than desirable for Hope's recuperation after... _everything_. The fact that the room was large enough to fit their entire group in it without any trouble at all hadn't been a factor in picking it out. No, of course not. Why would that even be a problem? It was just a happy coincidence. And sleepovers are fun, right? Too bad for them, the door had a lock and he wasn't afraid to use it. In fact, he did. A lot.

In the daytime it was fine. They were all family. And it was nice to have a family again. It had been a little too long since he'd had people to care about who also cared about him. Granted, Snow had always cared, but Noel had been too lost to accept the help the man had never really stopped offering. Noel supposed that was the one thing he really regretted out of it all. He'd been a gigantic bastard about losing Hope and Snow had suffered the worst of it. Though, at least he'd never attacked him. Silver lining and all that. And hey, they were friends now. That had to count for something. Maybe.

As for the others, Snow included, well, they only got the daytime. Once it was time for bed, the lock was turned and the rest of the world could damn well stay outside. Noel was more than willing to share his time with Hope with everyone else. He wasn't the only person who loved him (just the one who loved him the most). It wasn't a huge sacrifice. Not really. Just because Noel had strong urges to pack up everything that was important, which basically boiled down to just Hope, and go show him how to live like a member of the Farseer tribe, didn't mean that he was selfish enough to act on them. It was tempting though. So very tempting. But Hope would get bored with it far too quickly, and then his overwhelming _need_ to help people would probably re-ignite, and then they'd be right back where they started. It was a nice a dream though, and might actually work better as a vacation sometime. Something to keep in mind. Shame they hadn't done something like that during their long sojourn before everything had gone wrong. Again. Then again, getting Hope to relax back then had been quite the task in and of itself. Sex? Oh, he'd usually always been fine for a quickie - or otherwise. More than a day away from work though? Hadn't really ever had the desired result. On those rare occasions, Hope had always ended up just being way more tense than he'd been before the "time off".

Of course, everything was different now. _They_ were different now. Noel scooted across the bed. No warmth left. That meant Hope had been up for awhile. And that's probably what had finally disturbed Noel. Should've woken up when Hope had gotten up, but at least he was awake now. It was a minor quibble, and he could ignore it for the time being. Just had to make sure everything was okay with Hope and then get him back to bed. Noel hissed out a breath as his feet hit the floor. Holy crap, that was cold. Stupid tile floor. Freaking dirt was warmer than this shit. Carpet. That's what they needed. Tomorrow, he would look into getting some carpets for their room.

Noel gingerly made his way across the ice cold floor. It wasn't even winter yet. Ugh! Hope hadn't moved any during all of this, but he had to be aware that Noel was up by now. He, uh, hadn't exactly been quiet about his displeasure over the cold, cold floor. Hope, at least, was warm though. Noel smiled in contentment as he wrapped his arms around the most important person in the world to him. Also, the warmest person in his world right now. Body heat was such a life saver. His feet might still fall off though. Damn tile, such a terrible choice in floor construction.

Hope accepted the embrace easily enough, but still seemed rather distracted by whatever was on his mind. Hmm. He didn't look too disturbed by whatever it was, but on the other hand, appearances could be - and often were - deceiving. Hope also had this horrible tendency to look completely unruffled by just about anything that would bother anyone else. That hadn't really changed much either, though it had become much worse for a little while there thanks to his head getting so damn scrambled by _God_. He was improving though, and was much better now than he had been at the beginning. But still slow going all the same, and it was probably better that way. Much easier to handle things one by one rather than all at once, right? Made sense to him, anyway. "So what has you up out of our warm bed in the middle of the night?" Noel asked, his tone soft. No reason to disturb the quiet just yet.

Hope just shook his head in response. Gonna be one of those then. Noel grimaced, getting Hope to talk when he wasn't inclined to wasn't exactly what Noel would call easy. Difficult and sometimes dangerous, fit a lot better at times. Still, this wasn't normal, so a tad bit more effort was called for. Smoothing his expression out into something that felt more agreeable, Noel bodily turned Hope around in his arms. Hmm, wouldn't meet his eyes, not a good sign. "Hey, come on now," Noel murmured as he crooked a finger under Hope's chin and tilted it up, "I know you don't like talking about this stuff, and I promise I'm okay with that. But you've got to at least give me something to work with here, okay? Stumbling around in the dark really isn't my style."

Hope cracked a weak smile at that, but still didn't look at him. "I don't know," he said after a long moment of silence, "I just can't help wondering when I'm going to wake up from this dream." He shook his head, freeing it from Noel's grasp. "Is this even real? Seems a little too good for that," Hope muttered the last unhappily, more to himself than anything else as he leaned in and hesitantly wrapped his arms around Noel's waist. "Has to be a dream."

Noel stared down blankly at Hope for several seconds. _That was_- Giving himself a little shake, he pulled Hope tighter against him and threaded the fingers of his free hand into that almost luminescent hair. "It's all right." That sentiment hit a little too close to home. "I promise you, this is as real as it can get. And nothing is ever going to change that. It's going to be you and me together for the rest of forever." It still felt like a dream to him too. Everyday he was hit by the fear that he was going to wake up soon. He was going to wake up and discover that this had all been just another fantasy his reality denying mind had cooked up. And then he'd be alone again. Nothing to do for it but head off on another fruitless search or wile his days away terrorizing the Order for stepping out of line. Neither had been good options, but they'd been all he had left. Just couldn't accept Snow's offer to join him in Yusnaan back then. That would've meant accepting a lot more than he would ever be ready to. Better the dreams than his reality at the time.

But no, this was his reality now. It wasn't a dream. It really wasn't. Fate had been kind, in a sense. Against all of the odds stacked against them, he'd gotten Hope back. They weren't exactly okay anymore, but that was all right. They had the rest of their lives to work on that. As long as he had Hope with him, then... it was okay if things didn't really work out the way everyone wanted them to. It was okay if things were different, if _they_ were different. No one ever really stayed the same anyway, right? Time changed everything eventually, and more to the point, it offered something of a blessing that they were still in need of. Time couldn't heal all wounds, but it could definitely wear the pain down into something far more manageable. His heart would heal, and so would Hope. They would get better. The nightmares would pass. How could they not? He had everything he ever wanted right here in his arms. This reality was so much better than a dream.

"Come on," Noel urged, rubbing soothing circles over Hope's back as he turned them back towards the bed, "Let's get back to bed. After a good night's rest, you won't have any trouble in realizing whether this is real or not."

Hope nodded hesitantly in agreement, allowing himself to be guided back over to and up on the bed. Noel hopped up over him before pulling the blankets back over them both. No way was he going to spend any longer than absolutely necessary on that cold ass floor. His feet were blocks of ice already. So terrible. And Hope's were probably popsicle by now. Ugh. Carpets. Had to get carpets tomorrow. No more nightly wanderings on that horrible tile floor. Shuddering at the very thought (and the fact that his feet were cold as hell), Noel pulled Hope against him. Cuddling would warm them both up, and he had a feeling that the affirmation afforded by touch was something that they could both use right about now. "Go back to sleep," Noel murmured quietly as he leaned over, placing a soft kiss on Hope's forehead, "And when you wake up, you'll still be right here with me."

Hope nodded again, this time a lot steadier than the last. "Even if it is a dream," he said carefully and finally looked up, meeting Noel's gaze, "I don't think I have it in me to mind it all that much. Even a dream with you is better than the alternative." He smiled then. It was fragile, almost shy in a way, and in that moment Noel found his mind flooded with five hundred year old memories. That day, the day after everything had gone tragically wrong. Somehow or another, he'd ended up conked out on Hope's couch, but he couldn't sleep forever. Couldn't stay still. Couldn't not do anything. _Had_ to do something. So he'd gone out, promising that he'd be back later. He'd gotten the same smile back then. Afterwards too. He'd found a place for himself rather quickly, hadn't wanted to impose on Hope anymore than he already had. But he'd also promised to not be a stranger. And he hadn't! (Boy, had he not.) Same smile then too. Lonely, but still hopeful. The former could be dealt with, but the latter... the latter was good, so very good. A little hope could go a long way. And a little bit of Hope could keep _him_ going for a damn long time. Hope was his everything.

"Sleep," Noel muttered tiredly as he tilted Hope's head up and gave him a gentle kiss, "And when you wake up in the morning, you'll know that this is real." _And so will I_. It would get better. Day by day, the nightmares and the dreams would fade with time. Soon enough, all that would matter would be their most welcome reality. He much preferred it. Dreams just couldn't hold up to the reality of having Hope back with him. Nothing could. No, this was something he never could've, or would have, hoped for. Noel supposed he could thank Etro for it, but she'd probably just laugh at him. And rightfully so, they'd all fought for this conclusion, tooth and nail. And they'd won. They'd won and taken back everything that had been stolen from them. The dreams would fade, but this would stay.

He'd never give up this reality. _Never_.


	17. At the End of the Line

**In the Wake of Light and Chaos**  
**At the End of the Line**  
_**by Meimi**_

Chapter Summary: Snow waits. It's all he had left to do. (Set sometime after "Chaos Walker")

* * *

The Chaos sure was weird. Snow mused as he attempted to grasp the small sliver of Chaos he'd actually managed to contain. His fingers passed through it like smoke. This was the stuff that had basically destroyed most of the world, and yet it had very little substance to it. Nothing really to grab onto, but he could feel it wisping against his skin. Smoke was probably the best descriptor, though it didn't quite fit. He'd been out in the Chaos enough to know that there was a weight to it, could definitely tell that it was a little harder to breathe in it (when he wasn't fighting for his life against whatever monster it decided to spawn on him, anyway). But it wasn't entirely like smoke either. How could it be? It passed straight through walls as if they didn't even exist. Still, he'd managed to capture a little bit of it. Not much, mind you, but enough to show that it could be done. It just needed the power of a l'Cie brand to pull it off. And wouldn't you know it, he was the last one left on the whole damn planet. That luck of his.

Snow took a step back from his impromptu Chaos trap and frowned. It had worked. Somehow. Hell, he'd made this little containment area and he still wasn't sure how he'd done it. Power of the l'Cie, huh? Power gifted by the fal'Cie to allow humans to do what they could not. Yadda yadda yadda. It basically boiled down to slavery in a nice, shiny package. Couldn't really escape that fact either. Whether you completed the Focus tied into your l'Cie brand or not, you were pretty much screwed either way. Turn into Cie'th or a giant seethrough paperweight. Sure, it had been different for them, but only for them. They were the only l'Cie to ever return from their crystal sleep. Not exactly what he'd call good odds. Then again, what did he have to complain about? Snow had seriously lucked out with that nutty cactus. So long as he kept on keeping on for the greater good, his brand should remain happy and content. Of course, that didn't really rule out a shock advancing it further along. It was still a l'Cie brand, after all, regardless of how vague his Focus was. One wrong move and he could be just as boned as anybody else.

All in all, it really wasn't all that great of a situation. Sure, it gave him an edge, but it also made him into something of a ticking time bomb. It hadn't ever really bothered him before though. Too busy with all the questing and trying to save the world bullshit. Being a "hero" left little downtime. But... in the end, all of that, every single part of it, hadn't amounted to much. World still got fucked. People still died. He'd still lost... too much. Snow still kept going though, didn't really know how to do anything else. Giving in to a more hopeless fate... well, he didn't really deserve the rest it would give. Maybe for the first time, but this one? Nah. He'd jumped into being a l'Cie the second time with his eyes wide open. Just because things had turned to shit anyway, didn't mean he still didn't have a job to do.

The people had insisted that he take over in Yusnaan. Hell if Snow could understand why though. He wasn't a leader, never had been. Sure, there had been the posturing back at the beginning, before the whole l'Cie shit went down. But NORA had been something else entirely. A product of another time, really. Back when they still didn't know anything. Before they'd lost their "innocence", so to speak. No, when it came right down to it, he was the muscle of the group. Always had been, always would be. Didn't mind either, it fit and it gave him something productive to do. So yeah, about the only thing he was good at leading was the charge. Everything else he'd left up to the others: Fang, Lightning, and then Hope. But therein lay the problem. They were all gone now. Fang was still stuck being a paperweight, along with Vanille. Lightning was fucking god knows where. Not dead. Not her. But completely beyond their reach. As for Hope, well, Hope really was the crux of Snow's current issues.

The leader of their fucked up world gone without a trace. Nothing left behind. No clues. No nothing. No hope without Hope, huh? That's why he'd accepted the position of "Patron" in Yusnaan. The hero Snow, last of the l'Cie, was all these people had left to depend on. Didn't matter whether he was up to it or not. As long as Hope stayed missing, then it fell to Snow to keep their shit together. Noel probably would've been a better choice. The kid had paid a lot better attention to all the crap Hope had to go through to keep humanity going. Only problem was, Noel had basically become a mirage after Hope's disappearance. There for a brief moment and then gone the next. The kid had taken it hard. Much too hard. Snow could understand that. A little too well, really. But... Hope wasn't dead. _Couldn't be_. He'd be back someday. Couldn't believe otherwise. There were a fucking lot of unanswered questions to everything, but the worst conclusion always left a body behind. _Always_. There was no escape from that. And that's why he knew without a shred of doubt that Hope was still alive somewhere. Not here, obviously. But somewhere. Hope would be back someday. Just had to hold it together until then.

Which led back to his latest "stupid stunt". He liked Yusnaan. Sure, the whole thing about the Patron and the palace that went along with it was kind of offputting, but overall the people of Yusnaan were a happy bunch. They loved their city, loved being there, loved still being alive. It was such an upbeat sort of viewpoint, and one that had become rare somewhere during the centuries when he hadn't been looking. Snow had missed that. Hadn't realized what it was that he'd been missing, but it had definitely been that. Or at least, it was part of what he'd been missing. Surviving didn't really take much, just one foot in front of the other. Neverending. But thriving, that was something entirely different. That needed contentment, happiness, joy, and yes, hope. He couldn't really do much about the latter, but the rest? He wanted to protect that, to encourage it, if at all possible.

The Chaos _really_ didn't help with that. It always swept in like a random freak storm, leaving destruction and, well, _chaos_ in its wake. Having that as a constant threat was not exactly conductive to a positive outlook in his city. Nor was it acceptable. Snow had to protect this place and all the people in it. That was his job as the Patron, and yeah, he'd do it even if he wasn't their supposed "leader". It had taken a little while. He was _not_ the brains of this operation, never had been, never would be. Unfortunately though, the brains were sadly elsewhere, so he'd had to improvise. Couldn't destroy the Chaos. Really, just thinking about it sounded dumb. Destroying something that was basically the end of everything? Yeah, right. But maybe he could lure it in somehow and trap it. Not too much thought put into the particulars, and somehow Snow didn't think he really wanted to know just how exactly his brand was keeping the Chaos contained. All that really mattered was that it had worked and was still working. The Chaos was stuck. It couldn't get out. He'd actually managed to pull it off on his own. It wasn't a permanent solution. Of course not. His brand was having to stay active to maintain the containment. Eventually it would run out of juice and he'd turn into something really ugly. Definitely not ideal. But he could keep it up for a little while, just until Hope showed back up. Hope would come up with something better, he always did.

Snow could last until then.

* * *

Thunking his knuckles against the sheet of ice he'd just created, Snow nodded approvingly at the door. It was just a precaution, really. He was the only person who actually came up here, but better safe than sorry. On the off chance that someone decided to be nosy and do a little palace exploration, with this, at least, they wouldn't stumble into the middle of something that might kill them. The trap wouldn't need too much maintenance on his part either. The power of l'Cie brands worked on instinct more often than not, he didn't exactly need to know how it worked for it _to_ work. As long as his brand lasted, and as long as _he_ lasted, that little containment field should keep pulling pieces of Chaos in and keeping them there. And as long as it kept working properly, Yusnaan's streets should stay clear of wandering clouds of Chaos. A simple solution to a simple problem. Of course, neither were simple (not in the least), but it was the thought that counted. The trap would hold.

Giving the ice one last rap with his knuckles, Snow smiled to himself, turned around, and headed down the steps. If he took any longer, the staff would start wondering just what he was up to. They weren't really all that nosy, but people were people. Best to just act normal. He didn't exactly feel right about keeping secrets from them, of course, but something this dangerous needed to be kept on the down low. It wasn't very honest of him, but it would keep them safe and that's what mattered most. Keeping people safe was his job. His calling in life, as it were.

Snow rounded a corner and nearly skidded to a halt as he almost bowled over one of the palace guards coming from the opposite direction. _What the hell?_ They weren't supposed to patrol up this far. The guard stumbled backwards, brought up short, and Snow reached out with a steadying hand to keep the poor guy from falling over. Ah well, didn't really matter. Snow should've been paying better attention to where he was going anyway. He was Yusnaan's Patron (or whatever), didn't need to go around embarrassing himself in front of the people he was supposed to be taking care of. "Whoa there, buddy. What are you-"

"Boss!"

Snow blinked at the unexpected interruption. Weird. These guys still tended to fall all over themselves with the dumbass reverence whenever they had to deal with him directly. It was kind of annoying, actually. Sure, a little respect wasn't uncalled for. It helped him to keep people out of trouble when they listened to him. The "old hero" persona had really gone a long way in helping with that throughout the centuries. But only a "little". Too much and it just became a complete drag. Literally. People were damn difficult to herd out of a monster's line of fire when they were too busy gushing at him to notice the imminent danger. That kind of hero worship was _incredibly_ annoying. Time to start nipping this in the bud. "Snow," he said firmly.

The guard just gave him a confused look in response. "Uh, boss?"

"Just call me Snow, okay?" Snow explained as he gave the guy a quick pat on the shoulder. "It's my name, and I'd much rather hear it than any stupid titles people come up with. Just Snow is fine."

The guard nodded slowly in understanding, though Snow kind of doubted that it had sunk in just yet. Getting people to drop their formality tended to take a lot longer than one simple conversation, but it was a good place to start. "Sure thing, boss- Ah, Snow. Sir."

Snow smiled weakly at the sir. Better than nothing, he supposed. Would definitely have to work on that though. There weren't very many people he knew (or had known) who deserved a sir, and he certainly wasn't one of them. But whatever, time to change the subject. "So what has you all the way up here today?" Snow asked curiously. It wasn't as if this area was forbidden or anything, he'd just been using it for himself and they'd been nice enough to give him some breathing room. A point in their favor, really, and a welcome one at that. Snow wasn't sure he would've been able to pull off the whole Patron thing if the palace staff had acted like star struck fans. That would've been a little too weird.

"Ah! Right." The guard straightened up and snapped off a smart salute. "You wanted to be informed if there were any sightings of Noel Kreiss, Snow, sir. Well, I, uh," the guard stumbled over his words, seemingly a little unsure of himself, then just shrugged and continued on, "We've received several reports from Luxerion stating that a man resembling him blew in with the Chaos last night, so we, uh, figured you'd want to know asap."

Snow grinned at the unexpected news and gave the guard an approving - but gentle - slap on the shoulder. "You thought correctly." Noel never stayed put for long, but if he'd just arrived in Luxerion the night before, then that gave Snow more than enough time to hunt him down before he pulled off his disappearing act again. Perfect opportunity, really. It was about time that _something_ worked in his favor. He just needed to get the kid to see some reason and then get him back here. Everything would work itself out after that. Just had to get through to him somehow. Snow could manage that. Hopefully.

"Looks like it's time for me to take a little road trip."

* * *

It, of course, actually ended up being a train ride. The highway connecting the two cities hadn't been completed yet and Snow didn't feel like dealing with any wandering monsters. Didn't really have the time for it either. Noel _did not_ stay put for long at all. The sooner he found the kid the better. Luxerion was not what he'd been expecting though. Snow remembered the city being a lot... cleaner. Damn. He'd known that people had taken Hope's disappearance pretty hard, but this was a bit much. Didn't need to just give up on everything. Hope wasn't gone forever. He'd find his way back. He _would_. And man, would he have a serious fit when he found out what had been going on in his absence. Snow mock shuddered at the very thought. He'd definitely leave that up to Noel to handle. Better the kid than him. At least Hope wouldn't maim Noel. Much.

What was this stuff he kept hearing about "God" though? The only fal'Cie left alive was Pandemonium, and he was back in Yusnaan chugging away to his heart's content. Sure, there was still Pulse and Lindzei, but they'd not found a single trace of either in the past eight-. No, it had almost been nine hundred years now. Had it really been that long since Cocoon? Didn't feel like it, but... that was right, wasn't it? Somewhere in between eight and nine hundred years ago the entire world had changed. For the better, in his opinion. Those first five hundred years had been good ones. Sure, he'd been time hopping throughout most of them, but he'd seen enough to know it had been good. Good for the world. Good for the entire human race. But then it all went wrong. But that didn't negate any of the good! People had lived happy lives and civilization had flourished because of it. That counted for a lot. And it didn't mean they still couldn't have good years ahead of them. They just... had to work at it. That's all.

So who was God? Couldn't be Pulse or Lindzei, he would've heard about it already if either of them had resurfaced. So that just left Etro, right? And she was dead, so that didn't make any sense whatsoever. That didn't really leave any other gods... No, wait. There was another god that created them all, wasn't there? Bhuni something or other? Damn, he'd never really paid much attention to mythology and shit. But that Bhuni guy was supposed to have been the almighty creator or something or other, so that was probably it. The creator of everything would kind of fit the "God" mold, Snow figured. So why were people talking about this Bhuni guy now anyway? He hadn't heard a damn thing about another fal'Cie, god, whatever, showing up or anything and he definitely would have. The whole l'Cie deal kind of lent itself well to people wanting to talk to him about shit like that. Weird.

_God, huh?_

Eh, something to think about later. Snow grimaced as he vaulted over a wall and headed into the back alleys. Every city had something of the like, a place where the unwanted and unneeded tended to congregate. Even Yusnaan had some places like that back near the storage area, though he tried his best to minimize the need for them. He wanted his people to be happy, after all, and being poor and unwanted didn't really work well for that. It wasn't perfect, mind you, he still wasn't exactly the greatest leader material, but he did his best. Luxerion, on the other hand, didn't seem to even care about it. Damn shame that. They'd all survived for so long now in this endless stretch of nothing, it hurt to see people starting to give up. But, sad as it was for him to admit, Snow wasn't exactly here for them right now. Another time, surely.

When he finally did run across Noel (almost literally), Snow could safely say that he was very taken aback by what he found. He'd been expecting just about anything. Hell, he hadn't even ruled out the possibility that he might get attacked for his troubles. But Chaos? That was the one thing he hadn't been counting on. Noel had crammed himself into a corner between two buildings, looking like nothing more than yet another squatter. Almost. He would've blended right in (and that was probably his intent) were it not for the wisps of Chaos that were wafting off of him like smoke. What in the hell had the kid done to himself?

Noel looked up at him. Those eyes of his had always been the brightest blue, but now they almost glowed in the unnatural darkness surrounding them. "What do you want?"

Well, at least he sounded normal even if he didn't look it. A little annoyed too, but _that_, at least, was expected. Still, that couldn't be healthy. At all. Chaos was about as far from healthy as you could get. Snow gave Noel a dubious once over and placed his hands on his hips. "Are you okay?"

Noel blinked at him, then shrugged carelessly, the Chaos snaking around him sinuously at the movement. "It's a typical aftereffect," he explained flatly as he shifted his gaze down to his hands and the Chaos feathering around them, "When you've been out in it too long, it takes awhile for it to bleed off."

Yeah, that didn't sound good at all. "Well," Snow started hesitantly as he reached up and scratched at the back of his head, "Maybe you shouldn't go out in it then if it's gonna do this to you."

"I have to," Noel stated, his tone hollow and void of anything but desperate hopelessness.

Snow winced at the sound of it. This was so very much _not_ the Noel he remembered. The kid had always been "happy" for the most part, and even on those rare occasions when Snow had caught him down in the dumps, it had never been anything like this. Then again, no one was really the same person they used to be. Not anymore. Without Hope... Well, from where he was standing, it looked like Noel was on the fast track to falling apart. And that was assuming he wasn't already in pieces, which was fairly likely thanks to all of that Chaos clinging onto him. Right then, time to get this damn kid back to Yusnaan. He needed some clean up at the very least. "You really don't," Snow said carefully as he squatted down, holding up a hand to forestall the argument that was sure to come, "But I'm not going to argue with you about that. You do what you have to to get by. But I think you'd have an easier time of resting up if you came to Yusnaan instead. It's not exactly quiet, but it's a lot more peaceful than here."

"No," Noel said instantly as he continued to study the Chaos enveloping his hands.

"Oh come on," Snow groused as he leaned back a little on his heels, "You didn't even think about it." Sure, he'd been expecting a negative response, but the kid could at least pretend he was considering the prospect.

Noel sighed audibly, then scowled deeply as he finally looked back over at Snow. "I don't have to. I know what you're doing, and I don't want any part of it."

Snow rocked back further on his heels at the obvious scorn being thrown his way. What the hell? What did that even mean? He was just trying to help! What was so wrong with that? Maybe... maybe it was just the Chaos making the kid super paranoid or something? That shit did weird stuff to people when they were in it, after all. Changed their perception and crap. Yeah, that had to be it. Or something like that. "Look, I don't know what you're thinking," Snow explained carefully, doing his best to look as non-threatening as possible, "But I really don't have an ulterior motive or anything like that. I just want to help. That's all."

Noel shook his head angrily and clambered to his feet. "You do," he growled, then seemed to catch himself, shook his head again, and scrubbed at his face with one hand. "Okay, yeah, maybe part of you does just want to help, but it's not the only thing. I know what you're like, Snow." He couldn't seem to help himself as he shot Snow a scathing glance, but shook his head yet again a second later and looked away. "Sure, you help people. That's what you're good at. And maybe you really honestly haven't realized it, but that's not the only reason you do it. You do it to keep yourself busy, so that you don't have to face up to reality."

Snow scowled as he stood up as well, but mentally stomped on his rising ire. The kid was just hurting, lashing out probably. Though, yeah, there was some truth to it. Snow didn't like... thinking about the harsher possibilities. That way just lead to bad things, best not to go there. He'd been there for a little while after Serah... but he'd managed to drag himself back out again. Somehow. He'd help Noel get out of it. He _had_ to. There was no one else left to offer a helping hand. It was just the two of them now. "Maybe you're right," Snow shrugged and spread his arms out helplessly, "Maybe I am being more selfish than anything else, but is that so bad? You need something. I mean, just look at you, you're a total mess. How is that going to help anything?"

Chuckling darkly, Noel took a few steps back, widening the gap between them. "I damn well don't need your help. Or anyone else's." He raised one of his hands, the Chaos still bleeding off of it in waves, and clenched it into a fist. "_I just need Hope_. That's all. No one else." He spread his fingers back out and stared at them for a long moment, then waved the hand uselessly in the air and turned his back on Snow. "Other people will just get in the way. You included."

"You're gonna get yourself killed if you keep going on like this," Snow called out as Noel started to walk away from him, though he knew it was pointless now. The kid wouldn't accept help, not from him, not from anyone. Probably couldn't. They were all such a fucking mess. _Every_thing was a fucking mess. This whole damn world had gone completely to hell and there was nothing any of them could do about it. Had there ever been? "The offer's always open, Noel. Doesn't matter when or why, just come if you need it, all right?"

A careless wave was the only answer he received as Noel walked off, slipping down a side street a few steps later and right back out of Snow's life again. He'd tried, damnit. Maybe not as hard as he could have, but what else was there? Picking a fight wouldn't have amounted to shit. The kid was bleeding Chaos for fuck's sake. _Why?_ The one question he could really use an answer to, but he'd likely never get one for. Why did this shitty world have to take Hope away from them too? It was the one blow he wasn't too sure even he would recover from. What was there left to hold onto? Helping people? Sure, he could do that. Didn't even have to think about it. And wasn't that Noel's entire point? Don't think about it, right? Don't think about Serah being dead. Don't think about Hope being gone. Don't think about being left behind, all alone. Right? Don't... don't give up. Not yet. Wait. Nothing else to do but wait. Wait for the end or wait for something else, didn't matter what. Just wait. He could do that. And maybe... maybe if he waited long enough, somebody might come back. That would be good. And maybe if that happened, maybe he could finally give up then, for a little while, and take some time to rest. Surely he would've earned it by then. Yeah, that would work. He could keep holding on for that. What else was he going to do?

* * *

_Noel's little Chaos infestation isn't actually inspired by Ruaki's fic "Libera Me", but you should read it anyway if you haven't yet._


End file.
